The loss of Robin Williams has been so terribly sad. My heart and prayers continue to go out to all those affected. It has, however, brought a lot of awareness and discussion to the forefront about depression. I have no doubt that one thing that has gone through the mind of many people struggling with depression is some version of, “Wow, here was a man loved by millions, doing such wonderful work and with so many resources available to him and he didnt make it through. What chance do I have?” Each soul’s journey is so unique. It is impossible to truly know why it is each soul goes through what it does, what it might mean in the overall scheme of life, or what another’s actions might mean about my own soul’s journey. I do suggest you reach out to anyone who has a propensity towards depression and just check in with them to see how they are processing Robin’s passing. I have posted here before about my own journey with depression and felt guided to post it again. The column below first appeared in Changing Times’s (my store) newsletter in the fall of 2008 so it is about 6 years old now. I want to state very clearly that I am making no statements or conclusions about depression or suicide, attempted or successful. I am only sharing my experiences. In no way do I want, or am even qualified, to make conclusions about another’s sacred journey of their soul. ———————————— My Journey Through Depression For some time now I have wanted to write about my experiences, my journey, through depression. It is a very personal journey. I make no observations or conclusions about the causes and possible cures for depression. In no way do I consider myself a qualified individual in offering suggestions to those grabbling with depression. It is an enormously complicated illness. But I can offer some of my experiences and in doing so I hope it will be helpful. It is my way of giving back to all those who have helped me along my journey. My journey with depression began many, many years ago. It is not my intention to go into any specifics here. One’s journey in these matters is always very individualized. But oftentimes the experiences and their effects are common among those sharing similar illnesses. My depression took place over a very long period of time increasing with the tiniest of baby steps. Through most of it I was unaware that anything was wrong. I have always had a rich spiritual life which has always brought me tremendous joy. But over many years the depression continued to slowly integrate more and more into my life. My spiritual life, while a deep part of my everyday existence, also began to add to my depression. As I turned more and more to my spiritual practices for comfort I found it harder and harder to find any solace. I also had many friends in the healing arts, some of which were therapists, and worked with them as much as possible. But because none of my spirituality appeared to be helping I came to seriously doubt my own spiritual understanding, abilities and worth. At this point in my life I had a family with two small children, a good paying job that I loved, and was surrounded by loving family and friends. Yet during this time it was all I could muster to just get through the day. It also was hard to communicate to my family and friends what it was like, living with depression. Imagine being at the ocean and trying to walk through about two feet of seawater. It is a struggle just to move your feet forward. With depression every moment, every simple act, can feel like that. After a time you are exhausted on every level of your being. I also sought out traditional psychotherapy and went on anti-depressants. This went on for a number of years as we tried to find the right medications and dosages. I explored, deeply, issues that I felt were root causes of the depression. With everything I tried there were steps forward and steps backward, successes and failures, times when I was able to honestly face my life and times when I was unable to. Over time, even beginning before medication, depression slowly began to give way to despair. During this time I made some decisions that were clear, conscious and life-affirming to myself, my family and those around me. I also made other decisions that, quite truthfully, were not at all life-affirming to anyone and hurt others deeply. Part of the process of healing is taking complete responsibility for one’s actions. As despair continued to be an underlying aspect of my daily experience I entered into a relationship with the idea of ending my life. I say a relationship because it was an idea that I regularly considered and embraced, rejected and discarded, going back and forth. One never comes to such matters lightly. My experience of depression is that it can be a self-perpetuating illness. The more I came to grips of how horrifying my suicide would be to my family and friends the more I loathed myself for considering it, and consequently the more deserving of it I felt. For me, depression caused the complete meltdown of my spiritual core which had always been my foundation. Over many years I finally surrendered into the idea of leaving this life. In my current cosmological view of life I do believe in karma and reincarnation. I had a pretty good idea that this was going to be a major act that would have far-reaching consequences. I began, in the state I was in, to see suicide as an act of supreme self-love and self-compassion. I truly could not continue living and I decided to proceed with suicide even while willing to accept all the consequences. I felt pretty sure I would be reincarnated and have to face the same level of despair again. I rationalized that in between lives I would do all that I could to better prepare myself to overcome what I felt was a major soul identity crisis. I also would commit to assist others in any way I could to successfully traverse this same crisis regardless of where I ended up. This decided, I then took action. The specifics are not important. What is important is what occurred and is the very point of this writing. At the very moment I was surrendering into the action that would end this life something within me opened. It is hard to articulate exactly what transpired but my experience was that my awareness suddenly became clear and very expanded. In that openness several things occurred. One was that I understood how thin the space is where one decides to live or die. It is paper thin. I knew that with just the tiniest move in one direction or the other I was affecting the course of my soul’s journey. I also felt complete love and compassion from Spirit. Spirit was holding that space for me, allowing me to decide either way, without judgment. What happened next was that I began to see what I intuitively knew to be a specific moment in specific past lives. In all those lives I had arrived at the exact same depth of dispair I now occupied. In every one of those lives I chose to end the life. I felt the communication from Spirit that I would continue to return to this space, life after life, until such time as I was able to be there and choose life. I also received the communication that once having chosen life I would never again have to revisit that space of despair. It was then that I decided that if it only took one lifetime to choose life than I would make this lifetime that one. My experiences of life took a major turn after that. I still faced many challenges and at times it was still very difficult. This all occurred over a very long period of time and essentially ended several years ago. Since that time I have not needed anti-depressants nor had any contemplations of suicide. I am truly grateful for all that I have and all that life has to offer. Again, I want to be clear that with this writing I am making no assertions about depression, the appropriateness of treatments or possible cures. Nor am I advocating any particular believe system around suicide, karma, reincarnation, Spirit or the path of the soul after death. I am simply sharing what I experienced, how I interpreted those experiences, and how they affected my life. I do so as an offering with the intention, and hope, that it be helpful to others. Take from it what you will and draw your own conclusions. In gratitude, David A. Cronin
Posted on: Sun, 17 Aug 2014 00:01:37 +0000
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