I debated uploading this. This is before I really woke up writing. Im posting it not so much for the God or religious aspect. Im more spiritual than fitting into a certain peg of religion. Also I dont go around preaching to others. Their beliefs are their own. It is my journey that continues to take twist and turns. I guess Im curious if this is something only I have experienced, I AM finding other mes out there. Writers that are much older and something just happened. For the most part... they keep silent.I wish I could find a me that I could share with. If this piece offends anyone, or if the manager of the board feels I its too religious, I understand if you take it off. For those who read thanks.. :) MY LIFE CHANGING EXPERIENCE By Mary Palermo copyright July 2013 This was written when I was trying to figure out who this new writer was that just woke up in my head.. Full of grammatical mistakes, so please excuse. This is a true account for you to judge as you see fit. Up to this point the only thing I ever wrote was the weekly grocery list. Now I even make that into a poem :). It was VERY hard to write... NOT edited so please excuse ** I am inserting this** March 2014- In November of 2013 I was in a very bad car wreck. Once again I had a life changing experience. I have as yet written the account down in it entirety, but will do so in the future . I know there is something beyond this World. I know everything is a puzzle piece that we all fit in at some point. Before my wreck I was suffering severe migraines and was having severe headaches. It was so bad I had sat down and wrote goodbye letters to all my family members. I felt so alone, and even managed to write a poem I entitled Pyramid Of Disbelief. The fear that the Brain Tumor I had for years had grown terrified me. Then the wreck....In that wreck I saw death in my face...THIS IS IT! CLICK...I waited to die...not hear a voice say You surrender? A voice of God, or an angel? Something I knew... I knew loved me and he was standing by me...watching. A door to a hallway was behind him... But I have to start at the beginning..... I just want to say.. Have hope in your bleakest hour, in your worse pain.... There is more, much more.... I wish you blessings & hope... Hope that anything I have said helped in anyway. This is something that has taken me a lot of courage to write. It is something that once ‘the event’ had happened; I just wanted to share it immediately. Time passed..., I realized that even though I had changed, the world around me had not. So,negative thoughts entered my head trying to get me to just forget about the past and to just move on. Who would care to believe me anyway? I would sometimes stare at the ceiling into the late hours of the night and ponder, just why bother? I’m far from intelligent; my grammatical skills would probably equal that of the average 5th grader. I surely wouldn’t want to be on that TV show, Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader? I would be the laughing stock for sure, my grand kids would beat me hands down. Now I understand when God determines he is going to use you as a messenger, well there is NO hiding. Resistance only frustrates you more, until you are SO eaten away you just give up fighting. When you do, its like such a joy, no longer are you fighting what is your calling. This transformed ‘new you’ is a formidable thing,as you feel so isolated. So you seach around hoping to find others that seem to be in the know like you. Unfortunately, that is not the case, and you find that they usually have their own hidden agenda’s. Finally the collection plate will be passed around, or maybe just a donation please? I cant voice how many times my moral views have left me abandoned, and left behind by others.I become so disillusioned with the world, and feel such a deep sadness. There will be those that love you on one hand for what you represent, but its like you have the plague. Just another one bites the dust, and your left to stand back in wonder what went wrong. Trouble is you ARE different, you have become carefree, and innocent again. All the tolls in life not open wounds to cause you anymore pain. You view the world with a new sense of wild abandon and appreciation. I have always been a very shy person, holding myself back, not thinking I was worthy. Letting others be the spokesmen, and orators .Now a key has been unlocked, and I am free to be the person Im truly met to be. My inhibitions are completely gone, as I want to just frolick like a child. Spread out my arms,just to feel the energy of life around me teaming with life, and love that I never experienced before. A harmony, a serenity, a oneness that I now feel.That is jumping ahead of what I have to say. What I need is to be able to select the right words to rely something no words can describe. Enough for you to grasp, feel, and believe. Call it fate, destiny,sometimes I feel wrongly a curse. Maybe God’s will for some greater good? One would say they are all the same thing, but no longer can I block this. So, I sit back and prepare to do what I have been destined to do, and maybe finally I will have peace. Maybe you will find, that you grasp what Im trying to share. I pray this is so. So, I begin my task at hand.... First, let me state everything I write is true to the best of my ability.There was no reason for me to write some fictitious account to bolster my ego, or to think for one moment this would ever make me a dime. It is written simply speaking, because it was meant to be. … As sure as the sun sets, the waves rush to shore, the winds blow through your hair, when you decide to print this out, sit outside to take in the beauty of nature that God has chosen to give you. It is a gift …precious, timeless... a jewel, to be shared and cherished…..from whom or what God is. So I begin…. I would like to add..please leave comments, or at least post that you like this. Not for my pride, but to show you got something out of this for whatever power wanted you to read it. I have a copy of this also on my business site, which details how many times a post is viewed. Hundreds of people have read this, but didnt feel comfortable even acknowledging that they have? I feel that we need to stand up for whats good, whats moral, whats missing in this country today. I know I had reached such a low point, that I really cant say where I might now be. I do feel there is hope, and others need to stand up, and look at their own lifes. Take a stand for family, for values, for what is true. Right IS right, wrong is wrong, there is no grey areas to pretend you get it. Pretending and bending the rules, only makes you the loser..you could reach the level of total fulfillment and joy, you would just kick yourself and wonder why? Why do I HOLD back and point fingers? Maybe God looks down on us all the time and is saying why too.... But let me try to write this. Maybe this time I can do it... I also want to note that From A Distance , by Bette Midler always echoes in my head. If only....? Once again I attempt to start this task of uttermost importance I lack the skills, the ‘smarts’, but it’s the feelings that I hope to share. Maybe one day I will wake up with the insight to correctly go back over this, and make it grammatically correct.... Do I begin saying, “My fellow human beings”, and end up sounding like some Kennedy speech from the 60’s? No, not quite my style…. A lined paper awaits the words where I hope to sculpt a vision imprinted in my soul to connect to your heart. A bridge, I hope that will guide you in the days ahead for you to experience, and share with others. The words must be simple, direct, no nonsense, but be powerful. Inside I know this is extremely important. No fancy, higher vocabulary to confuse, and require you to look something up. Balled up papers, rejected attempts, litter the concrete floor, the frustration! My cat Sammy stretches and watches me closely. Does he understand my plight? Yes, I think he knows… I’m only human, attempting to express a feeling of bliss, and peace, so overwhelming that often the sight of a butterfly makes me cry. The birds that have taken roost in my chimney have decided to fly out, and scatter. Their chirps breaking the air, as I sit outside at my patio table, and try to recall, that day 2 years ago. A bullfrog has now taken up residence in my flowing pond, his droning, a pathetic croaking for a mate. I’m so in tune to nature, but that is again jumping ahead. I need to step back, block this out, and bravely, open that door. A door I would rather not open, because that was before… When I lived day by day, unconcerned, unyielding, to the real idea of the reality of God’s existence? I was very much in control of me, thank you very much. I went to church, I prayed, I did all the proper, correct things when I felt like it. You would think, after almost losing my husband three plus times, me and God, would have been on a first name basis. But no,…I would go merrily on my way, and just put if off. But, as I peer into that dark, gloomy void, I didn’t completely understand, that I had it within myself, the ability to gain access to a ‘secret door’ where knowledge was far beyond anything I could ever comprehend. Maybe that’s why we have extra brain cells that we don’t use? I hungered for answers, but the rat race of life kept me centered, busy? My focus was on my six grand kids, my children, my husband, hurricanes, rebuilding, but there was always that hunger. I would seek out answers, but then, bingo, I was dissatisfied. God wasnt cracked to be what I wanted him to be,so I decided hook, line, and sinker to throw him back. My fish, ‘God” once again had disappointed me, so splash, he was out of my life. Gone for another day! But in my head, I knew he must exist…our vast universe did not just happen by chance? So what was wrong? Why couldn’t I just connect from point A to point B? Where did feel I had the right to judge God as unfit? That was before …now in my mind I am there…Stripped to nothingness…bare to my soul, an empty shell of a person…Vulnerable….. I have journeyed back to the bleakest period of my life. The morning my husband, Eddie awaited his test results confirming he had stage 4 cancer. This was our fourth journey to death’s door, but this time it was totally different. The other times I would run on auto-pilot, just go,go go, if I ran fast enough, nothing could catch me right? Some life prolonging surgery would fix what was broke, and then on we would just march onward . We even experienced two major hurricanes, Rita and Ike in which we suffered major structural damage. During Ike, our whole 1st floor had to be gutted, and rebuilt. The smell of dead fish took your breath away. I remember me and my daughter, using sledge hammers to break up the ceramic tile floor in the kitchen. We had to use masks as the stench of death burned our nostrils. Years later, I found out that I had fractured my elbow busting out tile, and had never been aware of it. My parents also had both passed away, neither were the compassionate, hand holding, last goodbye’s feed to us on TV. The experience with my father’s passing had been especially traumatic. Hooked up to life support, toxic stickers on glass sliding doors, so pathetically demoralizing . A room where a monitor counting down the heartbeats ....eighteen, seventeen, and the nurse speaks up ” He’s gone, that is just static electricity”. I’m like what? Wearing gloves, and foot protectors, we are marched out of the room, not able to hold him, to say one last goodbye. Just silence and my heart shattering into a million pieces inside. When I ran into the attending physician, also my own doctor, who is busy signing the death certificate at the nurses’ station. I felt the need to show him an old photo of my parents, taken during their early years of marriage. He scoffed and said, “Everybody has to die sometime!” How callous, how uncaring! What a deplorable man! My mom was also in ICU, just doors from where my dad had been, and not in the best of shape. I felt like I had been slapped, not once but twice. I had a funeral to arrange, even though my dad had prearranged his funeral. The casket he had choose many years earlier was not even available anymore. Let me tell you this, without going into a lot of detail. A freaky thing happened at my dads funeral which is a tale in itself. During the middle of his funeral we overhead a loud commotion. Planes, old fighter planes from WWII, were flying directly over the funeral home. The director went and opened the doors for everyone to take it in! The nearby airport was having a celebration commemorating Pearl Harbor Day, early, which was news to us. Dad would always talk non stop about the war years when he was a pilot in the Army Air Force. Guess dad in his own way was winking at us ,and letting us know he was still around. But his connection to us was so great, the real estate agent selling my parents house, gave us back the key. She told us we could find another agent. Dad really didnt want anyone taking over his territory I guess. I was becoming bitter, disillusioned with life,and all its hurts. Ticked off, would be the best way to describe it. This time was totally different, Eddie WAS going to die. No last, lifesaving procedure to step in like the previous times. The doctor had saw enough tumors to know it WAS stage 4 Bladder Cancer. Hopeless! The physician said Eddie had already been told. I entered the room, and saw his anguish, and the defeat imprinted in his eyes. “Just take me home and let me die!” He was still pretty much out of it, the anesthesia somewhat affecting his personality, even then. The writing was on the wall, I needed to prepare for the worst. I had seen this transformation before, but not to this disheartening degree. In his forties, when he had major blockage requiring triple bypass surgery, he had totally pushed me out of his life for 6 months.I remember this horrid red, stuffed, heart pillow, he was given, to keep from bursting his chest wide open when he coughed! Kind of burnt me out whenever Valentines Day came around for the next couple of years. Verbally he hadn’t expressed that he was giving up this this time. He just didn’t talk at all, he had buried himself into a hole. Try as I might, I was not allowed to follow, to help. What is a wife to do? Now they understand that open heart surgery does cause a form of deep depression. Back in those days he would just sit and stare at the blank walls in the dark! ”Shut the curtains” and the clock would tick. It’s amazing how loud a ticking clock can sound! He wanted me to find someone else, and not be saddled with him. Our youngest son, Johnny, was to marry in December, but I didn’t think Eddie was in any shape to attend. Luckily he proved me wrong! God was guiding events even then. I still have memories of my son’s fiance, Dana, passing out when we were exiting ICU after visiting Eddie the day after his surgery. The doctor had failed to properly close off one of the incisions to the vein in his leg, and we had arrived to find him in a huge pool of blood!The nurse looking around in amazement as the red tide dripped onto the floor! What if we hadnt been there? What were the nurses doing, popping popcorn again?They were always popping popcorn it seemed nonstop! CODE 4. And then Chaos, total chaos hit that room, and we just stood by helplessly and watched! That was yet, another close call that we havent even included in the Eddie’s cat life’s comparison chart .Eddie had lost over 30 percent of his blood supply that day, and had to be rushed back into surgery. Huge gauze bandages seemed to be on every part of his body! From his chest, to his legs, where the veins had been retrieved, seemed to have been violated in some way. Somewhere under this ‘mummy ‘was my husband, and my heart just wept inside to see him suffer.He survived!, and time passed in a never ending surge, as memories stacked on top of memories. Some were good, some were bad…but at least there WERE memories. Sometimes when I decorated the Christmas tree I would wonder what the next year held out for us. I would unwrap an ornament, hold it tightly in my hand and dream. What was the future going to bring? Would I be a widow, maybe it would be me gone? What had happened to my positive thoughts I used to have? I was constantly looking at obits to see who had died. Would a small dog outlive me?, what about a parrot? I was always prepared for the worst, so I knew I could get through. Prepared, I was definitely prepared!Nothing would bring ME down...never. Time passed, and Eddie started feeling ‘out of sorts’. Maybe his bypass had to be repeated and he was once again plugged? But it was worse, much! It was 2007, and tests revealed he had an aortic aneurism that could burst at any moment. He went to Houston, saw a specialist, and was scheduled for surgery in 3 weeks. During those weeks, Eddie worked, coming home from work via the bridge that connected our city, Bridge City, to Groves. I remember always sitting by the phone, and waiting to get ‘that’ call.”Mrs. Palermo, we are sorry to inform you…” “Channel 2 News here, there has been a major wreck atop the bridge, stay tuned as we get further updates” I thought that the higher up from the ground, the more pressure, and likelihood of it bursting. I still dont know what gave me that idea back then, or if it was even true. Again he made it! We preregistered, and did the necessary tests, several days in advance.The day of the surgery had arrived , and thirty minutes before the procedure, we were brought into this little cubicle of a room. A stack of forms a mile high were handed to us. First for me to sign, then for Eddie. The explained the high risk of the procedure, and released all partys from possible future litigation. It became apparent to both of us, they didn’t expect Eddie to survive! I remember seeing the horror in my mother-in-laws eyes. I seem to always remember people’s eyes in times of trauma. Saying what is their hearts that they can’t voice out loud. A silent knife slicing through the air, the kiss of death that makes the hairs stand up on the back of your arms.God, I was, gosh, I was…there is no word to accurately describe my feelings….. Family were crowded around me like sardines, and now they lay this on us? We turn our heads…the gurney is here…It’s time…Again…inside I knew I could do this…They strapped him in, and of course the stupid crack of the hospital gown to deal with. Those damn wheels of the gurney sounded like one of those wayward shopping carts from WalMart .The one that you can’t steer, its wheels, fighting and squeaking, every inch of the way. It seems like there is an epidemic of them at Christmas time for some reason. I have a momentary image in my head, of the surgical team trying desperately to maneuver Eddie into surgery, and they just can’t make the turn! Funny you say? One stupid thought was that the cart was under the knife and my husband being among the team fixing the wheels. Strange the stupid thoughts that flood through your mind to protect you from reality. I remember looking into his eyes! I had seen that same ‘doe, before the mack truck hits’ look before, and it permeated the air. A timeless chill that hit’s you’re innermost being. The urge to give one last kiss, one last touch, one last form of connection before its over.Nothing seems to be enough, because forever is forever. My forever was possibly going to come true. John Ritter had died from this exact same diagnosis, and he was taken directly to the hospital and died.I was trembling inside, what now? He, of course, survived this to the amazement of his doctors, and again we moved on, dusting off the bases to play yet another game.Taping Catholic Saint cards that just seemed to show up in the strangest places. We were up to eight by that time and were not even of the Catholic faith. Pretty puzzling? So, I was an expert or so I thought. This time but my heart still skipped a beat. I was shocked, as a total emptiness engulfed me, and I just knew I couldn’t go on. What happened to my fighter, the unified us, the battle we could win together? I wanted him to sit up, laugh, and say, not me doc…I’m a fighter!…But no, I was going to be left alone…forever…That had a hollow, echoing sound to my very soul. With time the anesthetic wore off, his memory faded, and he forgot the information passed on to him. He was joking, cutting up with the nurses…I remember going outside the door and breathing in… out, hold your breath…. I was hyperventilating, gosh don’t let it turn into a full fledged panic attack…I thought I was going to pass out. I remember the doctor, his blue eyes, crinkles in the corner. He fiddled with his surgical mask still hanging loosely around his neck. But it was those eyes, all compassion crying out to me, wanting to help, but powerless, that calmed me. He cared, deep down, he really cared, he took my hand, squeezed it tightly speaking in a whisper. He and my husband had went to school together and graduated together in 69. The nurse brought black coffee while we discussed briefly my husband’s grim future. Dr. Healy had another surgery to preform, stood up, hugged me, and went on his way. My mind slowly snapped back on track…All my ducks in a row…drawing on my reserves, I headed back. In the waiting room, me and the doctor had decided since Eddie didnt remember anything, we would keep his grim diagnosis confidential. So for those 2 weeks I would know what he had yet to learn. So, I bucked up, I endured, I smiled, I laughed, but inside I was memorizing every breath he took. Every wrinkle etched on his tan face as he shaved. Every time the green flecks in his brown eyes would stop my heart, like when we first met. I couldnt imagine life without him. Did there exist a Future Widows Club you could join where the older members helped out the newbies? I even remember playing a sick game in my head…How would life be better without him game? Hey, I wouldnt I be able to sleep in the middle of the bed ?. No more sci-fi channel on Saturdays! Eddie was always watching some stupid ‘thriller’ on the Sci-Fi channel. We would have the TV tuned in to some movie where huge bugs or monster were on the rampage every Saturday. Show by show, invasion by invasion…But Eddie would act like a kid at a drive-in movie. I figured myself lucky he wasnt a ‘sports enthusiast .No Dallas Cowboys pillow decorating our bed, or Astros tickets jammed in the back of his wallet. After fixing him coffee, EVERY SATURDAY, in bed, no less, I would askWhat are the critters for the day were going to be? Sometimes I thought he did it just to agitate me, but it was all in good fun. I liked to see him revert to the child in himself, cheering on the intruders, as I desperately tried to tune it out. But to this day he still does it! The difference now is, now I am laughing alongside him.. But I JUST have to mention, I really hate the worm movie that has Reba McEntire allowed herself to be in. “Why Reba?, Why”. My brain cells refuse to be used to store the name of that stupid movie! Continuing on… I was almost out of fuel…tomorrow reality would raise its ugly head. So, in the bathroom I headed to take a leisurely bath?…or tried to. I wanted to loose myself in the exotic scents of the bath salts. Maybe I was swimming in Hawaii, or sitting at some bar on the sands of the Bahamas?NO I could feel the rage setting in! I was so mad at God! Why again? Was he having fun with me? I turned on the hottest water…I wanted to hurt on the outside like I did on the inside. Hurt felt good, why couldnt it be me? I started praying to God to take me instead. It made sense to me? I remember when Eddie had gone through his six month hiatuses, it was midnight. I went to the kitchen and got a large package of Oreo cookies. I remember lining them up like soldiers…Chomp, chomp, chomp… Guess I thought I would die from Oreo cookie poisoning? But after ten…gosh, ten, I changed my mind. Well to this day, the sight of Oreos makes me slightly ill. This time God had me in a choke hold, and there was no escaping. I couldnt run to Eddie for comfort, I couldnt pick up the phone, and call my mom, she had passed away. Calling Eddies mom would have made me a basket case, and that surely wouldnt help. Nobody but me, and the mirror that seemed like it was watching me forever. Seeing if I was hurting, laughing at my pain, reducing me to this pitiful human being that I was becoming. For what purpose I wondered?, and then I crumbled inside, I just knew as I prayed, this time was different. Inside me, I had flashes, my parents, my children, Eddie and me…Gosh, what was going on? I was scared, nowhere to run, so I put on my gown in the dark .I hoped Eddie didn’t hear me, he had been on the phone in the other room with his mom. I was on the floor in the dark, huddled…begging…like a lost child, I cried out inside, and then the tears. All those tears flooded out of me! I sobbed. All my renunciation about God was stripped as I humbled myself. I was shaking, my arms crossed, I began rocking. I remember taking the towel I had used to wipe away the tears. Smelling of soap , and the salt from my tears, I drew it to me, hugging it. “God let me know your there, don’t abandon me”. Then as I closed my eyes….I felt as if the universe, and I had bonded. All the hearts crying out to God were pounding in my head! I felt so ashamed! I wanted God to give me a sign, to let me know he existed, so I could withstand this last day? How dare I demand something so trivial of the great creator? I knew somehow in my heart he understood. I was so tired, I needed to get in bed, and my body was still lobster red from the scorching I had self-inflicted. Eddie, called out to me, he was waiting to go to sleep. He had never heard me, and how could that be? Turning on the light I’m desperately hunting for some stupid way God could signal me…Give me an SOS…to prove he existed. So the burnt out light, 3rd from the end of the tulip arrangement over the mirror was my focus. It had been burnt out for 3 months, and it had begun to symbolize our desperation. So I told God “Please when I raise in the morning show me you exist”. “Have that light on.” Stupid you say?In my head I actually said “Please” Desperation and stupidity are the peanut butter and jelly of life I went to bed…or at least I tried to. The next morning before I entered, I knew my answer before I walked in .Eddie was busy sitting on the patio waiting for me, humming a tune to some old 60’s song. It was something I knew we had danced to at our prom years ago. Wearing his class ring around my neck, which we had to pawn 20 years earlier when Texaco went on strike for months, and there was no jobs to be had. He didnt have a clue of what awaited him. I had done such a good job; I almost wanted to pat myself on the back. I hurried back into the bathroom to finish dressing, and brushing my hair. Before I entered the bathroom, I felt a peace like no other.A calmness that my bones just drank in, my fears extinguished . I ‘knew’ the light WAS lit! That light had always seemed to do the ‘supernatural’. Sometimes flicker constantly, go on, and go off…we even have Saint Cards taped on the mirror! Contractors, electricians never found an explanation. You could go in the walk in closet and ask a question, and the lights seemed to give you an answer. Turn on for yes, stay off for no. Even the bedroom walk in closet, and ceiling fan were in on the game. We would joke that maybe Grandpa was trying to come back and warn us about something. Never had we assumed that it was maybe God trying to ‘signal’ us? I mean that is crazy right? The instant I looked up I felt, or was engulfed by the warmth, it was breathtaking…intoxicating. How do you combine love, joy, happiness, security, awareness, compassion to name a few into one feeling? The majesty of it, the sweetness, the purity, and the innocence you experience. Where peace, and ecstasy became the bookends for your life. It was heady feeling of unity! You felt a total connection, total awareness of being a product of pure love. That is what GOD is, he is pure love…. On Earth we our separate, in Heaven, we all become one with our creator. How do I know this? I wish I knew…It was like a total flash of awareness…The beauty, the simplicity, it is an awesome feeling. You want to cry out, to knock on doors…Shout it from the highest mountain top, but what? Yawn. Yawn…this is the real world. So you begin to digress. You want to hide, and be like everyone else. No, that’s not completely true…At times you want to prove you can lower yourself, and be like everyone else. Who wants to hear about your Godly experience? You want to show you’re not a holey roller, which in today’s society is boring. You know that friends will avoid you, or try to dredge up something in your past to crucify you. You’re so alone with this unwinnable crusade to save a world that doesn’t want to be saved. You just want to share something so beautiful with everyone. Where the question why, is no longer the cornerstone to doubt. Why did God do this, why did God allow? Why, why, why? It no longer matters … Every petal; every droplet is numbered and has a purpose. Every vibe you get is directed from God, but you have to be in tune. The divine doesn’t knock on the door, and say is anybody home? You have to want, demand, to be clued into this road map, but at a price. Complete submission to give your unconditional love first. No judgments, no doubts, no hesitation, and be committed by your faith and tell doubt there is no room anymore. My husband and I waited for fifteen minutes in that doctor’s office that day. We heard the clipboard as it was removed, the footsteps of the doctor he walking down the hall to his office. I didnt know what God’s plan was, was it just for me to endure? No longer did it matter.Life here is only a beginning. Dr. Healy entered and sat down. Again those shocking, blue eyes. Amazed , he was totally speechless! The cancer was gone! He had seen it with his own eyes! He called to make sure the tests results had not been mixed up. The three of us skipped down the hallway, arm in arm. Patients in the waiting room knew something had happened. When they heard what happened they cheered and shared in our great joy! The way it should always be... I hugged the doctor…who smiled and said “God was there then, and he’s here watching us now !” Everyone in that waiting room bowed their heads, and prayed .Words escape me, people had tears in their eyes as they reached out to bond with total strangers. Now Dr. Healey is one of the many doctors shaking his head in wonderment on how my husband has survived four life threatening events. Four miracles you say? Life IS a miracle…The stars in the sky, the seashell encrusted in the sand, the grey in your numbered hairs on your head. The tears that are beginning to run down my face as I write this. Maybe if you print out these words, the feeling will come through…But be forewarned have a Kleenex handy. People, total strangers will ask for me to pray for them. They know nothing of my experiences, except that have ‘a feeling’. Sometimes they think it is something about my eyes…I have had complete strangers approach me, and just know something is different about me. Maybe they feel my compassion, my inner peace, the love I feel now for all things. I understand now that it is going to be forever be a part of me. Something I am supposed to share like a chain. Link by link,, connecting, growing over time, uniting. Sometimes I close my eyes to completely surrender to the feeling, and I just begin to cry. The feeling is so just so beautiful! I want everyone to feel it as do. God in all his righteousness picked me to in my time of need. To bless me, but I know it’s available to everyone .That is the purpose of this, is to let you know. When you go out today, open your eyes, and feel the wonderment around you! Don’t wait until you’re in a hopeless situation like me that finally triggers it to happen….. Close your eyes and stand in your backyard and feel the life… But get out a shovel and bury the word why. I believe it’s the most destructive word in the English language. Change how you view life…the glass can be half full. Forgive those you need to forgive, Husbands, and wives, bring back what is missing in your marriage. Share with someone who needs help…make a new friend that is lonely… The list goes on and on…teaspoon, by teaspoon, your hunger finally brings you to that door where you are no longer alone. Each thing you do will bring you added joy and fulfillment! There is a song I believe called “You Are Everything to someone.” I need to see if I can find it. Me and my husband now have a much closer bond. We know now it is for today, tomorrow, forever….To the end of time, is only one door that connects to eternity! Imagine ? But we do live for today, memorizing every smile each other makes. We show each other so much more appreciation for simple pleasures. Now, I think back to the time when I sat in my backyard, crying after my dad’s passing, and a beautiful, yellow butterfly flew, and perched on my finger. It perched there for five whole minutes, until it fluttered, flying onward to the flower garden. God was sending me a sign even then, showing me that inside us all; we are butterflies in a garden of love if we choose. In the last couple of months I started have ‘flashes’ of words in my head. It’s like my hypersensitivity has opened a blocked pathway in my brain. I will wake in the middle of the night wanting to release this ‘flow’ onto paper. Sometimes it’s like a puzzle, sometimes it’s like someone is dictating to me. Later I will read what is written as if I’m reading it for the first time. Some writers tell me that now I am a natural born writer, maybe I repressed it all these years. But deep inside I know…The closer I am to the ‘new me’, the ‘true me’, the more I connect with everything around me .But why now? I guess it was God looking down on me, seeing I was ready, and then in his mighty radiance allowed me to be complete. These ‘flashes’ did not come with a 101 refresher course on grammar instantly infused in my brain. That is something I will have to struggle to come to terms with. My family is trying to understand why there is post it notes everywhere, and classical music is playing from my Ipad. My bored grandson even made a long necklace from paper clips that I seem to always need. ”Grandma are you okay?” I replied “Kaylor, I’m not just okay, I’m great”. He did the high five, and then I took him to the park, and slowing had how to ‘experience’ everything around him. He even hugged a tree, and said “grandma, I never looked at the world like this before. It’s like I have new eyes.” So now I have completed my task, my mission. If just one person is helped by this, it was all worth it! As I close this, I feel the need to mention, if there is someone out there that felt the need to call someone, dont hold back, do it..! When God tells me something in my head, I just pass it along… . Well, my cat Sammy is ready for his kitty treats for the day. He likes to perch himself on the back of my computer desk and chirp like a bird. You might have wondered why I think my cat knew of my plight? Well,Sammy being here is a miracle. I acted on my urge, my gut feeling, just like Im doing now. That urge was to go adopt a female cat. Well, Sammy definately not the sweet Persian female I had called in advance to pick up. I already had Samantha picked out for the name!My dreams were dashed,There had been a mix up.The employee hired that day placed the wrong tag on the wrong cage after cleaning. The female had already been adopted, and Im staring into the eyes of this male. I had a decision to make.My hubby had said definitely no MALE cat! Male cats spray all over the house stinking it up! I looked in his eyes, and he looked in mine. The same desperation rang out to me.. the gut feeling. Those vibes... And now Sammy rules the roost. My hubby never said a word! So just think, if the new girl hadnt been hired?If she hadnt mixed up the tags? if I hadnt got the urge, if I had went somewhere else? If I had said no, and had chosen a female after all? Gods will?, a bunch of hooey? I dont think Sammy much cares.. but maybe he knew? Maybe , maybe, maybe? This happens everyday. If we buried the whys, and noticed what good came when you act on that gut feeling?If we just took the time to truly appreciated the good things in our lifes. A daughters smile....Teaching your son to fish for the first time, staying that extra hour at our parents house, telling them just how much they mean to you. May God Bless You and Your Families My Heart is so overwhelmed wanting to share the joy I feel…… When I do watch Sammy sitting on my computer desk chirping like a bird I often wonder...Maybe in his mind he thinks he can fly? Alas, this edit and share is on Saturday.(was yesterday) My hubby is busy clicking to the Sci-Fi channel yet again. Picture this..A granddaughter in all her glory! Curly hair, eyes sparkling as she is begins teasing Grandpa yet again about the restriction for guys to join her Girls club.You must own a pink tutu.. The monster of the hour is a giant , and shouts fill the air! She is leaping on the bed ,giggling,peels of laughter, and hugs. Miracles of miracles, Sammy has jumped up onto the bed too wanting to join in the fun. Now spent, all snuggled up, cat purring next to by husband who is an avid cat hater. Amazing....I must find the camera! Life is good..................... May God Bless each & every one of you. photo id=4 />
Posted on: Mon, 28 Apr 2014 16:22:16 +0000
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