Please excuse how long this post is. I was going through my documents on my computer today to try to clean up a bit and I found this letter that I wrote to one of my students back in 2008. She was coming to me for private lessons and trying to overcome her social anxiety and lack of self-confidence. I put this letter together to try to help her with her journey by explaining mine. I hope their are some helpful tips in here for anyone who is struggling with their self-esteem: Elizabeth, I have been thinking of ways to help you overcome some of your social anxiety. By no means am I an “expert” but believe it or not I struggled with my self-confidence in my late teens and early twenties so I empathize with you. I hope this helps. Now let me remind you, this happened to me after high school as well. I was popular in high school, well-liked by most and had a pretty easy time of the whole high school thing in general. I was going into my sophomore year in college at Johnson & Wales when things started to go poorly for me. I thought no one liked me. I felt I didn’t really have anything important to say and when I would try to add something to a conversation I felt invisible. Like my opinion didn’t matter. After a while, I didn’t really say much for fear I would sound stupid (not uneducated but stupid). I certainly DID NOT think I was pretty. Boys were a mystery to me because I didn’t know how to be myself. I didn’t know what being “myself” meant. And people saw through that pretty quickly so consequently I was, in a manner of speaking, bullied and harassed. I was an easy target for men and women. As I grew into my early twenties it only seemed to worsen. I can’t tell you how many times I would go to the bathroom at my great paying city job and cry because the women at work were so mean to me. Perhaps they didn’t see what they were doing as being mean but I was so sensitive at this point that the slightest comment made me paranoid and sad. I hated going to work. I mean I hated it! So why am I telling you all of this? To help you avoid the pitfalls of lack of self-confidence early on. I had to fight to regain my self-confidence because I didn’t want to be invisible anymore. I knew that the only person that was going to change the outcome was myself. It was a worthwhile fight though. Painful but worth every bit of anxiety I felt to overcome it and to get to the other side. I made it to the other side and learn something new about myself everyday. I am proud of the person I have become because I’m not afraid to challenge myself, to step out of the box, to risk embarrassing myself for the sake of a new experience. And good or bad, those experiences have helped shape me into the person I am today. So on the next page there are some pointers. I don’t profess to have all of the answers because this is your journey, not mine. But maybe they will give you some insight. • Stay involved or get involved in things you love. Whether it is fitness, basketball, cooking, art classes, etc. Don’t make excuses. Get out there and do the things that you have been procrastinating about. Being proactive is a step in the right direction for boosting your self-confidence. It puts you in control and you will be happy with yourself for accomplishing it. Hopefully these activities will involve other people! An athlete practices to be a better basketball player or soccer player. You will need to practice socially and you will get better at overcoming social anxiety. • Practice saying “I like (fill in the blank) about myself.” Too often we see the negative things about our physical appearance or personality traits and focus on the negative when there are so many positives. But when your self-confidence has taken a hit, the positives are buried pretty deep. So take the time to sit down and honestly assess yourself. Knowing your strengths and your weaknesses helps to build your self-confidence because being self-aware is an important component of self-confidence. Once you’ve convinced yourself of your worth, others will believe it, too. (FYI – at one point for me, the only positive thing I thought about myself was that I had a pretty smile. It was the one complement people seemed to give me. So I smiled and smiled and smiled! ) • Remember I said I was paranoid and sensitive? I truly thought as I walked down the street or the mall that if people were staring at me they were doing so because they thought I was too tall, the outfit I had on was ugly, I was ugly! You name every negative thought and I thought it. I decided one day (I was about 23 years old!) that I had to make a conscious effort to stop those thoughts. As corny as this may sound, I decided instead to believe that those people I thought were judging me negatively were in fact commenting on how pretty I was, how lovely and tall I was, what a great outfit I was wearing, etc. After a while it didn’t matter what they were really saying because I stopped caring. All that mattered was that I had taken control. I had the power and that makes for a very self-confident appearance. Take control Elizabeth! • Vanity is a good thing when balanced with integrity, compassion, sincerity, honesty and all things virtuous. The cliché beauty comes from with in is so very true. But it’s ok to want to look in the mirror and like what you see. And you don’t just have to like it or be mediocre about it. You can love it! I believe feeling good about the way you look is a component of self-confidence. The truth of the matter is no one, not even Heidi Klum or Gisele Bunschen wakes up looking like the cover girl on Elle magazine. You are smart enough to know that but do you take the time for your appearance? You need to establish to what lengths you are willing go to achieve your perfect look. It takes time and effort to look polished and attractive. Are you willing to take that time? There’s a big payoff if you do. Not that wearing the perfect outfit or the perfect shade of lip-gloss is going to change your life but if it makes you feel good then it’s certainly worth it. • Help others. Volunteer. Do something unexpectedly nice for someone without any expectations of a return. I believe that doing for others is another component of building self-esteem and self-confidence. It makes you feel great, feel beautiful. The more I volunteered and took charge of helping others, the better I felt about myself as a human being. It’s a powerful feeling, an inner strength that kept building over time. Plus the positive energy I gave off was returned to me. Socially it was a catalyst that helped me overcome my feelings of being invisible. I had purpose. I had conviction. • Be a role model. I can’t think of a better path to self-confidence than to inspire others with your actions. Whether it’s to young girls in sports camps, students who struggle academically….whatever the case, you have talent and brains and young girls will look up to. And don’t just be their instructor or tutor. Go beyond the expected and be their friend, draw them out and engage them in conversations about your experiences. They will appreciate your ability to relate to them and to make them feel special. Well Elizabeth, these are broad-brush strokes. Take what you can from them and write your own story of how you built your self-confidence up. There’s no map and no leader. It’s all you. Make it happen!! Sincerely, Maria
Posted on: Sat, 09 Nov 2013 16:04:59 +0000
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