Okay I think I get it Ive actually got no power over this and I kinda like that thats why I love randomness hadnt even realized that till the trillionth time she blasted me bout being a random individual idk its kinda like its own freedom random occurrence are amazing but if Ive learned anything about myself id say Im not nearly ready to be a lets say complete person I still got some Connors to straighten out but I think in the long run itll be for the best I really thought this time by now I wouldnt care I was being a prick cause I was weak n have this tendency of ruining things to idk purposely screw myself over is that called like a sadist are something where they hurt themselves lol I talk alot to n damn i hope this doesnt all sound weird are that other word shes used to describe me...i swear tho it wasnt some kind of misguided or misuse of love it was all pride of importance even in lack of love..well even thats a bit strong maybe a childish selfishness is a better description of it...like I wanted to be accepted and to feel a bit more trustworthy even tho I hadnt deserved that I guess I was looking for a friendship in a mutual way of my own standards In importance like I looked at her in n although I was being a dick and being a overly lets say wrongfully romantic lol it was the friendship I really wanted to be stronger n god I have almost no patience n that lead to being washed away in pride as in how come n why even tho I knew I didnt want to because in her place I would have been inviting cause although ppl change for better or worse they never Really do I got stuck thinking of how it was n thats even before the strong liking if each other...but well in a way I didnt let myself dwn did I I ruined it...lol Im such an asshole but idk its slightly enjoyable at least Ive always got a reason to laugh or smile even if iam the joke or the silly reason to smile Okay I think Ive found a newfound understanding of myself, I always said I cared to much...but that wasnt true I cared mainly about myself and wat I wanted Ive even said that a few times but never actually understood it , Im not saying Im all new or something but I definitely wanna be more than wat Ive been so Im asking for an other chance no time soon but just hopefully sometime eventually, guessing I dont deserve a leap of faith as Ive continuously wanted but maybe sometime during this on going process ill earn chance or at least I hope so cause I do miss having a friend I actually care about 0:) Yup still feeling new old and worn out, but in a new way
Posted on: Thu, 27 Mar 2014 02:00:24 +0000
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