Today I got to go have lunch with Judy Bowles. She was Tanners hospice nurse. We ate at El Charros. Enjoyed getting to see her and catch up. When we were saying goodbye until our next lunch, we hugged and went to our cars. I wasnt even out of the parking lot and she was calling me. She called me back to say she forgot to tell me she loves me and didnt want to miss the chance to because tomorrow is never promised. Made me feel good to know she wanted to make sure I knew this just in case. So until our next lunch when we hope to get to visit longer and that RoxAnn Koelling- Wurst gets to join us. We missed her today. When I look back a year ago so much has changed in this time. A year ago Tanner Lager was strong and feeling good. With very little limitations. In seven months time he slowly got slower, had more pains, and eventually became paralyzed and passed away. Theres nothing harder than to watch your child slowly lose abilities and their health and be helpless to stop it from happening. I dont know but I feel like I was hit twice as hard on this. Being both his mom and a nurse both roles you have this inner need to fix everything and make it all better again. And neither role could I save my child. Oh how I wanted to nothing less than save him. I did do everything in my power to help him and keep him comfortable but for me that wasnt enough. Nothing short of him proving them wrong would have been enough. I know everything possible was done and tried to try and do this I do not in anyway regret the care he got from his Dr and team in St Louis Childrens Hospital. With that said deep down I feel like I let him down and failed him. In my rational head I know that not true but guess that other part of me feel like that at times. Not that Tanner ever thought or felt that and Im glad he didnt. I know he knows I did everything I could and theres nothing I wouldnt have done if there was chance of cure or at least extending his life. OK I hope there isnt too many typos in this post. Because I let the tears flow this time and didnt stop them.
Posted on: Thu, 25 Sep 2014 01:53:56 +0000
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