The Psychopaths Relationship Cycle - Idealize, Devalue and Discard Because they suffer from incurable personality disorders, psychopaths repeat over and over the same relationship cycle, no matter whom they’re dating or for how long. The psychopathic bond follows certain predictable stages: idealize, devalue and discard. This process may take several years or only a few hours. It all depends on what the psychopath wants from you and whether or not you present a challenge to him. Despite the differences in timeline, what remains constant is this: eventually, sooner or later, you’ll be discarded (or be led by the psychopath’s bad behavior to discard him) as soon as you no longer serve his needs. Psychopaths assess and drain the use-value out of their romantic partners. During the assessment phase, psychopaths interact closely with their targets to see what makes them tick. They ask probing questions, to discover their unfulfilled needs and weaknesses. They also commonly lure their targets with promises to offer them whatever’s been missing from their lives. During the manipulation phase, psychopaths construct the “psychopathic fiction.” They pour on the charm to hook their victims emotionally and gain their trust. They present themselves as kind-hearted individuals. Of course, in order to do so, PSYCHOPATHS RESORT TO OUTRAGEOUS LIES SINCE, IN REALITY, THEY’RE JUST THE OPPOSITE. In romantic relationships in particular, they depict themselves as not only compatible with you, but also as your soul mate. They claim to share your interests and sensibilities. Because psychopaths are great manipulators and convincing liars, many of their victims don’t heed the warning signals. During the early phases of a romantic relationship, people in general tend to be too blinded by the euphoria of falling in love to focus on noticing red flags. Also, during this period, the psychopaths themselves are on their best behavior. Yet, generally speaking, they get bored too easily to be able to maintain their mask of sanity consistently for very long. The honeymoon phase of the relationship usually lasts until the psychopath intuitively senses that he’s got you on the hook or until he’s gotten bored by the relationship and MOVED ON TO OTHER TARGETS. Once psychopaths have drained all the value from a victim—that is, when the victim is no longer useful—they abandon the victim and move on to someone else. This raises the question of why do psychopaths invest so much effort, time and energy into giving the illusion of intimacy and meaning in a relationship, given that they never really bond with other human beings in the first place? THEY DO IT FOR THE SPORT OF IT. THEY ENJOY BOTH THE CHASE AND THE KILL; THE SEDUCTION AND THE BETRAYAL. WHENEVER A PSYCHOPATH EXPRESSES ADMIRATION, FLATTERY OR ENTHUSIASM FOR SOMEONE, IT’S ALWAYS BECAUSE HE WANTS SOMETHING FROM THAT PERSON. You’re a means to an end. You were never idealized for yourself, but for something else. Once psychopaths feel they have you in their grasp—once your identity, hopes and expectations are pinned on them—they get bored with you and move on to new sources of pleasure and diversion. Their loss of interest appears as a devaluation. From the center of their life, you suddenly become just an obstacle to their next pursuit. Since psychopaths are intuitively skilled at “dosing,” or giving you just enough validation and attention to keep you on the hook, you may not immediately notice the devaluation. When he sinks to a new low or when you catch him in yet another lie, you slip out of the willful denial which has been your way of adjusting to the toxic relationship. Because he has lowered your self-esteem, you ask yourself why this has happened and what you did wrong. If he cheated on you, you blame the other woman or women involved. The psychopath encourages you to pursue such false leads. IN FACT, HE ENCOURAGES ANYTHING THAT DEFLECTS ATTENTION FROM HIS RESPONSIBILITY IN WHATEVER GOES WRONG WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Also, keep in mind that psychopaths twist the truth to fit their momentary goals and to play mind games. When you actually pay attention to what they say (instead of being impressed by how sincere they may appear) their narratives often sound inconsistent and implausible. What they say about other women, both past and present, is most likely a distortion too. Psychopaths commonly project their own flaws upon others. If they tell you they were seduced, it was most likely the other way around. If they tell you that their previous girlfriends mistreated them, cheated on them, got bored with them, abandoned them, listen carefully, since that’s probably what they did to those women. Their lies serve a dual function. They help establish credibility with you as well as giving them the extra thrill of deceiving you yet again. BEING A CONSUMMATE NARCISSIST, HE LOVES NO ONE BUT HIMSELF AND CARES ABOUT NOTHING BUT HIS SELFISH DESIRES. If and when he does something nice, it’s always instrumental: a means to his ends or to bolster his artificial good image. DR. JEKYLL IS, IN FACT, ALWAYS MR. HYDE ON THE INSIDE. And even though you may be capable of love, you’re not in love with the real him–the cheater, the liar, the manipulator, the player, the hollow, heartless being that he is–but with the charming illusion he created, which you initially believed but which becomes increasingly implausible over time. From beginning to end, all this phony relationship can offer you is a toxic combination of fake love and real ABUSE. He constructs the psychopathic bond through deception and manipulation. Once he tires of you, he induces others to see you the same way that he does: as someone not worthy of him; as someone to use, demean and discard. Right at the point when you feel that you should be rewarded for your sacrifice of your values, needs, desires and human bonds–all for him–the psychopath discards you. He’s had enough. He’s gotten everything he wanted out of you. Bent you out of shape. The reward you get for all your devotion and efforts is being nearly destroyed by him. Ignoring your own needs and fulfilling only his–or fulfilling yours to gain his approval–has transformed you into a mere shadow of the lively, confident human being you once were. He uses your weaknesses against you. He also turns your qualities into faults. He makes you feel like everything you create is worthless and cannot possibly interest others. You’re lucky that it ever interested him. After the idealization phase is over, there’s no way to please a psychopath. Heads you lose, tails he wins. But remember that his criticisms are even less true than his initial exaggerated flattery. When all is said and done, the only truth that remains is that the whole relationship was a fraud. The process of the psychopathic bond is programmatic. Idealize, devalue and discard. Each step makes sense once you grasp the psychological profile of a psychopath, of an (IN)HUMAN being who lives for the pleasure of controlling and harming others. 1) Idealize: not you, but whatever he wanted from you and only for however long he wanted it. 2) Devalue: once he has you in his clutches, the boredom sets in and he loses interest. 3) Discard: after he’s gotten everything he wanted from you and has probably secured other targets. For you, this process is excruciatingly personal. It may have cost you your time, your heart, your friends, your family, your self-esteem or your finances. You may have put everything you had and given everything you could to that relationship. It may have become your entire life. For the psychopath, however, the whole process isn’t really personal. He could have done the same thing to just about anyone who allowed him into her intimate life. He will do it again and again to everyone he seduces. It’s not about you. He will invariably treat others in a similar way to how he treated you. Idealize, devalue and discard. Rinse and repeat. This process was, is and will always be only about the psychopath for as long as you stay with him.
Posted on: Thu, 10 Oct 2013 14:15:43 +0000
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