Many of us in the transgendered world live two separate lives. Those of us in the closet that have never ventured in public, those who are in public but our lives remain in the closet to friends and perhaps family, and those who are in-process of or who have fully transitioned but families have shunned us from their lives and memories. Regardless of our status and for those of us who have successfully experienced the world as our female selves, most of our struggles and pain occur inside while others are unaware of the heartaches we experience daily. For each of us, the struggles and pain are unique and they weigh on us each and every day. I’m certainly no exception to these experiences. I sometimes pride myself for successfully balancing two lives – many of us do. But outside appearances can be very deceiving. My heart struggles to keep my female life separate from the family I love to prevent what I believe is undue pain (personal family – not a spouse). In parallel, I struggle to nurture a deep love that I’ve only recently experienced. One that unfortunately carries many limitations due to keeping the family separated. While there remain numerous other factors – eg. duty to work – finding that life balance is no easy task to achieve. Questions as of late have flooded my mind; Am I doing enough to nurture this love? Can I give more of myself? Is it fair to maintain a love based on my life limitations? Can I continue to keep my lives separate and maintain personal sanity and control? (control of course being an illusion). If I walk away from my female self forever, will I ever find true happiness or will I spiral back into a sad depressing state and once again bury myself in work to hide my pain? (has always been my fallback position and safety net). Unfortunately, I don’t have all the answers. I’ve considered a few, but I know some will come with a price. While I’ve only been out and about in public for a short time (though my female legacy stretches back to my teen years), I ponder whether I’ve reached a vital crossroad in my life – North, South, East, or West. Ignition is on, shifter in neutral, empty stare reflects towards the horizon.
Posted on: Sat, 27 Jul 2013 23:21:44 +0000
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