I just finished writing a test that I completely bombed because I was unprepared for. That is simply the consequence due to lack of action on my part, I was gazing out the window not writing my test and thinking about what transpired this weekend which was fun and perspective changing. I got to see my younger brother Thursday night whom I have not seen since I got out of the hospital last year after checking myself in. There was some tension and it wasn’t until Saturday night after the wedding that we discussed what has gone on over the year. This page that you are reading this on started when people on the corner who I would talk to asked if I could start something to inform them more while I was doing my protest. He discredited what I was doing because I spelled my sign wrong the first day. Which allowed me to change and evolve it the next day and the days after to what the sign established itself to be.(side note I as intoxicated the night I decided to do this and started my ATS protest page spelled the same correctly just the sign itself and that can be verified) The irony in drawing social assistance while complaining about the GOVT and what I was doing was a waste of Time and was I really making an impact in the community or in the world for that matter? He could not see that for 55 days I would spend 14-16 hrs a day researching, and sharing, that I looked at it as a job working for those who do not understand what is going on and happening in the world. Growing up I was ridiculed by him and he and at one point decided to asked me if I knew how much he looked up to me growing up? NO. I did not and I flat out told him. Not once did he ever tell me this or if he ever did it was overshadowed by how he treated me. I do not go looking for fights, I end them and trying to change a negative world, I am a magnet for such negativity. My cousin who was there, knew and has educated himself on the things I was trying to get the public aware of and believed in a lot of what I was conveying (NWO, Illuminati, etc). His stance though is one that many possess, “what can I do about it? So I might as well take care of myself.” Which is worse? Someone who knows the truth and actively does nothing to change it or someone who denies the truth and actively tries to silence it? I am not claiming I know the whole truth because that is not the case, I was simply told I would do something great with my life, I just had to decide what that would be. I look at myself now, at 29 and what I want from life and all that I had to give up to accomplish it. I want a family, I want children, I want peace and I want love. For the first Time in a long Time I am happy doing what I am doing, with regards to the protest. To know and have found others support is honestly more than what I received with my immediate family and for those who read this, from the deepest part of my heart and soul I am sincerely thankful and humble for your support. The support they give is to change me into somebody I cannot be. My cousin who is supportive of my protest still tried to steer me into letting it go. Where I am at in my Life is honestly not where I want to be. No significant other, isolated from those I grew up around because of who I am and what I believe, fighting against those who have no idea what is going on in the world, those who support what is going on and trying to encourage those who do know that it is now or never to do something about it. Between the perceived good and bad of what has transpired, to me it was all for the best. The desired outcome of saving people. Even if I only saved one life then it was worth it for me. But let us face facts here that more people are aware of what is going on and since February of 2002 when I was awaken I have had a hand in trying to do the same to others. Before that date, I spent my Time trying to make people laugh and feel good about themselves. My over active imagination contributes to my demise in many ways when it comes to my own personal expectations. Because other than facts that I can back up with proof, my dreams, my visions are mine alone left up to my own interpretation because I know myself best and the majority of people do not subscribe to psychic/spiritual ability one can tap into and deny any relevance it has in our existence. It is evident that I do not care about airing my dirty laundry as it gives it the opportunity to clean itself. There was an incident this summer that contributed to me starting my protest which was after a jack and jill at an after party I was completely hammered and did not remember how I got to bed. The evidence of cuts, bruises, internal pain suggested that I was beaten up and the only logical person was a family member who he and I were in a heated debate earlier that night. Subsequently the next morning I left a verbal message telling my mother who practically raised this other family member where her and her family can go. I say this because during our conversation with my cousin who was there that night, defended this family member and said he did not do this. I have no real reason to not believe my cousin except for the fact that people would rather talk about me then to me and it is hard for me to believe and trust others because of the world we live in. Initially, when I woke up I was told I fell on a lawn gnome. Then the person who had the party adamantly denies nor knows what truly transpired, so all I have to take is my cousins word for what it is worth even though he is extremely close to this relative. All these years of focused attention on the negativity of this wold has rubbed off on me. I am tougher for it but I do not know how much more I am better for it. But that does not discredit my ability to be a man about my own actions and I promised my cousin that I would make sure that that person knows I apologise for my actions. Even though it was the final motivating factor in me with regards to beginning my protest. No matter what I have chosen to do in this Life it has always come back to me trying to awaken people. School is a good distraction, work is a good distraction. And that’s all they are. Years I battled with myself because it was hard enough trying to understand how to convince others of my perceived purpose in life let alone others with what I wanted to do that was so great. Even now being in Early Childhood Education and the stigma of a male in a 97% female oriented industry I have had conversations with women who flat out called me a pedophile for doing this. Even after explaining and defending my reasoning. Life is not easy and if you believe otherwise then you are extremely fortunate and privileged and have the responsibility to share the burden of others who do not feel and think the same. That is why asking people to help me or understand what it is I go through on a daily basis is like asking a blind person to lead me successfully through a mine field. I had this dream on Friday where I was in bed with a women who has been the object of my affection for some time when her parents were behind us. As her and I were talking she told me she had to go to Boston for six months. So I chased after her. I ended up getting chased by some guy with a gun who tried to kill me but the bullet backfired on him, I am not 100% sure but I believe he was dressed as a patriot. I went back to sleep after waking up to try and dream this off or away because it left me with an overwhelming feeling of disappointment. Leaving me to reflect on who I am? What I do? How I define myself? There are people who cannot see the forest through the trees let alone the clearing on the other side whether it be a valley or shore. Whatever makes you positively happy. Some people do not understand that there are times you may have to knock a few trees down in order to get to that destination even if you do not want to. I’m not justifying my actions without asking for forgiveness due to the belief it was all done for the best because unlike those before me who had published findings, Galileo, Darwin, those ridiculed for what they believe and is now widely accepted as fact, I can’t give up on what I personally started 11 years ago let alone have those who died, done so in vain nor unfinished. I can however agree that the amount of Time I have spent on this quest/journey has taken its toll on me as a whole being and do see in the very near future an end where once and for all I can wipe my hands clean of this and truly reflect on what was accomplished during my years here and how much of a difference we made. If it truly was for the best.
Posted on: Mon, 07 Oct 2013 23:16:36 +0000
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