How Do I Manipulate a Narcissist? by Evelyn Ryan, Yourlifelifter If you are or have been in a relationship with a narcissist or were raised by or with one or more and are reading this, you have been traumatized by and suffered what I believe is the worst psychological and emotional abuse imaginable. The harm is immeasurable and can go on for years. You will read over and over and over again how no contact is critical to your healing from the trauma AND for you to heal your destroyed self esteem and self worth and, for some, your broken bank accounts. And I agree...totally. Fortunately, some of mine (yes, a herd) live far away and make it a bit easier for me. But what about the one or ones who are not far away? What about those you have to see on a periodic or more frequent basis? What about those we MUST be around or those we work with and see or speak with daily or every other day or even weekly? What about those we may be in court with? at graduation? a school ceremony? a wedding? How do we manage those interactions? How do we make them tolerable? Should we? I remembered at the beginning of my healing even after years of study wondering (I analyze all the time), Can you have a relationship with a narcissist? Sam Vaknin, a pathological narcissist amongst other things, and a reknown expert on narcissism, stated that you could if you learned how to manipulate him or her or them. If Sam, a self proclaimed narcissist and expert whom I respect very much said so then it must be so. After all, I have a professional relationship with Sam. Since Sam is brilliant, extremely analytical and detailed, and based on my reading thousands of pages he (and others) have written on pathological narcissism, I can only surmise he does not know how. Sam does provide excellent pointers (with a narcissists bias) on how to deal with them but did not tell specifically how to. After all how often would a narcissist manipulate another narcissist, right? It is possible but not probable. So I embarked on my own mission to figure out how do I manipulate a narcissist and this is what I discovered. The answer: Use them to your self advantage as they used you. Lets break this down a bit further. If narcissists NEED adulation and attention and we know what makes them tick, give them what they need in effective doses if and only if it benefits you or your children. Give them a dose of their own medicine with a spoon of sugar! The key here is ONLY IF IT BENEFITS YOU. Use your compassion and emotional intelligence that made you a target of a narcissist now to manipulate them as they did us. Use your personal power to turn the parasite host relationship into a mutually beneficial one and one that will minimize and prevent further harm to you and your children. I would like to caution everyone that doing this is in advisable and probably not going to be very effective in your early stages of self discovery and recovery when NO CONTACT is absolutely necessary to your healing. This also takes strong self reserve and discipline and good acting skills. These are honed over time but you can start learning and practicing immediately. Remember, we should never participate in an interaction that will put us or our children in harms way. Seek police or legal or professional action for protection immediately. So here are 8 quick and effective pointers in learning how to use a narcissist to your advantage. Note, however, that the narcissists benefit as well...that is the key here. These suggestions are mutually beneficially and are designed to minimize and prevent further harm to you and your children. 1. Establish clear goals with the strongest focus on emotional freedom and health rather than money or revenge. Money is not an indicator of success and can be regained and earned quicker that your emotional health can heal. Money generally is meaningless if you are emotionally unhealthy and suffering. Revenge and benefit are not synonymous. Do not seek revenge or ever go after a narcissist, or anyone for that matter. Be clear that your motives during required interactions be based solely on what benefits you and your children and giving up the victim mentality. Remember that YOUR choice of divorce and to stop his or her narcissistic supply, will instill his wrath and he will fight to the death to win including destroying you and your reputation. Stay calm and focused on emotional freedom, not self satisfaction. 2. Use your compassion and emotional intelligence to your advantage. Play off a narcissists predictable reactions and moods. Gauge their mood and meter your actions accordingly. Be careful not to overdo it. Act commensurate with what you want to achieve. Be creative. Think out of the box. 3. Only interact with them on days that things are going their way. This is when they are the most malleable. Otherwise have NO contact with them. Remember that you will always be their narcissistic supply and on their off days, they will shadow their wrath on you like they did in the past. The objective is to benefit you, not cause you further harm. 4. Avoid a battle including court at all costs. READ THIS AGAIN. Dont do JUST what your attorney or friend tells you to do. Never take punitive actions or actions that appear punitive. Narcissists are predictable but complex and hate to be challenged or ashamed and will fight to the death to avoid either. Play nice in the sand box to tip the scales in your favor. Remember your goal. Be creative. A gutsy friend told her ex that legally having joint custody would be a burden on him that he did not deserve and that he could see his daughter whenever he wanted. This was true and she ended up with full legal custody which was in her daughters best interest. She never prevented him from seeing her which turned out to be a few visits anyway and he backed off since there was no battle or challenge for him to win. 5. Give something up periodically to make it appear that the narcissist won rather than challenge them. I waived 100s of thousands of dollars of child support since money was my narcs sore spot and would keep me connected to something I wanted to move away from. This leveled the playing field and minimized the conflict to my daughter and me. This supported by goal for emotional freedom. 6. Pay them compliments or give them a present. This will feed their need for attention and adulation. Even if you are in divorce or custody proceedings, they will never pass up on a compliment that they were the best at this or that. Tell them they look great, are an expert, are the smartest...whatever pushes their egotistic buttons. Be creative. Even cook them their favorite meal or cookies. Remember that while you may believe some of this, you are insincerely paying compliments. Do this sporadically and intermittently ONLY if you need to. Remember the elemental word here is YOUR self benefit not your self sacrifice. 7. Agree with them even if you dont. This will feed their need to be right. You will know the truth but he or she wont and it wont matter. If your conscience makes it hard for you to actively agree, then respond neutrally such as Geeze, that is interesting. I never heard it put that way before. Or just nod and say ohhhh or I get it. 8. Apologize if you feel you have to to get what you want even if you dont have any remorse. Even better, tell them you made a mistake and should have listened to them. This will play up on their need to diminish and denigrate AND their need for adulation. I hope you find these useful. Remember. You can use your compassion and emotional intelligence that made you a target of a narcissist to turn a harmful relationship into a mutually beneficial one and minimize and prevent further harm to you and your children. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted on: Wed, 31 Dec 2014 00:26:57 +0000
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