Is analogue fire set to be the greatest invention of the Fortieth Century? Date: 12.8/6F/3956 Are science Fiction fantasies of humans being able to live in Wild Zones on their own about to become reality? Scientists at the Tree-Stuff Technology Institute in New Chigwell, Brazil have developed what they say is a method of making fire that requires no electrical current or computer assistance whatsoever. Professor Ug Tharg, who heads the institutes mauve-sky thinking panel, reported findings yesterday that suggest it might be possible for a human, unassisted by any form of cyborgic implant or robobutler, to make a kind of light-and heat-giving stuff using just some dead tree-stuff. If verified, these findings could be truly revolutionary. As Professor Tharg noted in his speech at he Institutes twentieth annual shareholders ritual today, This has long been a dream of scientists; to be able to create light and heat in the Wild Zone where the wi-fi doesnt go, and more importantly to scare off the Hairy Ones in the night, would completely change the way we look at our planet and its possibilities. But before you go thinking of wandering off into the Wild Zone and just making your own fire, theres a catch: its hard work. It took one of the Institutes fittest researchers three gruelling months of training to become strong enough to perform the process required to produce the fire without his exoskeletal enhancements, using a technique the Institute calls rubbing two sticks together. So unless youre prepared to put in some serious gym time, you may have to accept that a Wild Zone holiday isnt for you just yet. However, it would still be a massive boost to the economy if even a small proportion of the population were capable of undergoing the training and learning the technique. So how was it discovered? Well, like so many great scientific discoveries, it began with an accident. Research fellow Dr. Ah Thrak explains: It all started when I was sitting in the Dry Tree-Bits room, idly sharpening a dead branch into a point and wondering whether that might have any use. I was using my cyborgic rotator to spin the object reasonably fast against another similar one, and all of a sudden what I can only describe as a tiny bolt of lightning came out of my object and flew into a pile of smaller bits of dead tree-stuff beside me. If that werent exciting enough, the pile then began making other tiny lightnings, and soon all light and heat was coming off it. Unfortunately the automatic sprinkler system in Dr. Thraks robogenitals ended that particular experiment, but ...it got me thinking. I started to wonder whether it was actually the bits of tree-stuff that were making the lightnings, or whether they were just a glitch in my visual recognition enhancer. So, the next day, I tried it again, with the sprinklers off. And it worked so well that I ended up with ninth degree burns such as youd get from handling a McDonalds pie without gloves. That was when I knew I was on to something. The rest, as they say, is history. Once it was ascertained that the energy required to produce the effect was theoretically within the capacity of unaided human muscles, Dr. Thrak, a keen amateur athlete and four times winner of the Holding An Object trophy in the Brazilian Unassisted Athletics Championships, was the first to volunteer. I feel this is what I was born to do, he beams. Ive always loved training unassisted and Ive always been fascinated by tree-stuff; to be the first human ever to make fire without electronic assistance is truly a life ambition fulfilled. And of course these findings represent a marvellous boost for tree-stuff research in general. In fact, I think theres a lot more it can offer us. My department is currently working on a circular device made from a section of tree-stem that can help people travel long distances across flat land without using a teleport machine. Its an amazing substance, and I think humanity is only just beginning to explore its potential. If this turns out to be a viable technique, Dr. Thrak may be right. Who knows - one day we might be building houses out of the stuff with our bare hands. In the meantime, though, this reporter reckons its safer to stick to the fire on your screensaver and the heat of the microwave hearth.
Posted on: Thu, 26 Jun 2014 03:06:40 +0000
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