Retirement Diary Day 11: My first night in my new home wasnt as great as it should have been....I am ashamed to admit it but yes....I did christen my new home....BY FALLING OUT OF THE BED ON MY BIG FAT ASS ( eat your heart out Kim Kardashian...I was born THIS WAY...ask Lady Ga Ga....she would answer in the affirmative and I promise Madonna could be her witness)...I would have LOVED hitting the side of the house with a bottle of champagne to celebrate instead of falling but no such luck....Before we go out into left field without a roundtrip ticket back to home....let me explain....What had happened was: Last night I was super duper tired when I went to bed.....I did hear the Conductor aka BABY DADDY get up and leave the station to make his usual pit stops aka the BATHROOM to empty the train of his passengers...Sidebar: Lets do a show of hands...How many of you think I should change Baby Daddys name to THE PLUMBER? He always seem to have a leaky pipe...BTW, that nasty MOFO did NOT wash his hands or flush the toilet....I am starting to see some facets of his personality I didnt know existed....Can somebody please tell me when he became a tree hugger? Mother Earth would be so proud to know he is doing his part of loving the earth......I just dont think she didnt want him doing his part by saving water by not FLUSHING THE FREAKING TOILET...Somebody help me....Can a person get sick from their own E. Coli? Do we all have our own? Is E. Coli just E.Coli and is gonna make you sick even if it did come out of you? I really dont know...Now where was I? Think Mattie just think....Maybe you need to breathe first and think second...I cant seem to REMEMBER the order of importantance...Thanks for working with me and your patience.....I PROMISE we are almost home....ok..Baby Daddy aka THE CONDUCTOR possibly aka THE PLUMBER (all the votes arent in yet) went to the bathroom a lot more than usual last night...It occurrs to me that he may be suffering his own brand of anxiety from the move too. I FINALLY go BACK TO SLEEP. I wake up again in TOTAL BLACKNESS and SILENCE. CONGRATS! You get it...I PANICKED! Maybe, I shouldnt be telling yall this but I have an absolute FEAR of being buried ALIVE...so when I couldnt HEAR or SEE.....ANY-THING....Well you KNOW....my active imagination got the best of me and I flipped out of bed...dont know how the jungle lions do it cause this she cat cant seem to land on all fours...Pray for me folks. I thought I left the crazy shit behind in Nashville...but I guess this is not the case. I am now having to start a new list...First things first. I need to call the Life Alert people and see if they do business in GREEN ACRES...I also need to draft a note to keep in my pocket...no one is to bury me or put me in the EASY BAKE OVEN until after seven days of me not looking in the mirror at my BIG FAT ASS and trying to come up with ideas of how to become half the woman I am today...shit, just make sure my ass is really dead and gone...Back to the LIST...I have to stop watching horror movies...they have OBVIOUSLY screwed me up...and FINALLY, I have to get some stuff for my BRAND NEW CARPET BURNS! See folks, I listen...I now have CARPET in the bedrooms..No more HARDWOOD floors for me. My tushy has spoken and I have listened...tee hee hee. Green Acres just might be the place for me! RETIREMENT just might work out for me! Who the hell am I kidding? I need to hear some noise...Time to wake the troops up! I may have not understood it before but I do now....Living is A LOT of WORK. Now, I know why my father had to rest on the seventh day....But you know what folks? Today is going to be a GREAT DAY! I thank God for waking me up, even if it had to be this way! Sending out mad LOVE all the way from Chester, SOUTH CAROLINA! :-)
Posted on: Sun, 05 Oct 2014 12:52:17 +0000
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