Michael’s Blog Sept. 16 2014 An open letter to my dear friends in Scotland and Britain, Ill be thinking of you on Thursday as the good Scots people cast a vote for their future. For those of you wishing to secede, Id like to offer some perspective from a people who also chose to leave Britains rule, although we chose the more daring guerrilla warfare option--it gave us a chance to sport the buckskins that just dont get taken out very often. The facts of the matter are that some things that were never considered were changed forever when we said goodbye to Britannia, and not always for the better. Id like you to consider what could lie ahead, and choose carefully. Our experience is that once you secede, there are some things that will never be the same: 1. Beer. Lets get right to it. The fact that I call it beer should send off alarms. Good righteous ale was a casualty of our little secession adventure, replaced by, well, beer. Except here in Colorado, with more microbreweries than anywhere in the colonies...er...states. But we are the exception, not the rule. 2. Tea. Most Americans like theirs cold, with lemon and way too much sugar. In the South, they also like to put the leaves of the mint weed in theirs. Tellingly, they actually attempted to secede from the secessionists. Like, yesterday. Dont let it happen to you--tea here sucks. Except here in Colorado, especially Boulder, where we have several first-rate tea houses. But we are the exception, not the rule. 3. Football. I fear that football will change. A sport that should be defined by a ball, a pitch and ninety minutes of stamina will become unrecognizable. The players will be in full body armor, complete with corporate logos. They will have a break every 4.6 seconds. Each and every play, which coincidentally also takes 4.6 seconds, will be shown via instant replay at least 4 times, from several angles and at varying rates of slow-motion. This means those 90 minute matches now stretch from breakfast to warm-milk time. Then, the newscasts will dedicate four more hours to it all the next day, watching replays of the replays. Except here in Colorado, where they are STILL, at least as of five minutes ago, talking about a certain game last February that didnt work out so well, no matter how many replays were aired. But we are the exception, not the rule. 3. Music. Oh my, where to begin... 3a.--Pipes. Try to hold on to the highland pipes. Here, they tend to come out for firemen and policemen. They only know two tunes: one of them is Amazing Grace; the other one isnt. They wouldnt know a Pibroch if it hit em in the sporum. Except here in Colorado. We have pipes...a different kind, Ill allow. But we are the exception, not the rule. 3b.--Singing. Its football season (see football, above). while there is one contest on the gridiron there is another on the PA system, as singers try to melismatically outdo last weeks diva, vying to make the phrase Oh, Say Can You See into 537 syllables. If Scotland secedes, dont lose the old peurt-a-beul singing. Id love to hear your national anthem in nonsense syllables, just like ours. Except here in Colorado. We dont sing the national anthem; we just jam on it for 7 hours straight. But we are the exception, not the rule. 4. Miscellany. Hammer throws, putting the stone, and caber throwing will all come to mean something else, vaguely smarmy. Sigh. Lament for the auld ways, including spelling. Speaking: sadly, your lovely brogue will be replaced. For some reason, this cant be helped when secession happens. Your succinct, no-nonsense Aye will become a diphthonged, head-scratcher that means everything and nothing at the same time: Yeah, Boy... And be prepared for another shock: the word Clan will come to mean another thing entirely. Be afraid. Very afraid--it became a scary force on this side of the pond after the attempted secession to the secession. Except here in Colorado. Perhaps we were too busy hitting on the pipes, watching the same football game for 8 months, and jamming for hours on end to notice the racial unrest that took hold after a Civil War that nobody here seems to know happened. But we are the exception, not the rule. Well, I hope Ive given you much to think about as you make your choice. Remember, nothing turns out as planned in these matters. Even your oil boom--we had one also, its now, alarmingly, fracking everywhere. At least, you are approaching this decision peaceably--perhaps that will be the difference. And remember, when you become homesick for the auld ways, we commiserate--many of us miss them too. Except here in Colorado, which has a curiously high (funny) occurrence of short-term memory loss. But we are the exception, not the rule. © 2014 Falling Mountain Music
Posted on: Tue, 16 Sep 2014 23:41:45 +0000
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