EMOTIONAL BLACK HOLES OR PORTALS OF DEEPER UNDERSTANDING Self-justifications routinely swirl around unhindered in our mind. Our wandering mind’s favorite pass time seems to be worry or self-justification. When our minds are not engaged in worry they quickly slip into an inner trial to prove we are of worth. The very thought of being “wrong” scares most of us and we ignore blatant evidence which may cause us to question some of our basic beliefs about ourselves. We are prone to ignore the obvious then hold to small fragments of ambiguous information which suggests are inner beliefs are correct. Five traffic tickets and a few accidents does little to shake our belief in our “better than average” skill of driving. One failed relationship after another does not carry enough weight to spur us into action to improve our relationship skills. Constantly being passed over for promotion often does not motivate improved work habits. A belief does not seem to have much influence over us until we preface the belief with “my.” Once we proclaim it as “my belief” it becomes a part of who we are and we become willing to blind ourselves to any further open minded reasoning regarding the matter, especially when the beliefs are about our own character. Our days are full of reminders of our own weaknesses and mistakes, yet we often manage to only quickly skim over the obvious reminders from our behavioral shortcomings and then actively seek the more obscure reasons outside of ourselves for our pains, failures and mistakes. We quickly detect possible outside rationale to assign responsibility for our own discomfort. By rationalizing away our own responsibility and assigning the cause to circumstances and the conduct of others, we can shift the discomforting weight of culpability for our disappointments. Accepting responsibility for our shortcomings is the first step on the road to of the difficult path of change. By accepting our own responsibility our relationship issues no longer become solely the fault of a “selfish” partner, nor does our lack of success in our careers fall squarely on the shoulders of the incompetency of our superiors. We often are our own greatest obstacle in obtaining the life which we desire. By ignoring our own prominent roles in the circumstances of our life, we never are able to make the necessary changes. It is not that others and circumstances do not play a role in how we experience life. We just are prone to act as if others and circumstances are the only contributors to the life we experience. It is almost as if once we identify what we want others and the world are expected to be our dutiful servants in effecting our goals. Circumstances and others do not march to our personal drummer. They are involved in their own game of life which occasional will cross paths with our personal plans and desires. An intimate partner can become a great help mate to us but it should not be at the expense of their own individuality. In healthy relationships, the individual games are played in parallel with each other but not to the extent that complete individuality of the involved partners is destroyed. In intimate relationships, we must ask ourself “Is our partner selfish, or could it be that I am expressing a little of my own selfishness by expecting my partner to be a puppet to my emotions?” It is easy to slip from recognizing partnership problems, which all partners have, to blaming our partner’s character for any discomfort created by the inherent differences. A relationship is in deep trouble when our mindset sees every dissatisfaction with the relationship as a sign that something is wrong with the partner. From this self-created higher ground as the relationship professional, we feel endow with the responsibility to point out to our partner the work they need to do in order to be a better human being. Our self-accepted wisdom is expected to be met with a response of gratitude by our partners as we mercilessly berate their character with an onslaught of “insights” of how they should be. Inconspicuously, our partner’s faults which we are most inclined to point out they need to work on are the very behaviors which trigger discomforting feelings in ourselves. The implicit message here is, “If I feel bad than you must be doing something wrong.” Next time you slip into blaming external circumstances, raise that warning flag in your mind. Ask yourself, “Am I avoiding responsibility? Is there some vulnerable trait of mine that I am ignoring?” As we become acquainted to our own emotional vulnerabilities, the moments of discomfort and disappointment do not become black holes of emotional disaster but portals of deeper self-understanding. ~Troy Murphy
Posted on: Mon, 15 Sep 2014 13:15:01 +0000
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