The link didnt work on Mobile So... here it is. It’s been a Year. My sweet boy, it’s been a year since you left us. Since that horrible morning when I got the call from your Dad that he found you unresponsive. Since I drove over there in my pajamas shaking like a leaf only to find that it was true. Since there were police, fire, emt’s swarming all over daddy’s house. Since I was ordered our of your room by the emergency personnel so I wouldn’t see them working on you. Since I stood outside in my pajama’s crying and vomiting in shock and grief. Since I had to drive to Winchester Hospital only to be told what I already knew, that you were gone. Since I had to kiss your cold forehead bless you with the sign of the cross and say good bye. Since I had to make arrangements for your funeral. I have learned so much since then. I learned that you can survive the most horrible thing that could ever happen. That you keep living even though you don’t want to. That even though your world has stopped completely, the rest of the world keeps going. I learned that grief can be exhausting. That it is constant. That it never goes away. I also learned that people can be so wonderful and kind in the face of tragedy. You see, the outpouring of love and support that we received when you died was overwhelming. The calls, texts, emails, flowers, food, hugs. That part was wonderful. We were all so grateful. We were also struck by how much you were loved by everyone. I really felt the sense of community, family, friends that encompasses this town. We are lucky to live here and grateful for all our friends and family. To my “steel magnolias” who stood by me in that emergency room so I wouldn’t have to do that alone. I am forever in your debt. I love you all. Thank you. I also found so many that are and were struggling with addiction in their own family. Afraid to speak of it. Afraid someone will think badly of them. This shocked me a little as I was completely open about it. Then I got mad that so many were hiding it and so many were dying. So I started talking about it openly. More people speak about it now and that is a good thing because with education, comes understanding and hopefully a solution some day. I also found that when you are in excruciating pain, to give of your self will ease that a little. So I started something called “Just Josh” where I would donate to different things in your name. The best part about this is, other people joined in and more good things were done in your name. I will continue to do this for the rest of my life so your name will live on in kind deeds. On Halloween we are doing a fund raiser in your memory. To raise money for Phoenix House. They were so good to you. You were healthy and more yourself there. They took in a struggling addict and gave us back our son. You were wonderful when you came out of there. I am forever grateful for the time I spent with you then. I had my son back. It was only for a little while, but for me it was precious time. I spent real time with you. Talked, laughed, got to know you again. Shared meals with you, conversations, hugs. It made me so happy. I will cherish those days always. In the past year we have all struggled with our grief in our own ways. The sadness can be overwhelming, the anger, the denial. There are still some mornings I wake up and have to convince my self that it is real. That you are gone. You see, it is inconceivable to me and to all of us that we can’t talk to you. That we can’t get one of your wonderful hugs. I want to hear you make fun of me again as only you could do. You had the wonderful ability to make fun of me in a way that I wouldn’t get mad. That I would only laugh. I want to watch you cut up your pancakes in little tiny uniform pieces and evenly distribute the syrup and butter before you eat them. How you would call iced coffee a French vanilla awesome. Your laugh. How I long to hear your laugh. How I long to see your beautiful smile. I know I will see you again someday but it seems too far away to me. To all of us. Lots of things have changed this year. I moved to a new place, Nolan joined the marines, I got a new dog, Ryan is in school, Devin got a new job, all of us are trying to continue here with out you. But every holiday, every event, every special occasion is missing your presence. Family pictures will now have an empty space. The symmetry will be forever off without you there. In fact, we haven’t taken any with all of us together because it makes us sad without you there. Your life was cut short by a horrible substance that you could not shake. An addiction that destroyed you and all of us in it’s wake. I wish you could have been saved. You were worth saving. I am so sorry you struggled so. If I could have carried that burden for you I would have. There has been a lot of talk about addiction and some laws have changed for treatment. It isn’t enough. The message to children and anyone should be DO NOT TRY IT ONCE. That has to be clear or people will continue to die. I pray for everyone affected by this that they find sobriety, purpose, and peace. And that they get to live. Death is NOT a solution to addiction. Neither is Jail. Jails are not treatment centers. Yet, jails are full of addicts. We as a society have to do better. Addicts are not disposable. They matter. They are human beings. They deserve a future. We need to fix this. We can’t just turn our backs and let people die. It isn’t right. We as a society need to stop ignoring this and thinking it will happen to someone else. My sweet boy, I will never get to see what your little boy or girl would have looked like. I will never dance at your wedding. All of those things that should have been yours are gone. We have been robbed of your company. It shouldn’t have ended this way. I love you every bit today as I did when they placed you in my arms when you were born. That will never change. Death cannot sever a mothers love. I carry you with me wherever I go. Keep watching over us all, and guiding and protecting your siblings. They need you now more than ever. Happy One Year Anniversary in Heaven my sweet boy.
Posted on: Fri, 24 Oct 2014 12:20:36 +0000
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