Constructive Act # 184 – “REFLECT FROM TIME TO TIME” - Every time I’m at the ocean, it’s just seems like the proper time to reflect. I don’t know if it’s the time I miss Davis the most because I never come without all of my children, or because I look out across the ocean and I begin to understand something about eternity. Listening to the breaking waves, watching schools of manta rays swim across the shoreline and birds landing on the balcony where I’m writing this morning all remind me of God’s infinite plan. Looking toward the horizon reminds me of the endless grace and mercy God has for each of us, and knowing that it never ends is comforting. Today’s post is the first day of the second half of the year since Davis was called home. I rounded up to “183” for the first half and now we begin the second half with day “184.” I am in the second half of my life being that I am in my fifties, and I have lots of things to reflect upon. I know that many of you have asked that I put all of my “Constructive Acts” into a book and publish it for others to find comfort in. I have decided that “if” I do that…..I will do it in two parts. The first book will be titled “The First Half of the First Year Without My First Born Son.” Davis and I had a thing about numbers. He had lots of my OCD tendencies and we both counted things. Numbers were important to us and I’m not sure why. Our favorite number was “4”. It was a lucky number for us and it always was somehow in numbers that we picked. If we couldn’t pick 4, then we picked 16 (4x4) or 24 or 44 or something with 4 in it. I’m not sure why except that it made us feel better. Davis and I were kind of silly like that – even when listening to the tv, the volume was on a “4” number…24, 34, 44 if we wanted it really loud and 64 for sports. It was on 14 if I was trying to be quiet in the morning before everyone else woke up. It’s kind of funny what is important to people and the memories you have when they are gone, but every time I see the number “4” I think of my sweet boy and how much I miss him. I look out to the horizon and I wonder where Heaven is. Where exactly is this beautiful place that my son has gone to? What is it like there? Does he live with my Dad and Granny? Has he made new friends? Does he get to see snow ever again and ride dirt bikes? Does he get to see foreign countries from above and the beautiful and exotic animals that God created? I wonder about so many things, but mostly I wonder about the conversations that he has with God. I wonder how God gets around to seeing everyone and how he spends time with all His children. I think about all the Catholic people who would love to see the Pope and I know some never see him. Then I multiply all the people of all Christian religions who love Jesus and God and are already in eternity and want to spend time with GOD and I wonder how they do it? Then I wonder WHY I wonder all these things? I know I will never have the answers until I am there. I do have answers to a few things though that I didn’t have answers to before this year. I do know that God will love you through the unimaginable and He will give you the strength and purpose to move forward with your life. He will teach you how to move on by spending time with Him and listening and watching for signs along the way. He will send you sweet reminders and new ways to look at old things. He will grant you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference. He will allow you to live one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, learning to accept hardships as the pathway to peace. I learned that I am a member of the most awesome family in the world. The Owen “7” continues to function with love and acceptance of one another, allowing each other to work through his or her grief in the way that works individually. We support each other up close and personal or from a distance and we’ve learned how to know when and what each other needs. We’ve all managed to continue our journey on this earth with Davis in our hearts and not by our sides. We’ve all learned that tears are okay and that grief presents itself in different ways at different times. We’ve all learned that sometimes we need to put less important things aside and gather around one of our members to support his or her journey of grief. We’ve learned when to be near and when to back off. The most important thing that we have learned however, is that we are still the Owen “7” and that we were and are meant to be together. As a Counselor, I’ve learned there is no pattern, rhyme or reason to grief as some might suggest. Grief is a not a process…..it is an individual journey. Sometimes it’s brought on by a smell, a red bird, a number or a familiar look on an unfamiliar face. It can be funny, it can be frightening, it can make you angry or melancholy. It just is whatever it is and you don’t know what it is until it happens. Sometimes it happens at the most inopportune time and that can be unfortunate and all exposing. But you get through the bad spot and move on. Reflection always seems to be calming for me. It makes me feel closer to God and more appreciative of everything I have and had. I would not take anything for the 20 years I had my precious Davis. I know he is my guardian angel and I know he has had an opportunity to speak with God. He always found a way to do what needed to be done. I know he is asking God to help us fix this terrible epidemic of opiate/heroin addiction. He is my hope, my pride and joy, and my forever firstborn son! I love you Davis Henry Owen…..heart and soul! Xxooo - Mom
Posted on: Sat, 20 Sep 2014 13:17:23 +0000
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