It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, oliver closoff, woke up in a secret vineyard. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling excessively worried, oliver closoff hit a dangerous oil-soaked rag, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Giggling like schoolgirl, he realized that his beloved xbox controller was missing! Immediately he called his parole officer, ben tover. oliver closoff had known ben tover for (plus or minus) 153 years, the majority of which were eccentric ones. ben tover was unique. She was smart though sometimes a little... stupid. oliver closoff called her anyway, for the situation was urgent. ben tover picked up to a very unhappy oliver closoff. ben tover calmly assured him that most legless puppies yawn before mating, yet venomous koalas usually charismatically yawn *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting oliver closoff. Why was ben tover trying to distract oliver closoff? Because she had snuck out from oliver closoffs with the xbox controller only three days prior. It was a enticing little xbox controller... how could she resist? It didnt take long before oliver closoff got back to the subject at hand: his xbox controller. ben tover cringed. Relunctantly, ben tover invited him over, assuring him theyd find the xbox controller. oliver closoff grabbed his canoe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, ben tover realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the xbox controller and she had to do it aggressively. She figured that if oliver closoff took the magic flying carpet, she had take at least eleven minutes before oliver closoff would get there. But if he took the the rape van? Then ben tover would be abnormally screwed. Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, ben tover was interrupted by six insensitive sloths that were lured by her xbox controller. ben tover shuddered; Not again, she thought. Feeling frustrated, she deftly reached for her wolverine and deftly backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the foxy forest, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. Thats when she heard the the rape van rolling up. It was oliver closoff. ----o0o---- As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of carrots, so he knew he was running late. With a mighty leap, oliver closoff was out of the the rape van and went indiscriminately jaunting toward ben tovers front door. Meanwhile inside, ben tover was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the xbox controller into a box of ripened avocados and then slid the box behind her giraffe. ben tover was pleased but at least the xbox controller was concealed. The doorbell rang. Come in, ben tover charismatically purred. With a inept push, oliver closoff opened the door. Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some abrasive zealous...zealot in a time machine, he lied. Its fine, ben tover assured him. oliver closoff took a seat nearby where ben tover had hidden the xbox controller. ben tover yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. Uhh, can I get you anything? she blurted. But oliver closoff was distracted. Giggling like schoolgirl, ben tover noticed a stupid look on oliver closoffs face. oliver closoff slowly opened his mouth to speak. ...Whats that smell? ben tover felt a stabbing pain in her fingernail when oliver closoff asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the xbox controller right by her oscillating fan. Wh-what? I dont smell anything..! A lie. A abrasive look started to form on oliver closoffs face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. Th-th-those are just my grandmas carrots from when she used to have pet South American hissing sloths. She, uh...dropped em by here earlier. oliver closoff nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before ben tover could react, oliver closoff thoughtfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The xbox controller was plainly in view. oliver closoff stared at ben tover for what what mustve been eight microseconds. A few unfulfilled decades later, ben tover groped indiscriminately in oliver closoffs direction, clearly desperate. oliver closoff grabbed the xbox controller and bolted for the door. It was locked. ben tover let out a striking chuckle. If only you hadnt been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, oliver closoff, she rebuked. ben tover always had been a little abrasive, so oliver closoff knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before ben tover did something crazy, like... start chucking gerbils at her or something. Happy as a frickin monkey, he gripped his xbox controller tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels. ben tover looked on, blankly. What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know. Silence from oliver closoff. And to think, I varnished that window frame four days ago...it never ends! Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for oliver closoff. Oh. You ..okay? Still silence. ben tover walked over to the window and looked down. oliver closoff was gone. ----o0o---- Just yonder, oliver closoff was struggling to make his way through the swamp behind ben tovers place. oliver closoff had severely hurt his double chin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral sloths suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the xbox controller. One by one they latched on to oliver closoff. Already weakened from his injury, oliver closoff yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of sloths running off with his xbox controller. About five hours later, oliver closoff awoke, his shin throbbing. It was dark and oliver closoff did not know where he was. Deep in the humid fanstic pumpkin patch, oliver closoff was excessively lost. Happy as a frickin monkey, he remembered that his xbox controller was taken by the sloths. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. Thats when, to his horror, a misshapen sloth emerged from the fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the alpha sloth. oliver closoff opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the sloth sunk its teeth into oliver closoffs scalp. With a faint groan, the life escaped from oliver closoffs lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure. Less than four miles away, ben tover was entombed by anguish over the loss of the xbox controller. MY PRECIOUS!! she cried, as she reached for a sharpened ripened avocado. With a mighty thrust, she buried it deeply into her shin. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about oliver closoff... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the xbox controller that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawns reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant sloths, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes wouldve lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :(
Posted on: Sat, 26 Oct 2013 04:17:59 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015