In 2003, I wrote this letter to every JW I had an email address for. My JW husband had died of cancer the year before. * * * Losing my husband in death has helped me regain him in my heart. So long he was in a place he couldnt reach me from... He made it his struggle to grasp onto every solid thought. He held his dignity until it was impossible. Then, when he heard us pray aloud -- our sons and me -- for his peace and strength, he allowed himself to leave us and safely sleep at last. As strong -- as tough -- as I always thought I was, this was a raw tear in the fabric of my universe... or, I should say, in the very flesh of my universe. I saw so many things I had protected myself from... how he had shielded me in his weakness all the while I had thought that I was shielding him in my strength. Its a phenomenon of great loss that one vividly pictures the thing lost. Garrys dear heart, his presence, his strength, have returned to me at times as clearly as if he truly stood beside me again. We were friends. We could talk, but we didnt have to. I have explored my memory for the places Garry has been and he is now secure in the places he belongs. He found the truth for me... quested after it longingly... letting it be real for him and making it his own. When he was baptized, he told me: They dont tell you about that feeling. What feeling was that, I wondered at the time. I discounted it, filed it in the back of my mind, but I wonder still. I love Jehovahs witnesses. In some form or another, theyve always been in my life. When Garry chose this way, only a fool would deny that this was for me... but only a fool would deny his true love and zeal for accurate information... Thats what he always called it -- the Information. He treasured it. Losing this great treasure of a man has been the severest jolt of my life. Nothing comes close to the sensation of a battering ram into my soul... As pain subsides -- and it must for life to go on -- as determination to continue returns, one would quest for some normalcy. Here I found myself, finally, determined to bring myself up to speed, ready to go back to all the meetings that Garry so doggedly took himself to. Here I found myself as well, knowing that things had transpired during Garrys illness for which I did not feel I had the full picture. Certainly, I wanted a solid foundation of information so that I could provide an answer when questioned myself. As I began to look in the public domain, where I knew the public would have been exposed as these issues were widely publicized, I found statements that made me uncomfortable and found questions whose answers did not fit into the comfortable framework that I expected. To try to use words to describe what I found would be nonsense. I discovered that the entire framework of the paradigm I had trusted to build my life around was a megalith of cards that collapsed in front of my face. In place of the love I wanted to believe in, I found lies and mind control. In place of altruism, I saw the lust for power and manipulation. The abuse issues are merely the tip of the iceberg. When I think of the sad and silly little men in whom I trusted my relationship with the One who made all things, I can only heave a sigh of relief that Garry did not see them in this life as I do now. It took a scant few weeks to see what I could not see for thirty-five years. I easily see that no one who is not a Jehovahs Witness would understand the gravity of what I have seen. By the same token, I know that it is the rare witness who would dare to face the censure of The Organization to get to the bottom of their revealed truth. Nonetheless, simple honesty took me there. Desire to uphold what is true and right. When the emperor looks naked, the emperor IS naked. The truth and a lie are not sort of the same thing. Honorability itself demands that I remove myself from the organization of Jehovahs Witnesses. It hurts my heart to leave behind so many that I love -- even more to know that these words will sound foolish to them and that they remain in a place from which they need rescue and a place that they will not likely recognize that they need to escape. I can only be grateful instead for my own expedient escape to freedom, insight and the ability to quest, finally and again, after all these years, for truth and the peace of God that excels all thought. This is a firm and studied decision. I spent weeks going through the what-ifs. I have looked at all the sources anyone would think to bring up to me. I am not tricked or demonized. I am not insane with grief over Garrys loss. I love Jehovah. I cannot have a false prophet standing between him and me. With Sincere Christian Love, Suzanne
Posted on: Thu, 10 Apr 2014 01:56:53 +0000
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