This is long, but I had to write it...I wrote it for my healing...... My life since we left for home….. It was hard getting on that plane that took us from Puerto Cabezas to Managua. The day we spent in Managua was a blessing as we took in the sights, especially the site of a live volcano…. Wow. What an AWESOME God I serve. Spending that last day with an amazing group of people was to serve as a bridge from the world we had lived for 6 days to the world we had left just 7 days before. The flight from Managua to Atlanta was uneventful other than Krista having the traveling bug. I sat and wondered to myself who was going to teach these girls we had just left? Who is going to share with them the Jesus that had forgiven them their sins on that Tuesday morning; to teach them how to give their hurts to Him and to look to Him for guidance and for love that cannot come from man. I wondered about the others who were not there that morning…who will share Jesus with them. They need Him so desperately to heal all of the pain that has been thrust upon them. These young girls robbed of their innocents and made to do things that no child should even know of. I longed to go back before I ever made it home. As I came out of the airport and breathed in the familiar air of Atlanta, I actually longed for the hot humid air of Puerto Cabezas. The ride home communicating with family that I had made it home safely was too short for me, as I longed to stay with my team. I watched as each one seemed anxious to get home to loved ones, to share their experience and see those they had missed during the trip. This was a team I had bared my past and present to…. A team that I had grown so close to that I did not care if I was a mess, because I knew they accepted me the way I am. Dirty, Stinky and an emotional mess… As I said goodbye to my new friends, I was greeted by my oldest granddaughter, her beauty and confidence amazes me always. I thank God that neither of my granddaughters has ever experienced the things the girls that I have just left have experienced. I shared some of the differences between here and there, though I could not express most of it as it is just too painful. As I rode home in the comfort of air conditioning and leather seats, I remembered riding in the back of pickup trucks so close to each other that it felt like we shared the same sweaty dirty skin. So different than home where I have my personal space and don’t allow anyone to invade it. I worry about how I look and smell, and what others will think of me. Will they accept me the way I am, I doubt it! Would they have accepted me if they saw me the way I was this past week? I doubt it! The wall around me gets taller. I came in and my boys were glad to see me. As I hugged my Murphy and Hot Dog, both so fat with beautiful coats, I thought of the dogs of Nicaragua, so thin and hurting some lying dead in the street. I am so thankful for my faithful companions, how lonely I would be without their unconditional love. Even Sparky my cat came running when he knew it was safe, making his way around the parameter of the living room, sneaking past a dog that cannot even see him. I shared my pictures and videos with my family; they tolerated the length and my tears. We laughed at some of the things I had seen and experienced. I longed for that lime green common room where so many bared their souls to people they hardly knew, where we prayed for one another and for the people we would or had touch that day. We joked and played like a real family. As everyone left my home and I finally climbed into bed; a mattress 24inches deep sitting in a mahogany frame , I longed for that 4 inch piece of foam in a bunk bed made of raw wood I had called my bed for the past week. Listening to the quite hums of the air conditioner and ceiling fan; I wished for the sound of heavy rain outside a window with no glass but only a screen and the loud fan that drowned out the sounds of roosters crowing and dogs barking; the comfort of the ice bottle on my chest to keep me cool. I slept the entire night, something that I could not accomplish the previous 8 days as my mind was trying to process each day and the day to come. As I climbed out of bed, long after the sun had rose, to care for the boys, I remembered the sound of the workers feet walking through the gravel outside my window in the compound. I saw the grass that needs to be cut and the bushes that need to be trimmed and just sighed, wondering how long it would take before I cared. I sat on my deck in my gravity chair drinking my coffee longing for the wrap around porch where we shared our stories and the ladies prayed on Monday morning for Gods hand to be on us and the work we were doing. The nights we spent getting to know one another feeling the cool breeze every so often and myself being eaten alive by bugs, but every bite was worth it. I finally mustered up the energy to take a shower. As I entered in my beautifully tiled shower with the expensive glass door; I remembered the shower I had used for the past week. A shower with only cold water, where I praised Jesus that we had an indoor shower with running water that was not filled with bacteria. Where I could rinse off the dirt and sweat from the day. I sat in my shower at home where my tears mingled with water until the hot water turned cold remembering all I had experienced the previous week. This is when the words begin to toss around in my head and I decided to write it all down. Sharing with others will hopefully bring healing for me. I cannot speak of all I have seen as you most likely would not understand the gravity of my thoughts. They cannot be expressed in words. Since my daughter moved to California, taking Dylan with her, who I was closest to as we spent so much time together, I have been wondering what I was going to do with my life. I am dissatisfied with my job and so want to do something worthwhile with myself. Something other than a corporate job pushing cases…. I feel like I am at a crossroad and I am not sure which way God wants me to go. This added to the emotion of my journey this past week as I know come Tuesday I put Haley on the plane to go to California. I feel like an empty nester. On Thursday, after arriving in Managua, I picked up Jesus Calling and read the words for June 27. It was so comforting to me to know that my Father knows me so well that he had a women named Sarah Young write a book in 2004, where He could speak directly to me 9 years later telling me to rest in His arms. "June 27 – Rest with Me a while. You have journeyed up a steep, rugged path in recent days. The way ahead is shrouded in uncertainty. Look neither behind you nor before you. Instead, focus your attention on Me, your constant Companion. Trust that I will equip you fully for whatever awaits you on your journey. I designed time to be a protection for you. You couldn’t bear to see all your life a once. Though I am unlimited by time, it is in the present moment that I meet you. Refresh yourself in My company, breathing deep draughts of My Presence. The highest level of trust is to enjoy Me moment by moment. I am with you, watching over you wherever you go." Psalm 143:8; Genesis 28:15 I know He has a plan for me, a plan to prosper me and not to harm me. He will give me a future and a hope. I will rest in His arms until He reveals it to me, in His perfect timing and I will say here I am Lord send me, I will go….
Posted on: Sat, 29 Jun 2013 18:08:01 +0000
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