Day Week Three, Day 15 of the Kamloops Biggest Loser Contest, I woke up to the voices in my head telling me all the reasons why I should just stay in bed. A part of me wanted to embrace the voices, yet I forced myself out of bed. I stared at the clock, I had already slept in nearly three hours. Now what? A shower, a cup of tea, and slowly I am waking up. The medication my doctor has me on is frightening. I used to be a high-energy, focused, and self-motivated person. Geez, I remind myself, that was only yesterday. My body is rested. I have no aches, pains or injuries. Yet, the voices in my head are telling me to nest, sleep and cry. There is an inner battle in me as I am fighting with the voices, as I scream, "go away." The medication is for women of my age. I am not going to get into a lot of detail, but it stimulates a process similar to pregnancy. No I am not pregnant, and no plans of ever getting pregnant, again. When I was pregnant, I was happy. But sheez, this medication makes me feel like a bloated, pregnant sloth who is experiencing severe depression. I know my body needs to adjust to the medication. Until then, I wander in the darkness looking for light. And now that is fall, I find the light fading into the darkness. I slept nearly 10 hours last night. Why do I need to sleep another six? Why does my mind tell me to be sad, and cry. I am thinking, "cry about what?" I am not depressed, I am actually very happy. Yet, the hormones in my mind, tell me otherwise. I have suffered seasonal depression for nearly 20 plus years. I have not taken medication in about 10 years, nor will I again. But the feelings are so over whelming. I push everything out of my mind. I think how can I overcome this. I feel the need to call my best friend. I have to tell someone. I need someone to drag myself out of bed and get me to the gym. I know she will be there to support me. I turned on all the lights in my room, creating a sunlight effect. I am making tea with strong caffeine content. I think maybe I will get a Starbucks coffee this morning. I am so afraid of the darkness...I will turn to the one thing that I know makes me feel good. In the darkness lies the demons who held me hostage for so may years. They stole my breath of life and took everything I had. I refuse to go back there. I know I will have to fight. I wonder about this medication and think of the alternatives, I refuse to go down that path, at least for now. I will fight this... I remind myself, I am doing all the right things: exercise, vitamins, eating health, sleeping, stress reduction, seeing a counsellor, and focusing on spirituality. I have an amazing life balance, great friends and focus. I am a woman who lives a life of gratitude. I am thankful for all that I have. I am not going to let some medication change my behaviour and attitude. I am going to embrace this experience, focus on it as a bench mark to create positive change for the future. I am telling you this, because you need to know. I am a real person. I have feelings. I am a human being. I try to be as positive as possible. But I have struggles just like you do, I am working hard on myself and doing the best that I can. Eighty percent is just showing up, heading to the gym.
Posted on: Sat, 28 Sep 2013 15:33:30 +0000
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