Last night was strange but beautiful. Its a bit confusing but I know why. I am going to write this fast because I know me and I will try to explain it away. I must have had a turning point in my grief and despair about Chili-Chili-Coco-Puffs death. I dont know if any of you saw my status last night but I had the strongest feeling, an expectancy. Ive been bereft because at no time since she died have I felt her with me as some people are so lucky to have after an especially loved one has died, no visits, or no glimpses out of the corner of the eye. Ive just had this huge sadness. Im going to copy and paste the two posts of what happened. I wrote both posts exactly at the same time that it was happening. The second post was written to some close friends and thats why its not on my public status. And then I want to explain it exactly as it happened last night and today because I just dont want my mind to have hesitation, or rationalizing it as my skeptical nature is wont to do. Im not going to try to lead it into something supernatural or something just the opposite. Okay lets begin; Erica Cabanel-Meyer 13 hrs · I have the strangest feeling. Its really hard to describe. Its almost like heartburn but the opposite. Like in between the breasts Im holding in my breath and the feeling goes up through the back of my neck into my lower jaw. Its like Im expecting something and Im nervous but Im really calm. Its not like a danger wait. Its like an anticipatory wait. I think its Chili. I think something is going to happen, like Im going to see a sign or shes going to visit me in a dream. Maybe my mind wants it so much my body is playing a trick. Maybe something snapped when I took a nap after my family visited. I was so exhausted and I dont take naps anymore but the dogs and I just crashed. But I woke up and I am stone cold sober but I feel MY aura around me, like a silhouette of me around me. Ive only had one supernatural thing happen to me and it was when I was a child. And Im not sure if time has embellished my memory of it. Im pretty much a skeptic who is open to the idea but doesnt believe a lot of it. But I wont shrug it away either. Its just that I dont know. Im going to see how it plays out. I hope it happens. Im not going to beg for it even though I want to. I just want to be open to it. Whew, Im nervous here. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ******This is Erica interrupting last night just to tell you something else important. A dear friend who is a nurse had a concern because the symptoms I described are very close to a womans heart attack. A womans heart attack has different symptoms than a mans heart attack. I just want to make sure those reading will be informed should these symptoms appear. Luckily I just by chance had an echocardiogram on Thursday. She said the following; Sidenote: that sounds like the symptoms a woman gets from a heart attack. Theyre different then a mans symptoms. Make sure the strength in your arms stays equal and when you smile your face is the same on both sides. Sorry.... Its the nurse in me. 12 hrs · Unlike · 4 ALSO another dear friend 3000 miles away said she was experiencing REALLY similar symptoms. Shes more open to the unknown than I am. She and I had been texting the night before really late in the night. We werent talking about Chili at all. Shes a really tight friend of mine and she knows my mind well, probably better than me.********* ``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` Erica Cabanel-Meyer Omfg. Andy is barking at the front door and then he runs to me and then again runs to the door and theres no raccoon and he doesnt have the bristle that he gets with the raccoon. First he just went still and barked one woof in the middle of the room. I SWEAR TO GOD. Now hes stopped. 13 hrs · Like Thats all I posted. My friends continued to post and some commented on experiences they had, I mean really beautiful stories. stories that are so beautiful that you hold your breath while reading. For me I continued to be entranced. I sat on my sofa with Andy and our new doggy Manzanita to await anything should it happen. It happened two more times with Andy. He got up twice from my lap and walked slowly from me to the middle of the room. Then he would just go still and do one woof. He didnt run, he wasnt scared, he wasnt trembling. It was as if he was acknowledging something. My mind was full of Chili as it usually is, tears were running down my face silently but I wasnt sobbing and I just sat there. I walked through her whole life, her effect on me, her effect on others. So many others had loved her also. I knew something was happening to me. I didnt want it to end. I cant say I felt her because I already do, always, so I wouldnt recognize if she slipped into my subconscious. After a couple hours I went to bed. I dont usually remember my dreams and I didnt dream of her but I did dream of dogs, dogs in shelters. This is weird but I dreamed of Brenda Barnette, the horrible head of Los Angeles Animal Services. I dreamed there was an election and she got ousted. That was my last dream, the only one I remember (I wish it was true). This morning my eyes snapped open and I knew exactly what I had to do. I need to take her remains to Kauai, to the beautiful Kilauea Lighthouse, and sprinkle her ashes over the bluff, the same bluff where I have scattered all my precious dogs ashes, their ashes mixed with plumeria and my tears. Ill be scattered there when I die. She needs to be there. maybe its me saying goodbye, goodbye to her or goodbye to this deep, deep grief. Maybe Im stepping on to the next stage of grief, Im crying as I write this. Oh, it hurts so much. I dont know. This morning is different. Every song is about her. every thought is of her. I can feel something behind my eyes. Its physical, not like a headache but of fullness. My chest feels full. It feels like a determination to do right by her. Maybe she wants to be with the other dogs. Shes last of my second five-packs of dogs, when she left it was the last of an era. The dogs are quiet. Andy and Manzanita are watching me. Both have come up to me and put their paw on me, and their eyes are searching my eyes with a deepness of understanding. Their eyes are suddenly a little bit like my baby Chilis eyes. Remember her eyes? Everyone would remark how expressive they were. I always knew what she was thinking and she always knew what I was thinking. If Chili is giving me this gift, this gift of my future dogs knowing me, I will be forever grateful to her. I already am. She was my once in a lifetime dog and she always will be. But shes guiding me, shes guiding me out of an abyss. Its going to be still painful, parts always will be. No way am Im over her, no way am I out of the grief but Im a bit closer to the light. Its the light of her eyes and her life. Were going to be all right because we will be together. Im so grateful for that. Im so grateful for her. I love you so much Chili-Chili-Coco-Puff.
Posted on: Sun, 14 Dec 2014 20:26:06 +0000
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