My dad shared this video this morning, and when I was trying to distract myself from my own mind I was going thru my newsfeed and came upon it. So many are asking how we are. So many have quit asking, And so many seem to just be at a loss for what to say at all. Today I seem to feel like I can put jumbled thought to word. I keep happening upon these little signs from the Lord. Yesterday was kind of a tough day for me. Kind of is an understatement. Everyday is....but yesterday moreso than the others recently. The later the day got, the more it hurt. The harder it was to breathe. The more memories flooded in and the stronger the absolute deep gut ache for what has been stolen from me became. I am so angry at God! Im angry that my kids are being forced to have to grieve their daddy. Im angry that my son has to somehow compose himself enough to be able to graduate high school in 6 months, and because of the blank ache that overtakes his entire body whenever we start to talk about it. Im angry that my 15yo stays away from her room at night because of the shared wall with daddy and the longing to just hear him singing too loudly or talking in his sleep again. Im angry that my 4 year old cant even look at a blueberry muffin without breaking down hysterically because of how she longs to be sitting on daddys lap again sharing a muffin. And I am so angry that til death do us part is now. It wasnt supposed to be this way! We were supposed to grow old together and to enjoy our grandkids one day. We were suppose to be the proudest mom and dad in the room when our kids graduate and when they get married one day. We were supposed to enjoy finally building on to our house. We were supposed to live and love every day, always and forever. That was the promise. That was what was supposed to be. When it was finally bedtime (which is about 4am lately), I finally fell to sleep in tears. Of how much I miss the annoying things. Him making me come to watch some goofy commercial, or interrupting a tv show for an hour to fix the recording schedule. What I wouldnt give to lay my hand on his cheek.... To see his face. To rub his neck after a long day. How I miss him making me finish cutting his hair or check to make sure his beard was even. I miss the door creak telling me hes coming to get me for something. I. Miss. Everything. I awoke all night long with the most vivid dreams. I heard that door open at least 3 times. I heard him call out my name. I heard him singing. And each time I was startled awake it was just like another dagger. Even my Lacey was sleep talking about daddy last night. I just dont understand why. I just dont understand. But then there are the small reminders. The ones that tell me that the Lord is still there. That He has us in the palm of His hand....even when Im so angry and so heartbroken that my words to Him are scarce. From a perfectly timed phone call from a friend, to a strangers generosity, to a song link on Facebook. I dont know how we are going to make it thru this or how this pain will ever ease or subside, but His voice is there. And that does give comfort somehow. I dont fall apart much. I am trying to be mindful of the balance between grieving myself at the loss of my husband and lifelong love, and being there for the kids as they grieve their father. To help them thru this. To let them see me grieving to know its ok to grieve themselves. To keep from turning it all inward and locking it up in that bottle inside. Keep us in your prayers, my friends. All of us. The kids especially. Im not sure I will ever quit asking for your prayers to continue to help us thru this. Because despite my anger and my heartbreak....the prayers are felt. They are a comfort. They are spoken on our behalf during a time when speaking them ourselves is hard. And somehow....I really feel like they are the liferope that is pulling us thru the low moments. God is still in control, and He will provide what we need to get thru. His gentle reminders of that in the midst of the storm are evident. Much love to you all.
Posted on: Sun, 11 Jan 2015 18:31:48 +0000
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