Today I cried.... by Georgiana Today is the 9 month anniversary of my grandfathers death. He was 83. He died because of a bad cold. It took him a week to part with the world. He had grown tired of the life that old age had presented him with...a life of frailness. We went to the cemetery, as is customary on Saturdays of the dead and such remembrance days in Romania. A small mass was held at the grave site by my father, Orthodox priest and ...son of the deceased. There were many people there, caring for the tombs of their loved ones and giving food to the needy or whoever else was present, thus honoring the memory of their beloved with one of the most important ways of caring for your neighbor, making sure they are fed. On our way to the cemetery sad, crepuscular music was playing in the car. No one spoke to each other. We were all holding back tears. Tears of sadness, tears of despair, tears of fear. The end of a very dismal year in our family history is nearing and we were all contemplating life and death, happiness and sadness, victories, defeats and regrets, the past that would be coming to us in future that we had not met. There was no sun , the clouds had taken over the dominion of the sky. The weather had decided to play the role of background to our sadness. Our ten minute drive to the cemetery seemed to dilate through time and, a century later, we arrived at the grandiose gates of the military churchyard. As we drove in slowly, the seconds seemed to be unraveling in slow motion and...a tear ran down my cheek. And then another, and another and...so many more. The sun was still hiding from us. I got out of the car and felt the wind stroking my hair. My hair which ... is no longer blonde. It is dark now as if befitting the occasion. I fancied the wind knew I had died it just for her, as I could feel that this year was not done showing me what sadness was, and, as always I would let the wind comfort me. Her sometimes gentle, sometimes tempestuous strokes are to me otherworldly. They remind me of eternity and fleetingness.You see, the wind is a woman. For only a woman could know how to express her sorrow or her joy in such a graceful manner. She stokes your hair and whispers in your ear, and cries and laughs when you do, giving herself entirely to your soul and always meeting its needs. I had reached the limit of my power to contain my sorrow. For my grandfather, who loved life and God, and who used to read to me, six year old Georgiana, from the Bible with such passion that the memory of it still brings peace to my soul, and for so many other reasons which are known only to my heart ... I cried today. And the wind caressed my hair, and the sun peeked at my melancholy through the clouds. I saw the crosses in the cemetery. They seemed to hide a cold, lonely and yet...beckoning secret. I saw the crows fly by and heard their tartarous cries. I can see now why people used to think that they were the guides of the soul to the afterlife. I went over to grandpas tomb and slowly placed my flowers down. I cried. I was in a trance of pain, confusion, and longing for ... the home of my spirit. The intensity was such that I feared my body would brake under the pressure of my souls torment. And then...my tears were gone. A sudden realization came upon me. Sorrow, I thought, is not meant to be run from...it is made to be felt in its entirety. Only then, after having reached the completeness of bitterness and mourning, can one trust to escape it and receive the blessing of new light and hope. My sadness was so complete that it had become beautiful. Right then and there, God told me that He loved me and that sooner than I think I will be in His arms. For there is a reason why people say that life is short. Its because it is. My grandmother spent 57 years with my grandfather. A few moments later, she was taking incense to his grave. He was wonderful to her, and he was terrible to her! Anyone else might have left him a long time ago...but this is not how we do things here. Vows are sacred not just at the moment you take them, but forever. I saw her dressed in black today, crying at his gravesite, talking to him. She had married him when she was seventeen. And now...he was no more. I could see the little girl in her who would have wanted to say so much more but, it seems, only to him. She still loves him. And she is lonely. And no one can fill that void. I saw and spoke to eternity today. It is terrifying. It is comforting. It is peaceful. It is dark and it is bright. Death has a way of making you see things in a different light. I have heard my grandfathers regrets. I have heard many old people talk about what they wish they would have done differently. But then, they said, before you have time know anything, it is over . And, you have to account for so much. So much that you never had the time to even think about. So much that you never knew you wanted. So much that you never knew you should do. You spent your life in confusion and now you are out of time. Stop! Think. Decide. Know. And if you dont know, find out! Enrich your soul. You have just begun the journey and its already almost over. What will you regret? What/ who will you take with you? What will you leave behind? How will you die? Will you live ? The melody of todays wind, the tempo of its tears and the dance of its hours warned me about a future that is woven into the fabric of the past, and, heralded the coming of a present that is lit with the hope of eternity. And so, the wind whispered to me : Take care of your present for it can become the past your future dreads.
Posted on: Sat, 12 Oct 2013 11:03:42 +0000
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