My existence is useless. I doubt this will be posted so Ill just talk here. At least Ill feel that Im talking to someone even if its just a fake conversation. I want to disappear yet Im afraid to die. I feel like Im a burden to everyone around me. Theres no place that will not see me as an extra baggage to carry. Not at home nor at my fiancés place. Im afraid to talk to my friends about my problems, worries and pain. I only have a few to talk to, I trust and know them but thats why I cant open up. I know them thus I know how theyll react. I know theyre going to judge me even if they dont show it directly I know that theres no way that theyll comfort me without thinking about how utterly stupid I was. Theyre both successful in life. Im the only one who always end up as a failure. Im no genius like them I wasnt able to pass UP like them. I ended up in FEU and the moment I told them I saw a slight disappointment in their eyes. Im sorry I couldnt keep up with you guys. I really am sorry. My parents always had expectations for me. Expectations that Ive always failed to me. Even if I try my best, its always not enough. In my assessment Im not stupid nor am I a genius like my friends. Im not talented either. Everything I do seems to be half assed for them. I dont remember being praised for anything all I remember is my mom crying because I was the only one in my group of friends who didnt get an honorable mention. The words Sana hindi mo na lang kami pinapunta sa graduation mo. Are still ringing in my head. I know Im a failure as a daughter, Im sorry. I truly am. My only life support till now was strangers inside a screen. My only solitude was the internet where people would accept me for who I am and what I want to be. It didnt really matter to me whether they were lying or not. I fully understood that they didnt mean those things but having to hear those words of comfort soothed my heart for 10 years. My boyfriend is the only person to stick with me through all these times. Through out all my mistakes and undoings he was there, ready to share my pain and hold me tight. But I do know that it also pains you to be with me. You have a life ahead of you. Youre already a graduate and years older than me, you have a job and yet youre with someone like me. Im not a positive type of person and Im emotionally unstable. You know what Ive been through during my childhood and high school days. It pains me to see your pitying expression as I cry. Its troublesome, isnt it? Having a cry baby like me as a girlfriend. All you can brag about me is my face but never my personality. Im sorry for lacking social skills. Ive shut myself for a long time and thus I dont have a clear idea of how to act normally towards people. And so I just stand beside you and smile like a doll. Im not really complaining, after all youve given me so much that all of these are nothing. Im sorry you have to put up with me. I know that Ive caused you a lot of trouble. Im scared to ask if youre just with me because of our child. Maybe youre still with me because you genuinely love me, still Im giving you trouble. If I wasnt here then you would be working for yourself and not for mine. Im sorry. But of course it all comes to an end. You cant keep filling up a container and not expect it to blow up. I am full. I am sick of everything. I cant tell nor act whats inside me. I cant say anything because that would trouble other people. I am expected to nod and agree like a pretty little doll. I want to cry and complain but no instance would allow me to. I need to smile and pretend or else it will bring more troubles to the people around me. I love you all and thats why Ive endured so much. Ive kept quiet all these years because I dont want to give you any further problems. Ive already come to a conclusion that my sheer existence is unecessary, a burden, a troublesome encounter. If Im not here I bet you would all be living great comfortable lives. Im sorry you all needed to put up with me because that is your obligation and what society is putting you up with. I know you just dont want to look bad. Im very sorry. I love you and I thank you but Im sorry that I existed. You all couldve had so much better. Im worthless please just leave me and be happy. goodbye (FEU Manila - 2010)
Posted on: Sun, 20 Jul 2014 17:53:02 +0000
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