Talking with a neighbor tonight, he mentioned how Ive changed since we met… how I smile and laugh now, Im more found less lost, He complimented me on all the progress Ive done and expressed his wish for me to have all I want… we talked about dating and relationships, my recent heartache over the crush… He talked about finding his wife… and we talked about how he had to run from some cannibals in Borneo, How I stabbed a fork through a guys hand… we never talked about how I broke into Prison for the first guy I loved… but when I came back our conversation made me think about it… About how Im not the person Ive been pretending to be the last 6 years, Im not controlled or tactful, Im not sedate or constrained, Ive been that way for some one else… I remember being wild… I remember doing things on impulse, I remember not thinking things through, going off instinct instead of trying to please some one else… I remember it didnt matter when one guy rejected me because I would whistle and five more would take his place. I remembered being alive… I remember being out of control… unrestricted, unrestrained, I guess dying changed that… I guess dying made me more concerned about consequences, Ive died physically, emotionally, and spiritually all on separate occasions… Ive been living a bit like a corpse the last few months. Seeking a few small satisfactions here and there, dance classes, voice lessons, a few dates. The crush had me wanting to be wild again, crazy again… myself again… only that self is gone and now Im some one else… and this is a person I am still getting to know. I dont know if I could flip a guy over my shoulder now if he harassed me and put my boot on his throat… I dont know if that is me now… but I think I want to start learning how to throw knives, I think I want to take up boxing, get in touch with the passionate wild sides of myself… the fiery vixen. Ive tried so hard to be an angel, to be all good all the time… Now, now I want to burn a little… Listen to music full blast, till the base vibrates through my hips and the night gets set on fire… Speaking of fire there were some hot fire men here tonight after a smoke alarm went off… I know the idea of again diving into the throws of life, clubs, and dating may be a terrible idea, in fact it might be the worst idea yet… Ive already been through the ending of that story once… it wasnt pretty… Only I want to feel alive again… I want to feel the fire of my soul whirling up a hurricane again. Maybe this time though I can find some friends to make sure I dont get roofied again… This time I wont have to rely on friends who fail me leaving me stranded and drugged but rather I have the cash to take a taxi if my tires get slashed or otherwise stranded… maybe Ill be smart enough this time around to change the ending… I remember waiting for prince charming till I was 16 then I saved myself and continued to do so for a long long time slaying my own damn dragons. I can again, and while my day with D was amazing and he reminds me that there are still princes in the world, I think I need to spin a little out of control before Im ready for one… Granted I will probably feel different tomorrow and these are just the impulsive nostalgic thoughts driving me to write this… but I want to remember this feeling, this aching, the hunger in my soul for some grand if some what dangerous adventures.
Posted on: Mon, 07 Apr 2014 06:51:12 +0000
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