I know earlier today I went on a bit of a rant. It just really seems like the man upstairs has it out for me. This week. Ive since went a talked to my therapist and my sister Karen Donovan Tolbert and a good friend Ken Bowen. And got 3 very different but 3 very helpful point of views. I know my problems arent as bad as other peoples but they are MY problems and to me they are devestating Im working hard to overcome all obstacles life keeps putting in my way. Am I still shattered at what my girl did to me? I would be more upset if I wasnt shattered because that would mean the love I felt for her wasnt real. I want to grieve the loss of her. Because weather in the end she left me and was seeing another man behind my back, I was better for being with her in the first place. Im learning and its a process, that its ok to look back, just dont stare. My life with her was a good one, Atleast for me it was. And Ill carry a lot of great memories of her and will not let her final act be the one that defines who we were. Ive got great support amazing friends the best brother veterans in the world and a ton of people on my side. And because of that I know that failure is not an option. Im learning a lot about myself right now. From how much pain I can endure, to how much fight I have to get back up. From how to better cope with my PTSD and anger issues as a result of my time in a combat zone to how to be a better father son, brother and friend. I am overwhelmed at the amount of support I have received and its my oath that once I am strong enough I will pay it forward. You have all given me a renewed faith in humanity and the brotherhood of the Marine Corps. I will still struggle every day. I will still cry that she is no longer with me. But Im learning to accept that fact and will eventually use that to rebuild myself. I sad and mad and heartbroken and Im glad. Because it means I still have a heart. Im not the empty soulless dark broken human being I have convinced myself for so long that I was. I miss my girl. I always will. But if I ever want to be able to make someone else happy I first must learn to put joy in my own heart and be ok with who I am. Im working on it. And I promise as long as you all continue to fight for me and support me I will never give up, never give in and never surrender. I will have bad days, and many of them. But in my heart I know just like I was strong enough to pick up a gun and run toward the Chaios half way around the world into the dark heart of Africa not knowing if I would live or die but that I had to fight because those who could not fight for themselves needed me too, I will be strong once again and run headlong into my unknown future and I might fail and die one day but life will have one hell of a story to tell about the battle....
Posted on: Wed, 30 Jul 2014 00:56:46 +0000
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