In my experience, waking up is something that happens again and again. We often talk in nondual circles about how there is no doer and nothing to do, and there is a tendency in a certain genre of nondualism these days to reject any form of practice as not only unnecessary, but as a hindrance that reinforces the root illusion of a self with independent agency. I can only speak from my own experience here, but after a number of years in that “no-practice-needed” genre, I’ve come home to an appreciation for a lifelong (present moment) practice. I use the word practice somewhat hesitantly as it may suggest something rote and repetitive, or perhaps a kind of training or rehearsal for a future performance, or something inevitably formal and tradition-bound—and none of that is what I mean to suggest. What I mean by practice is being this ever-new moment, being aware and present, having a kind of open curiosity that doesn’t already know the “correct” nondual answers, having a willingness to get lost in the darkness and be surprised. This practice can take many different forms, but at the heart of it is awareness and open presence. Yes, in one sense, presence-awareness is ever-present, but quite often it is clouded over by the “Drama of Me” and all the various forms of human suffering. So in another sense, waking up requires a kind of effort (albeit an effortless effort) along with a certain degree of commitment, courage and perseverance. In a sense, it is a kind of training. We could say that the ability to wake up is a kind of muscle that we develop through practice, an ability to recognize delusion and to turn back again and again from the thought-generated, self-centered dream, the fantasies of a better moment and a better me—letting go of our resistance and our defensive, self-protective postures, relaxing into simple presence and taking the risk of opening our heart and allowing everything to be just as it is in this moment. In one sense, this is the easiest and most effortless thing we can ever do. It is really more of a non-doing than a doing—surrendering, letting go, allowing the closed fist to relax and open—nothing could be simpler. But at the same time, getting to the place where there is the willingness to let go of everything we are holding onto for dear life, to drop our defenses, to open our heart, to not resist what feels threatening—this is often very difficult. It takes a kind of faith and trust in the power of awareness and presence because it is so utterly counter-intuitive. The mind tells us that entering and fully feeling the fire that we are avoiding will surely be the death of us. Sometimes the ability to let go just doesn’t seem to be available. The hypnotic force of old habits and the siren-song of addiction (the illusory but alluring promises of whatever we think we need) are too strong and compelling at that moment. It is as if part of us wants to let go, and another part wants to hold on, and we can’t force the part that wants to hold on to let go. We have to begin with allowing and loving this self-protective, defensive aspect of the universe. We have to recognize that our usual way of muscling through with will-power and force doesn’t work here, that this is an entirely different kind of muscle—like the Olympic runner who spoke of relaxing and going faster. How to do that? We simply turn our full attention to whatever is here now and allow it to be just as it is. And if that seems impossible, if there is resistance or seeking or trying not to try, then simply allow that, be aware of that. Is it possible to give the resistance or the seeking or the contraction the same kind of wonder-filled and devoted attention we might give to a beautiful painting, or to the face of our beloved, or our cat, or our child, or the ocean, or whatever we love most? Is it possible to be curious about it? Where is this resistance or this restlessness in the body? How does it feel? What happens to the sensations in the body if—instead of trying to ignore them—we go right into them with awareness? What is that like? What thoughts trigger and accompany this resistance and seeking? Can we begin to see and question the thoughts that tell us, “This isn’t it. It has to be different. Im not there yet.”? We cant make what we don’t like go away, but perhaps we can drop the judgments about it, the stories, the labels, and instead simply open to it and meet it with curiosity and wonder. Not once-and-for-all, but right now. Instead of thinking that the resistance or the seeking or the old habit is an enemy that must be vanquished, we might see what happens when we welcome it and become totally intimate with it. Instead of turning away from it, we turn toward it. Nothing needs to be different from exactly how it is right now for this to happen. We can always start exactly where we are. If theres trying or resisting or seeking or grasping, then we start with that—allowing that, being curious about that, being devoted to that—and we discover that right here in the thing we thought was our biggest problem, there is no problem at all. Slowly, we come to realize the ultimate powerlessness of the thinking mind and the separate self it pretends to be. And simultaneously, we discover the power of awareness, the power of presence to reveal and dissolve and transform everything. We develop a kindness toward our human nature, a willingness to accept what feels at times like endless failure, an ability to forgive ourselves when we don’t let go, a willingness to begin anew in this moment now. And we begin to catch those habitual thoughts that tell us, Im still not there yet, or I cant do this, or This cant be it. We begin to see how these thoughts reincarnate the mirage-like “me” and the story of separation and lack. And we begin to realize that these are just conditioned thoughts and not accurate or trustworthy statements about the nature of reality—that the problems they describe are actually imaginary. Waking up is not a place we arrive at once-and-for-all. It’s a discovery we make, a possibility we come upon, a choice we make, again and again—and always only in the absolute immediacy of right now. There is no end to the stormy weather in life, the difficulties and challenges. If we’re expecting to reach some problem-free state of perpetual bliss, we are in for endless disappointment. This isn’t about not having problems anymore. It’s about how we meet them. Loved ones die, fortunes come and go, and many of us will face the challenges of disability, illness, physical pain, depression, anxiety, addiction, rage, panic attacks, post-traumatic stress, despair and many other common forms of human suffering in the course of a lifetime. This is where the rubber really meets the road. Philosophies and belief systems crumble. So, what is truly trustworthy? What do we really want? What is the deep longing of our heart? Does our life in this moment feel genuinely open and undefended and awake? And if not, how does that closed fist open up? Sometimes, even after all these years, every fiber of my being wants to run away and close down, indulging in anger, despair, self-pity or compulsive behaviors instead of risking the open heart and the challenge of being fully present in the midst of the fire of this moment. But over the years, a growing willingness has been developing to start where I am, right in the middle of the anger or the despair or the self-pity or the compulsive activity—to really BE with this, to risk dropping my defenses and letting go of my accumulated knowledge, to open the heartmind and show up for how it is right now and see what happens…and to be kind to myself when I fail, to catch the stories of failure and doom before they spin their web. So if you’re lost in the story that, “I’m enlightened now—I’m finished,” or if you’re lost in the far more popular story that, “I’m not quite there yet,” you might want to question these stories and the main character at the center of them. We’ll never be there. We’re here. That’s the miracle! And the more deeply we attend to this moment, the more deeply we realize that Here / Now is boundless and unbound, seamless and all-inclusive, ownerless and most intimate, beginningless and without end. Happy New Now!
Posted on: Mon, 29 Dec 2014 18:34:00 +0000
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