MEMOIRS OF HOIRSE THE BAND: Part 2 of 10 Each day we will post a story from the past about where we are playing that night. Except this story is 3 days late. NEW YORK CITY EDITION City Motto: “Excelsior!” Population: 8,405,837 Percentage of Population Expected to Come to Our Show: .004758598103% Summer of 2007. A true low low for your protagonists. After years of bridge burning we found ourselves reaping what we had sown, being rejected from several high-profile festival tours due to our reputation for hilarious hijinks (Nathan peed on the inner doorknob of Blessed By a Broken Hearts (BBABH for short) dressing room hours after meeting them, then closed the door from the outside, with all of the band still in it. We got a call the next day that we had been dropped off the upcoming BMTH/BBABH European tour haha), and found ourselves tour-less for the Summer Touring Season, our bread and butter, so to speak. It is like the time where the bear eats for 6 months straight before going into hibernation, to build up enough fat reserves to survive the bitter winter. We needed a tour or we would starve and have to move out of our parents’ houses. Enter Black Light Burns, Wes Borland of Limp Bizkit’s groundbreaking new project combining costumes with horrible music was looking for a hot new band to open their exclusive “club tour” to gain grassroots support. We got the call from our manager Tim Smith and after a collective suicide attempt decided to further slowly kill the beautiful labor of love we had spent our lives on by opening shows that would only increase the amount of mouth-breathing, numetal cretins who would come to our future shows and make our fans that we like hate themselves for aligned their personal brands with us. Anyway, we played the Blender Theater in NYC in the middle of that tour at some point. We were morbidly depressed. We pulled up to the venue and saw that the last parking spot had been given to the local opening band. We parked 20 blocks away. Veterans of the Blender Theatre at that point, we immediately went to the walk-in refrigerator and stole two cases of Budweiser and started shotgunning them, which quickly devolved into stabbing them with our car keys so beer would blast out and then pour the rest on our stuffed animals. Despite the parking debacle, the Blender had followed our rider to a T with regards to the “plush, lifelike, woodland creatures” request. We somehow had a full day of press scheduled, which was incredible given the lack of media interest at that point. We invited each interviewer into our little dressing room, stabbing beers onto them. It’s hard to remember who interviewed us at first, but at one point in walked Shallon Lester, star of Downtown Girls and a correspondent at the time for FHM, with beautiful face, fun personality, and some gigantic gazongas aka puffy patty cakes aka yub nubs. The tension in the room was palpable. We sprayed her repeatedly and at the end of the interview she had to go home to change clothes. She came back. A crowning achievement. Next up was the crew from an online metal subculture magazine, who filmed perhaps the most brilliant video interview of a band ever. Due to some events that have now become a national pastime in Australia called bubbling, which we made up, we’ll let you look into it yourself. Thats it.
Posted on: Mon, 11 Aug 2014 23:11:11 +0000
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