The Mocking Narc Posted in Counter-Narcissist, Emotional Freedom Practices, Narcissistic Supply, Passive-Aggressiveness, Red Flags, Victimology Have you ever had the experience that the Narc has just drawn you in and used you as a co-conspirator? You didn’t realize what was happening until it had already happened and often you were used to bully others, including your own children. Let me elaborate. Over the 15 years I have spent with the narc, there have been numerous occassions where I felt really really bad, ashamed and guilty for something I didn’t quite do wrong. Let me give you an example of how this plays out. Yesterday, I mentioned to my daughter (the narc was in the room), that we are not quite having a Spring season. The light is glorious but for late afternoon, it is really cold outdoors – too cold for me to sit out though the neighbors are actually relaxing in their garden. It was an innocent comment, simply expressing my desire for a warmer evening so we can sit and chat in the garden and even feeling admiration for the neighbors that they are ‘braver’ than I to do this without being put off by the cold. The Observer Be the observer and notice the extent to which the Narc actually discounts all and sundry. Notice as he watches television, he takes on some people’s success as his own, and he puts others down, especially those who are succeeding to feel better about himself. It is like OCD (an obsessive compulsive disorder – he can’t help himself – it’s a way of being) Ask yourself some questions and attempt to explore the answers – but the most significant self-protection is your capacity to ask questions, the questions that GIVE YOU BACK YOUR POWER. •Do you notice how the Narc mocks others? •Do you notice the Narc puts others down to feel better about himself/herself? •Do you sometimes feel violated – that the Narc has just USED YOU to mock somebody? Conspiracy and Putting Others Down The Narc let out a conspiratory and mocking laugh – one that someone bored and frustrated with life, hanging out with similar friends on the street corner, idle and aimless, would make when mocking a passerby and looking down at the passerby like they are ‘worthless’. This is the narc’s way of being a part of the conversation, taking every opportunity to make himself feel good and grandiose at the expense of others (putting others down). Alienation of Affection The Narc has regularly done this at social events, even nudging me or winking in front of the person he is mocking. He would even do this in our home, when one of the kids say something I find cute, but he resents the attention I am giving them. The child then feels stupid and that both parents are ‘laughing at him/her’… not good for confidence or self-esteem. I have always experienced this as alienating me from my child’s affection and alienating the child too. Social Isolation In the past, I was not clear what just happened – I have enough empathy to know what I am experiencing and what the other (victim) is experiencing. I would be torn – not knowing how to put it right and also feeling like a really bad person and powerless. As a result, I started avoiding social situations with the Narc. Potential friends too would avoid me because I was not going anywhere without the narc and the narc made them feel bad. This just contributes to my social isolation – unhealthy and exactly what the narc wants! Now That I Know Better The following are some strategies I am adopting and believe they work for me: 1.And now that I know better, I have spoken to the children about this (they are now in mid and post-teens). I am learning to not be part of a narcissistic attack against them. I am learning to speak out – that is not what I meant or saying something else to make it clear where I really stand – in a position of appreciation rather than depreciation! I say something to express my support and affection for my child (or whoever else is involved) 2.Now that I know better, I do not go to social events with the narc and I choose to be honest with friends – telling them of the pending divorce (when we can afford it and hoping I am not making the wrong decision in waiting), telling them that I will not pretend to be his partner and that I prefer to socialize without him – better for everybody! Basically, I tell friends to treat me like a single person – I am unattached!… well, getting there! 3.Now that I know better, I will often clarify to the narc that I was not criticizing anyone – I am simply making a statement e.g. “I wish the weather was good enough to sit outside!” I did not do this yesterday but chose instead to not engage him – I chose to break contact. I simply said to my daughter that I hope it gets warmer and then I left the room to do some things in the kitchen! I am learning a lot – it is tedious to be confronted with such incidents daily – but right now it is also liberating. Now that I am clear in my head, I notice incidents almost while they are unfolding and find better ways to detach and diffuse. Self-Compassion and Self-Forgiveness I am learning to have compassion for myself – for not knowing better and for inadvertently being the cause of other’s suffering. I am learning to forgive myself for all the times I was part of mocking and bullying others just be standing by and being loyal to the narc. I forgive myself for not standing up for what was right. I forgive myself for misunderstanding what loyalty is. I forgive myself for not speaking up. I forgive myself for not sending apologies afterwards – even quietly via email to the ‘victim’. I forgive myself for feeling shame and guilt and allowing myself to be used and for feeling helpless. I forgive myself for not seeing this passive-aggressive behaviour for what it is – I saw it but was helpless. I forgive myself for not seeing it for the RED FLAG that it is. I forgive myself for remaining stuck as a victim.lexi
Posted on: Sat, 20 Sep 2014 11:29:18 +0000
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