The death of Robin Williams, by suicide, yesterday, hits hard for a lot of us... most especially those, like me, who have struggled with the ravages of mental illness, of one sort or another. Somehow, it is a reminder, that there can come a point where your popularity, your goodness, your religious beliefs, your socio-economic status, the love that surrounds you, the medications you take, and all the therapy in the world, may not be enough to sustain even an ember of life, within you....the darkness of illnesses like depression, at their worst, can make all of the aforementioned support seem like extraneous noise in the background of your own private hell...and it is the loneliest place on earth... Today, I feel, more than most days, the pull to speak out...I believe, in my heart, that the answer to the quandary that we face, as a society, where millions are suffering in silence, due to mental illness, is for us to start telling our truths...just start talking...saying the words that we whisper behind closed doors...the words, that when hidden, turn to gossip at family gatherings or holidays or neighborhood parties...lets start speaking out loud, instead...words like: post partum depression, major recurrent depressive disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, attention deficit disorder, binge eating disorder, and post traumatic stress disorder...yes...those are my words....I have or have had ALL of those diagnoses. And Im not afraid that you will unfriend me or betray me or walk out on me...some will or have...and I can live with that....because these words, these illnesses- are not my fault...not my choice...but they are a big part of my truth...and for them i harbor no shame...and i am loved beyond measure- so very very loved- despite of or because of those truths. And they say nothing of my kind heart or my parenting or my skill as a writer or a storyteller or a wife or a friend. And i can tell you that i know well the lure of suicide...when all else has failed and the shaking and panic and vomiting and terror wont stop.. and i know the touch and color and smell of the walls inside Dominion Hospital in Fairfax, Virginia, and Western Psychiatric Institute in Pittsburgh, of The Watershed in Boca Raton, Florida, of Timberline Knolls in Lemont, Illinois, and Jefferson Hospital, in Jefferson Hills-Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania... and these journeys dont make me any less of a human being...they make me a survivor. And though the odds are not in my favor, and I may again need treatment in places that we dont like to talk about in public, Im learning to be in my present and be okay with the blessings of my todays. Lets have the death of Robin Williams be the catalyst for conversation going forward- conversation that frees those enshrouded in the stigma of mental illness, to come forward and say me too. Oh the beauty in those words...hearing them is a better salve to the wounds of my spirit than any drug or therapy could ever be....and more than anything, you must know, that those words, and that your truth about your battle, will save lives. If you are at all inclined, if this touches your soul, and youve got the courage, please join me. To Robin Williams- let me be the first to say...me too.
Posted on: Tue, 12 Aug 2014 21:36:16 +0000
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