Sleep wasnt working. Wrote this. Going back to sleep. Lengthy. GNite. Light from the Flash The tears just happen and begin to flow.....that song. There is nothing wrong with it. Words trigger reactions. Streaming nonstop. Coming over me uncontrollably. And I just want to let it out. I want to scream, and I can. I can scream loud because this space is mine. No one to hear. No one is here. This should be relief, letting it go. ---------- There is still a part of me who is crouched down on the floor covering my ears with my hands. I still hear the muffled voice yelling.....yelling, sounding out and so I hum. I was misunderstood. I myself misunderstood. Wondering why I go through this, why do I allow this, what do I do.... Hiding my crying face afraid....wondering what I did to deserve those words. I fear, hate, loath those words. New words, old words, the same words. Like the replay of a song. Words trigger reactions. Words I give right back and scream in anger or incredulous despair. So painful yelling back like I am no better. Make it go away, humming, until it finally stops and I scream, but I should not have done that. The little ears then hear. I should not have been there....again. ---------------- Then I take a deep breath, a sigh breaking the thought, and realize that I am not there anymore, as I never was just now. Just crying. Tears just happened and began to flow. What was said is still all over me, and how it was said still in my present thoughts. I contemplate cleaning it all off washing it all away, like I used to after every time it was really there. Water........is........relaxing..... ----------------- No more doors opened, no voices on the other side of the curtain. All I want to hear is the sound of water flowing or music playing without words. Today, there is no liberation in tears. Today I remember what happened. I remember it happened again. I want this moment to pass faster than it has than previous moments when they were real. And it will, because I am not on that floor curled up against the wall getting yelled at. ------------------------- I am just listening to a song with words that trigger memories. No one is walking into the room talking to me on the other side of the curtain. No one is insisting on being in my space when all I want to do is just let it all out. Let it go right down the drain. Swirl away !!! --------------- This space is all mine, and there is no noise to fear. Light is here. Electric light nonetheless, but hopeful for what can come naturally. I will see the light soon, waking to a new day, as I do every day. It cannot happen anymore and so I breath and try to let the water cover my ears....my ears. Again as it does every time I go back to that time and place. There. It wasnt often when I was even there after so many times. And now I am not there anymore. I do not have to ever return there. Or there. Or even the other place. -------------------- Keep breathing, slowly. Watching everything drain away..... I am finally......relieved. I can now let new music enter my space. Wait for the light to come again, only this time, from the sky above. It.....shares that space.....with my space, and that is okay so long as I am not there. So long as light I do see. And I will see it again and again. Until it is always there shining upon this space. It is then when my tears will be liberating, I will begin to forget......and forgive. Myself. Everything. Light will always shine upon my own space. My face. There is only one way to look now. Up. High. Reaching higher.
Posted on: Sun, 07 Dec 2014 11:23:13 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015