Julia has been with me almost constantly. My son here in Oregon had a conniption fit when I wanted to come home day before yesterday. He wanted me to stay with him on his farm. My nephew came and spent all last weekend with Julia and I, cooking us a fabulous gourmet meal on Saturday night. Father Jim Radloff called me on Sunday to talk with me for well over an hour because he knew it was Sids birthday, to check on me. Im sure it was because he knew it would be such a HORRIBLE DAY for me. He called when I was out at Johns arena apartment, scoping it out as a flop house, a place I can fix up, furnish on the cheap, and stay in when I feel lonely. There is a great place to build my dogs a fence. Anyway, Father Jim understands Johns wish to have me close because hed like to have his own mom move to Bend. This lifted my spirits because I love his mom, Joyce, and I think wed probably have way too much fun together. (As in, we might behave like eccentric ladies and reflect badly on Father Jim, especially if he were with us.) I AM JOKING. (Maybe.) Joyce is a lovely lady, and my idea of being really wild is having two martinis with a designated driver. So, Im just teasing you--and Father Jim on the side. It is just SUCH a good feeling to have so many people who love me. I cannot describe how lovely that feels, while my heart breaks and bleeds over the loss of the love of my life. I cant explain it. One must live through years of staying at home to care for someone you love more than life itself, to understand how awful it feels to suddenly find yourself free at night in a Red Robin for dinner with a seven year old boy, with a crowd around you, knowing you should be having fun and trying, but feeling lost and frantic, because deep down you KNOW you need to be at home, caring for the other half of yourself. But, I am so blessed. Sorry if that sounds repetitive. Coming up too, fast, I have Kiwi kids, along with parents, and along with my dad, coming next week for Christmas. I am so very blessed. That doesnt mean my heart isnt breaking. It is, and being free to be free is heartbreaking. For so many years, I stayed home almost 24/7 to take care of my hero, Sid. Now hes gone. So Im being dragged out of the house on the Ridge, and Im having minutes when I forget to mourn, only because people who love me are forcing me to live in the right now. More on this later, but Im feeling so blessed and so sorrowful at the same time because so many others who are going through this--or far worse--do NOT have all of this love surrounding them. They face it alone. Julia read to me the news report of the airplane that crashed into a home in Maryland, killing a newborn, its mother, and a three year old, while the father and the five year old child survived in another part of the house. I grew frantic, hearing about this tragedy because I knew my situation could be so much worse. Pray for that family, that they have support and Gods love to sustain them. FIRST! Pray for them now, and if you have time, pray for me. I cannot imagine the depth of grief that family is enduring. I just cant. I love you all. Goodnight.
Posted on: Thu, 11 Dec 2014 08:35:49 +0000
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