Dear Lucia , Lindy , and All @ United Agents ... This is the final contact youll get with the wild , mad Dylan - but I just wanted to say before I go that I am sorry for any distress my visits may have caused in your offices . Turning up unannounced , beclad with stuff and belongings , reeking of ale and liquor and stale arguments about politics in London bars , and generally putting everyone at a state of distinct unease , at times , and ranting on about wanting to see Keira Knightley for some spurious reason ... I may explain that reason , here . See , I was going through a psychotic episode , or so I was lead to believe criminally , which involved your client Ms. Knightley - she was playing the role , aptly , of Long Lost Love in this fable - and I wished to be reunited with her (I never got anywhere near close) in some gangster and gallantly way ... Believe me when I say this : I believed everything I was thinking during those times and , up until my latest visit , to me ? Keira was the sole focus of the Universe . Although the last time I was in - I was . Call me mad , ho ! Now , as a former University student who studied a Cinema degree , I am a keen admirer of both Keiras and Sienna Millers abilities in their profession . They are, technically and naturally, the best Ive ever seen, in post-modern times , ironically - and Im good at spotting talent . I hear Lindsay Lohan is as technically gifted (in the Cesc Fabregas way) and I suggest you move to sign her up immediately . Theres money to be made in the UK , you can convince her of that , and she would be a welcome boost to both this countrys female talent pool (acting) and its desperate-enough-to-pay tabloid press . It would be a shrewd move on the part of United Agents , trust me , and be good also for Ms . Lohans turbulent and post-traumatic lifestyle - as well as your own pockets , when the price is set of course ... She may not be tempted to settle on these windy , dark and sunless shores , but she could still be on your books ... I have a business head you know : I was a pot dealer in Leeds for six (6) years . Now then , I understand that Keira was of a mind to take this , as she called it , stalking , to court ... She must have felt threatened by my gifts of the priceless Rolling Stones vinyl , the highly-valued sentimentally copy of Heaven and Hell by Aldous Huxley , the story-of-my-life Bob Dylan DVD , and those letters . On which , I maintain my letters were nothing more than fanmail , written by an elubricated and over-elaborate admirer . But , hey ho , thats the way things go . If she fancies court then she may have found out by now that I was diagnosed psychotic , mentally unwell , and unfit for court . That may have been so , back then - when I would surely have splurted out my final-held belief that she really , really is my Spanish non-identical Romani gypsy twin sister stolen at birth and sold on and separated - but now Im more than fit for court . Quite ready for it , actually . If this ever did wind up in court proceedings , Id insist upon Ms . Knightleys attendance , of course , in the Spirit of Fairness : I did write her that song ! But Id hope to avoid such circumstances and so will go no further in my coveting of Ms . Knightley or any other actress of esteem , your clients or otherwise . It only gets me in trouble with The Police - and I hate trouble with The Police . They absolutely love , absolutely crave , to venomously squeeze me for my endless weekend parties or my being drunk in charge of a vehicle or general loud noise , they love it . So I would like to sidestep the court date by offering you this apology : To all at United Artists , and especially the nice lady who offered me a glass of water last time I was by that way , I offer my most utmost sincere apologies for my actions . They were motivated by greed and Sin , but they were pure , in their way , so I hope you might understand this . I will not be stepping foot in UA offices again unless you sign me up , nor will I be going anywhere near your client Ms . Knightley , or any other client of yours , or any member of staff . You will not see me . I will be like a Ghost . If I caused any distress in anyones Psyche that could have manifested as Anxiety in any description , then I am truly sorry and you have my assurances I will not be appearing again . There we go . A truly heart-felt and honest Good Bye , but - in our parting , if I may , just ask for one small favor though ? Seeing as prosecution for stalking is out of the equation , may I write Keira one more letter explaining myself thoroughly ? It would be useful for my recovery if I could extend myself on this topic to her . She will have received my assurances that she is safe from attack (I know she has a problem with stalkers) and be also put at ease to know that I am mentally well and stable and still a keen admirer of her acting talents ! It will be a very genuine piece of writing (you can trust me when I tell you I am a writer) but tight and unencroaching . If you must , now on , check all of Ms . Knightleys mail , then do so . I can forewarn you though that my letter will be typed , and addressed to Ms . Keira Knightley , so keep an eye out ... Itll be posted in time for Christmas , along with my other Christmas Letters . Thankyou for your understanding in this matter , my apologies are sincere , and I look forward to being allowed the opportunity to posit my apology to Ms. Knightley personally . And I know this sounds like a Terrorists threat , but hey ho - thats the way things go ; Most Sincerely Dylan H. Joyce
Posted on: Thu, 27 Feb 2014 10:23:59 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015