Today I was contacted by a beautiful friend who in all honesty I was apprehensive about talking to. Why??? Because she is a Survivor. She is the only person I have spoken to who knows what it is like and understands. There are no questions asked when you have been in our lives. By not talking to this strong and beautiful woman I had managed to keep a lid on myself. I felt ashamed, stupid, helpless and unbelievably sad. Unless u have been physically and emotionally abused by the one you love u will never understand. I was witness to the morning afters of her abusers violence and like everyone else asked why is she still with him, I would never stand for that. We now share a very bitter sweet bond that we did not choose. I know my friends and family asked the same question. My world had become one of helplessness, fear and dread - paralysing. It almost amounts to brain washing by the abuser. Out of fear for my children, family and friends I would co what was demanded of me to protect them. I looked death in the eye and found myself thinking at the point of unconsciousness with his hands around my throat the if I died it wouldnt hurt any more, that I would not have to hide the bruises or have to be creative when asked questions and my children would be free. There was a sense f relief when a knife was run across my throat. Emotionally I was belittled and manipulated, in public and more so in private . Being called names such as slut, cunt and crack whore, being told I was a bad mother and wife were just a few and they r soul destroying when they come from the one you love. If you can imagine being a prisoner - being told what u can and cant wear, no lipstick, no attractive underwear, what to eat, who I could talk to and when, being watched, who could be my friends and constantly criticised, what time you can go to sleep and must not get up until told to. My mobile was hidden and returned to me when he decided it was appropriate - I had to be on call. He changed my code on my phone so is was useless to me. Check all calls to and from the landline. Where you can go, told to choose between your family and him and must choose him over paid employment. Told to kick your 15 year old son out because he was taking my undivided attention away from him. I was my fault I miscarried our child. No money of your own - a fight to keep any you may have had but he still managed to get his hands on it. These are just a few. Nothing is in your control, you are ground down to nothing, all you want is to be able to love and be loved by him, nothing is ever good enough no matter what u do. The whole time he was protecting himself whilst cheating and lying - fear of being discovered. He continues to rally support for his cause whilst accepting no responsibility - especially females. I feel guilt for the emotional pain I have forced on my children, family and friends. They knew the time would come when they would be my saviours so they waited for me. I am blessed to have these angels in my life. I have tried understand and like her have analysed everything about him but there is no excuse r reason that could possibly come close to justification even through having him search every box, drawer or cupboard to find his reason for abuse. I still sometimes fall into the its all my fault - drummed into my brain literally. They will never know what they have done to us. The flashbacks continue, their black violent eyes are in my minds eye. We are just 2 who are still breathing unlike other strong women. I believe those of us who have stepped out of the dark and remain in the shadows and those who remain in the dark possess a strength that goes above and beyond anything you could imagine. Do not forget us, we dont want sympathy just dont patronise us. Thankyou my dear beautiful strong friend for inspiring me.xxxx
Posted on: Tue, 15 Jul 2014 07:55:59 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015