Good morning humor!!!! An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.” Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?” The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.” The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?” The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.” Mister, why doesnt this cow have any horns? asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, Well, maam, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keepem trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young uns by puttin a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow dont have no horns, maam, is cause its a horse. 3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control. So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation. Hardware tech: Lets try and fix it. Ill crawl under the car and take a look. Systems analyst: No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes. Programmer: Why dont we just get back in and see if it happens again? What time does the library open? the man on the phone asked. Nine A.M. came the reply. And whats the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that? Not until nine A.M.? the man asked in a disappointed voice. No, not till nine A.M.! the librarian said. Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.? Who said I wanted to get in? the man sighed sadly. I want to get out. One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked: Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat? The man replied, Oh no, not at all. I lived in downtown Toronto and this weather is just like a typical July day in the city. Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man. When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the Torontonian, Are you hot and uncomfortable yet? The young man looked up and said, No, the temperature is just like a hot August day in Toronto. Im coping it just fine. Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this mans stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the Torontonian jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air. This looks promising! thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting: The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup! The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup! An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadnt been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, Were not coming out until you leave! The old man replied, I didnt come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators. Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time! A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, My fathers a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess. And whats the moral of the story? asked the teacher. Dont put all your eggs in one basket! Very good, said the teacher. Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, dont count your chickens until theyre hatched. That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share? Yes, maam! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldnt break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands. Good heavens, said the horrified teacher, what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story? Stay away from Aunt Marge when shes been drinking. A man with a nagging secret couldnt keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. What did you take? his priest asked. Enough to build my own house and enough for my sons house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake. This is very serious, the priest said. I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat? No, Father, I havent, the man replied. But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, But they are twins. If youve seen Juan, youve seen Amal.
Posted on: Sat, 06 Dec 2014 14:29:27 +0000
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