Five more ideas that Congress can employ in Rahul Gandhi’s ongoing image makeover exercise Rahul Gandhi has already shown the country how strongly he feels about criminal elements in politics. To take forward his image makeover as the angry, righteous man of Indian politics to its logical conclusion, The UnReal Times presents five ideas that, with a little help from his fawning Congress colleagues and that paragon of selflessness Dr. Manmohan Singh, will confer upon Rahul a stature rivaling some of the tallest leaders in Indian history. UPA okays an ordinance ceding Kashmir to Pakistan; Rahul tears up the ordinance: Under the leadership of Dr. Manmohan Singh, the UPA cabinet draws up an ordinance ceding Kashmir to Pakistan elegantly justifying it with words such as peace, trade, tranquility, friendly relations etc., and sends it over to the President. While the President ponders over it, Manish Tewari calls for a press conference. Three minutes into his holistic defense, Rahul Gandhi leaps from the first floor of a balcony overlooking the podium, and lands right on top of Manish Tewari. With bloodshot eyes, Rahul hollers that this ordinance is nonsense and he will not condone ceding territory to execrable Pakistan. With tears in their eyes, the nation’s youth stand and applaud patriot Rahul’s nationalist sensibilities. Government allocates 10,000 crores to corruption in Union Budget; Rahul tears up the budget speech: Finance Minister, P Chidambaram explicitly allocates a substantial sum to commissions, kickbacks and various other avatars of big ticket corruption, eloquently arguing that since corruption is anyway an undeniable reality, it might make sense to explicitly budget for it and thereby take a step forward towards limiting it. Five seconds into Chidu’s follow-up quote from the Bible, Rahul Gandhi leaps from his seat onto the table, reaches Chidu in a blur of motion, snatches his budget speech and tears it to shreds. As the principal opposition watches awestruck, anti-corruption crusaders across the country wonder if they may have got a new messiah to show them the way. Robert Vadra attempts to fix another deal with DLF; Rahul Gandhi destroys the contract: Real estate shark tycoon Robert Vadra and his friends from DLF and the Haryana government go on a biking expedition countryside. Vadra stops at a random location, smiles devilishly and says, “Nice place. I’ll take it.” Nodding hastily, his DLF friend draws up a sanction letter for a zero percent loan, and his friend in the Haryana government draws up the papers for the mutation of the deal, when suddenly out of nowhere, Rahul Gandhi parachutes into the area, snatches the papers from dumbstruck officials, crumples them into a ball and swallows it. After washing it down with some Thumbs Up, Rahul Gandhi says, “This is nonsense!” CBI gives clean chit to Dr. Manmohan Singh in Coal scam; Rahul Gandhi tears up the clean chit: After a thorough investigation, CBI declares that there isn’t enough evidence or reason to pursue the probe on those accused in the Coal scam, and proceeds to give a clean chit to them one by one. Just when the CBI spokesperson gets to Dr. Manmohan Singh and is about to announce his innocence, an enraged Rahul Gandhi storms towards the spokesperson, grabs the clean chit from his hands and rips it into pieces. The journalists break into spontaneous applause, the loudest applause coming from Dr. Manmohan Singh himself. Congress sends Sanjay Jha to defend UPA in NewsHour; Rahul beats him up: For the umpteenth time, Sanjay Jha appears on Newshour, mouthing irrelevant inanities at some times and outright bullshit at others, even as a frustrated Arnab Goswami holds his forehead and screams, “You are not answering my question, Mr. Sanjay Jha!” Thirty seconds into the drivel on one such night, Rahul Gandhi suddenly appears in Sanjay Jha’s panel, roars like the Hulk himself, and proceeds to club a terrified Sanjay Jha to within an inch of his life. He then pushes the unconscious form of Sanjay Jha off his seat, takes his place and answers Arnab’s, and therefore the nation’s, each and every question to the point. The nation watches in shocked silence, awed at this display of transparency. THE UNREAL TIMES
Posted on: Sun, 29 Sep 2013 08:35:44 +0000
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