FACING THE DISTURBING TRUTH: RECOGNIZING FAMILY JEALOUSY A jealous, envious, or competitive relative will never be happy for you. She will not celebrate your joys or successes, but she WILL celebrate your sorrows or failures, and although she might make an effort to keep it to herself, you will sense it. It will kill her to compliment or congratulate you. She doesn’t believe you deserve anything nice, or that you worked hard for something- she believes it’s just dumb luck- and why shouldn’t it happen to her instead of you? She will make lame excuses not to be a part of your happy occasions- getting “sick” on the day of your wedding and miraculously recovering the next day, being “too busy” to visit your new baby, “not being able to get a babysitter” for a big party at your house. She doesn’t want to see you surrounded by family or friends or celebrating any happy events- it just kills her to watch you be happy! When something bad happens to you, however, she will be there with bells on. If you lose your job, you have problems with your kids, your husband leaves you, or God forbid, anything worse, she will swoop in with false sympathy long enough to hear every gory detail and then disappear just as quickly, without ever having actually done anything helpful. It’s as if she can’t wait to get home and gloat in private, or call up everyone she knows and pass around your bad news or revel in your tragedy. And she will make it a point of claiming that you “deserved it” or explaining how you screwed up and “brought it on yourself.” There will never be any true empathy, compassion, comfort, or encouragement. An envious relative will choke on the words “congratulations”, “good for you” or “that’s so nice” when you achieve a goal or have a happy event. You can count on never, EVER hearing the words, “I’m so happy for you”, or, heaven forbid, “I’m PROUD of you.” He is also completely unable to manage any words of sympathy (or at least any sincere words of sympathy) when you are grieving or in sorrow. When my beloved cousin Tony died unexpectedly and very prematurely after a short illness a week before Christmas, I was devastated. We were very close and he was like my older brother. Tony had spent every holiday at my house for many years and my husband and children were also heartbroken. He was a gentle, good-hearted soul whose loving and cheerful presence kept things on an even keel at family gatherings despite my birth-father’s hostility and nastiness. Like all best friends, we chatted frequently, went out to lunch, and spent a great deal of time together, commiserating and laughing about the relatives we had in common. Christmas the week after his passing was a very traumatic time for me, and I missed him so much I couldn’t help but brush away the tears. Yet my birth-sister, who was in town for her once-a-year visit on Christmas, never uttered a word of condolence. No sympathy whatsoever, not even an acknowledgement that I had suffered a major loss in my life the week before. She did not even mention Tony’s name. She laughed, chatted away about herself, and celebrated the holidays with our cousins at our aunt’s house on Christmas Eve, and then came to my house as usual on Christmas Day, eating the food I had prepared through my tears and having a fine time without even acknowledging Tony’s very conspicuous absence- as though nothing was the least bit out of the ordinary. Tony’s friends put together a wonderful memorial service for him a few months later. Many spoke about how much they loved him. I gave the eulogy, and my husband and children attended as well. But not my birth-sister. She couldn’t be bothered. And even worse, not my mother, either- even though she was Tony’s first cousin, she went to an anniversary party instead. So while I tearfully struggled to get through the eulogy I had written, neither my mother nor my b.s (birth-sister) was there for any kind of support. It has been nine years since his tragic passing and my family and I still miss him and feel his loss, especially around the holidays, but never once has my b.s. expressed her sympathy or even mentioned his name in all this time. Although I had expressed sympathy to her in the past when she had lost people she cared for, the favor was not returned. And since Tony’s passing, she has made it clear to me that she STILL feels entitled to MY sympathy and support if she loses a loved one, even though she gives none when the situation is reversed. This is a common characteristic of all narcissists. Sympathy FROM me was expected, but sympathy FOR me was unheard-of. Was she envious of the relationship my family and I had with Tony and the love we felt for each other? Was she jealous that I had been blessed with someone so terrific in my life? (I should mention that she could have been close to Tony too, if she had ever made an effort to keep in touch, but she didn’t- as she didn’t with most of the family. I had a special relationship with him, as well as many other relatives, because I DO make that effort.) Was it a small victory in her one-sided competition that he was gone and I didn’t have him anymore? Was she so selfish and self-centered that only HER pain deserved an acknowledgement- and she was blind to anyone else’s sorrow? Or was she secretly glad to see me hurting over the holidays instead of being happy and enjoying myself? I’ll never know- but her completely ignoring the fact that I was mourning the loss of a loved one is shockingly uncaring and unfeeling behavior coming from a so-called “sister”. A jealous relative will do everything he can to bring you down and keep you down. This will range from snide remarks and criticisms, to lying about you or gossiping behind your back, to outright sabotage. I have seen jealous parents or siblings purposely set up a situation to embarrass or upset their unsuspecting family member- some even going so far as to sabotage their relative’s job or marriage. If you are joyful, he won’t be satisfied until he sees your smile vanish. If you are sorrowful, he’ll make sure to say or do something when you are at your lowest point to make you feel even worse. In the Old Testament, we see that Cain murdered his brother Abel because he was jealous of him (Genesis 4:4-8). Abel never did anything to deserve being murdered by his brother. In Genesis chapter 37, we are told the story of Joseph. Joseph’s brothers were consumed with jealousy toward him, threw him in a well and plotted to kill him. They eventually sold him into slavery and told their father Jacob that he had been killed by a wild animal. That is how much their hatred burned toward their brother because of their own envy. But God loved Joseph, and prospered him greatly, as he will also prosper us. Genesis goes on to tell the rest of the story of Joseph and his brothers. Joseph had a happy ending, in which his brothers must come to him for survival and repent, he forgives them, and they are all reunited, together with their father. Our happy ending may not be the same as Joseph’s, but, sisters, I assure you that we will have our happy ending as well! Thanks be to God! A jealous relative can only feel good if you feel bad. The last thing he wants is to know you are happy. All his high points come at your expense. In a sick way, he is truly obsessed with you and your life. Without realizing it, you have become his focus. It is a creepy feeling to know that you are just going about your normal life and minding your own business, all the while being observed by a loved one with jealousy in his heart who is just waiting for you to be hurt, upset, or embarrassed in some way. Perhaps he is angry that you are not as obsessed with him. Maybe he wants your attention and is resentful of not being the center of the universe to you. In the case of a sibling, maybe he wants your PARENTS’ attention or approval. Perhaps he feels inferior in some way and can only feel better about himself by bringing you down to what he unconsciously thinks is “his level”. Or perhaps he really IS inferior, and can only boost his own self- esteem by making you look or feel foolish or bad. When a tragedy happens to you, he is secretly thrilled, because all along he had been bitter at whatever good things you had in your life.
Posted on: Wed, 18 Sep 2013 17:22:07 +0000
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