I feel speechless when it comes to wording how I feel 6 months - TopicsExpress

I feel speechless when it comes to wording how I feel 6 months later, is TIME even relevant during grief? Regardless, this marks a milestone for me to honour my amazing husband and pinpoint just where my thoughts are at in the current. At a late hour, just 6 months ago I awoke to hear booming knocks on my door, unforgiving and unchangeable knocks that I wish to erase. Of course with the fear in my chest I phoned Dom, being a whole 3 hours away, He was still my safety. Of course. Oh how I yearned for his voice to pick up on the other end. We had only been apart for a mere 3 days and I had spoken to him the previous day. He was meant to be away for a week (unusually so). Dom did not pick up, he could not. Instead after several more knocks I gained the courage to turn on the porch light and crack that door. Never did I think the news I could hear in under a few minutes could wipe away a lifetime of dreams and hopes set before me and my family. Thought - DISBELIEF - I sat in this season a while, coping mechanism most likely. Because allowing myself to fully believe it, was and sometimes still is just too much. Partially, I think I slipped in and out of disbelief because grief then felt lighter. Thoughts 6 months later - This has become REALITY and disbelief is more my imagination by choice. This reality is not what I would have chosen. Deep heartache at this void YET coinciding with total trust and massive amounts of peace. Was handed Doms T4 earlier this week. And I just wept when I opened it. Yes to heartache. Yes to the fact that this was his last record of work. But also joy tears to the fact that he is DONE. Done as a good and faithful man here on earth. Done to hard days, shit weather days and toil under the sun. Imagining the place prepared for him has been a delight, but my mind only serves as a small portion of what God graced him with. Not resting in peace but LIVING in PEACE. Although my hand reaches out and longs to feel Doms weathered man hands and even interlock with my Donovans detailed palms and fingers . It is different for them, they embrace my hand as if I have already arrived. Today, 6 months later, Dominic (meaning of the Lord) holds my hand and he reminds me... Peace be STILL.

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