Im still not feeling well. I am still awake. I feel so utterly hated by people. My mind keeps replaying all the hurtful little bits that occurred. All the cold expressions expressing their awkwardness at being confronted socially with a misfit and pariah as shitty as myself. All the anonymous hate mail. All the games they played with my schizoaffective diagnosed brain. Its completely hurtful. The fact that they cant bother acknowledging my distraught messages when the psychosomatic pain symptoms I experience escalate and I try to find some sort of relief. My mind anticipates their callous, sarcastic remarks. How nice it would be just to escape these persistent feelings. There has got to be some way to do this. I want them all in my past. I want to envision a happier future with people who are less mean-spirited. I dont want to dwell on any of this for another day. I am fully willing to abandon anything which was sentimental and special to me about these people. There is no feeling of the hands of fate pulling this together into a heart warming story of a misunderstanding which eventually sorts out into a happy ending. This was just a hurtful experience which I would best be moving on from. I dont want to force my mind onto thoughts that I am not ready for. The mind just seems to float from idea to idea. This persistent nagging sense just keeps invading my peace of mind. I was getting to the point for a while where I would have about 10 days without experiencing all this crap. Its like a miraculous feeling when the pain feeling evacuates my chest. I dont know how to get onto that permanently. Its like my mind keeps on psychically tuning in to some of these people. I really dont want that.
Posted on: Tue, 11 Mar 2014 05:31:34 +0000
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