I KNOW ITS LONG BUT PLEASE READ!!! Ok folks if you are reading this i will assume it is because you are either curious about my life, or youre extremely bored. Maybe even both. This isnt a plea for help nor is it meant to be a sob story. People have been noticing over the past year or so that Im not quite the same as i was when they first met me. I have been doing a lot of really heavy thinking on this and i have figured things out finally. However, i think that in order to understand why i came to this conclusion you have to understand where Ive come from and the things i have gone through. Please bear with the poor writing skills, it has never been a strong point of mine... I was born into what I would wager to be the greatest family in history. My parents decided to bless my brother and sister with their very own little scapegoat. Growing up we didnt have everything we wanted but we never went hungry. I may not remember my mom and dad being around as much as some kids, but I knew they loved me. We were taught right from wrong and were given enough freedom to make our own mistakes. If there was an award for underachieving I would have won that beast ten times over. In school I never cared for my grades and that caused many problems with my life. I met my best friend any one could ask for. I was far too young to understand just how much of a part of my life Shawn would become. I was the lucky one when it came to high school though. I am the only one if my siblings to finish at the same school I started. I loved it. My friends, most of the faculty, but again I didnt care for my grades. I graduated, but just barely. After making the dumb ass decision to steal a significant amount of money from my parents they gave me the option of leaving for the army or going to jail. Anyone who knows me knows which one I picked. I may have been forced to join up sooner than I had wanted, but it was still something I had every intention of doing in my life. The army was the second most amazing thing to happen to me in my life thus far. Losing out only to my daughter being born this year. I learned an awful lot from the Army, and met probably the single most influential person in my life there. A man and fellow soldier, Seth Hildreth. Seth was an amazing person. He was the kind of man millions of men wish they could be. I know it is true for me as well. Unfortunately eight years ago Seth was killed while we were deployed in Iraq. I never thought losing a friend like that would hurt as much as it did, and on some days still does. In the too short of a time we knew each other he taught me so much about being a better person and how to control myself. Before meeting him I had what some folks would call anger management issues. Surprisingly tho it wasnt a long drawn-out process he used to help me, but rather one simple conversation. Simply put he asked me if I liked feeling angry. Of course I dont. When I said no he told me the words I have repeated so many times since. Well, in life we have two choices to make. We can either go through life feeling mad, angry, or depressed. Or we can smile nod an Charlie Mike. If you choose to feel the anger it does nothing but make the journey miserable, and keeps you from enjoying the ride. Those words meant more to me than anything I had heard before. Obviously it didnt just instantly change the way I acted when he said the, but the day he died, I swore I would live by that and live the rest of my life the way he knew I could. After being discharged from the army I was diagnosed with a Traumatic Brain Injury, and PTSD. I knew something was wrong but until then I didnt know what. these things have made certain aspects of my life harder than they should be. My memory is horrid, I suffer from chronic migranes, night terrors and insomnia. Most days are just fine, but on occasion I have bad days. Since then I have been working on and learning how to live with these disabilities. Using games like Magic the Gathering to help with my memory, and to help with being in large groups of people without having anxiety attacks. But not all things go well. For example I have managed to fail out of college not once but four times. Not because I dont know the material, but because I cant recall it when I need to. Now I know it doesnt sound fun, and it really isnt. Imagine looking at your father whom you have been having a conversation with for twenty minutes, and not being able to recognize him. Or forgetting your name when asked to give it at a fast food place. Needing to pull out your drivers license to spell your name for a job application. It gets old after a while. Anyways in 2012 I was diagnosed with testicular cancer. After radiation therapy and losing Ole leftie I beat it. Only to have that same bad new come again less than 3 years later. I was devastated by the news. Luckily, after going thru ten chemotherapy treatments I can once again say I beat cancer. Which brings us to today. As I said earlier people have noticed I am not the same anymore. I have been feeling lost, alone, and disappointed in myself. I have been feeling as though something has been missing from my life. Well today while I was off in my own little world, thinking, I finally had that aha moment. After over a year of trying to find out what I lost, and what I need in my life it came to me. I have lost myself. If I am going to turn my life around I have to rediscover who I am, and who I want to be. Im not sure how or when this is going to happen, but you can be damned sure I am goings to enjoy it. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I dont want your prayers or blessings in this adventure I just want you to take the time to find yourselves and make sure youre on the paths you want to be on.
Posted on: Tue, 23 Dec 2014 13:29:41 +0000
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