Life after Loss Chapter 1 4-20-2013 Where to begin; I learned today that there is a difference between mourning a loss and grieving a loss. Mourning by definition is the outwardly expression of internal feelings from grief. Where grief is the internal feelings such as; emptiness, fear, panic, loneliness, anger, guilt, and so much more. There are symptoms that have been established as grief response, not newly discovered, just recently acknowledged as we grow as a society dealing with the loss of a loved one. That being said, educating one’s self about grief and morning the question is; who do you talk to about your feelings and how to deal with them? Do you seek a doctor or your best friend? Do you go to a group or one on one? Furthermore, how will you know when you need intervention if at all? December 3, 2012 was the day Samantha passed away. I find that I am an analyzer, I analyze everything, I believe due to the fact that I was Samantha’s caretaker, I have been in a fighting mode for the past 25 years, which by the way was her entire life. I believe because she was so involved not only in her life, but in preparing for her death as well. She made sure she had all of her ducks in a row; so to speak. Of course the only way she could make sure everything was the way she wanted it to be, I had to become the facilitator for her death. Toward the end, the last two weeks actually, hospice was invited to help me keep her comfortable. Staying home her last three months of her life was not only good for her but was necessary for me. Chapter 2 2-2-2013 One year later…. Mastering awareness of seeing this new world I had been thrust into, created by the loss of Samantha was not only a challenge, but also a fight within me. Every day I had to talk myself into being present. Every day I had to say it was ok to laugh and enjoy a moment. Every day I had to learn to forgive myself of where I thought I could have done a better job of caring for Samantha, that if I had only done one more thing she may still be alive and here with me. The void and the silence were at most times deafening. The empty house was unbearable. Every room I walked into offered a reminder of where she had once been. Every place I drove by offered a memory of our time together. Trying to figure out a way to survive without her was my mission. I kept telling myself; one day at a time Therese, that’s all you have to do, is get through one day at a time. Getting through that one day was harder to do than caring for Samantha in her most difficult moments. The sobbing uncontrollably, the sleepless nights, the sleeping days away, all had begun to consume my every second. I could actually see myself from another point of view, and I did not like what I was seeing. About six months following Samantha’s passing, I thought I would go to a group session offered by the Hospice organization that assisted me at the end of Samantha’s life. It was a four-week session, meeting one time a week. As I had hoped to participate in the group discussions, life’s needs got in the way. It became imperative for my survival to leave my present job and start a new one. I was only able to attend two out of the four sessions. I think I was relieved; I really did not want to listen to anyone else’s story of their pain from the loss of their loved ones. Not enough time had passed for me to be able to talk about loss, and definitely not enough time had passed for me to absorb anyone else’s pain. So I continued on my path one day at a time. 12.3.2014 It’s Christmas time again, another year without Samantha. This past year I’d over into my new job trying to absorb everything that was going on around me, not to forget my sweet Samantha but to try and find some normalcy in my day. Looking back at this year there were many challenges I wasn’t expecting. On her birthday August 2, I had taken the day off to celebrate her day by doing something fun for myself. A few days later on August 9 in my hometown a young man was gunned down by a police officer, two lives were changed that day. I thought about that young man’s mother and how she must be feeling, knowing how I felt I could just imagine. And the officer and his life was also changed that day. The outrage from the community and from others watching this unfold from the outside began to gather and show their disgust in the result of this event. Little did I know what was about to unfold and affect my life in ways I would never imagine. That evening as people poured in from everywhere they began to become violent. Causing destruction in our community, rioting, looting, and burning buildings. Things happened so fast that the only thing I could do was to try and get out so that I would be safe. As the days, weeks and months went on things only began to escalate. Helicopters hovering over my house every single day, roads being blocked, teargas, smoke bombs, and constant gunshot resident throughout our community. For one entire month I did not sleep, I had a loaded gun by my bed for fear someone would come in harm me. Teargas filtered through the vents in my house causing myself in the animals to become ill. The stress was building, my fear was increasing, and I knew I had to do something to change my circumstances. I had a decision to make, to stay and fight or flee for my life. It didn’t take me but two minutes to decide what I needed to do and that was to leave. I called Linda and asked her to help me find a place to live as soon as possible and I had the house packed up in two days. September 22 was the day I left my home of 30 years. The home I worked so hard for in the home that had memories not just of Samantha, but of Jeremy and all of his friends and all of the times we had while they were growing up in this house. All of the changes I had made in the house, tearing down walls painting, reconstructing to make this house are home. As the movers put the last piece in the truck and close the door I looked down on the driveway to the hand prints that Jeremy and Samantha had put in the concrete. The only thing I could do was take a picture so that I could take that memory with me. Today I begin a new life.
Posted on: Tue, 13 Jan 2015 17:40:41 +0000
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