Today a year ago at 10am, my water broke at work but didnt know it at the time. By 4p decided to go to the hospital because if 3-5 minute contractions and 100% at that point it was amniotic fluid coming out and not pee :). I was nervous and unsure how this whole labor/delivery thing went. But was more excited to meet Layla my little beaner baby that had run more miles with me in the last 8.2 months then most people run their whole lives. After lots of fluid, pitocin and three pushes, this perfect tan, full head of black hair little girl entered the world at 731a 11/27/12. The second I looked down and saw her, I was paralyzed with fear, I felt no connection/emotion toward Layla. I remember they places her on me immediately after she was born. Even with all the noise, I couldnt hear anything and all I could see is this thing (Layla). It seemed like that moment lasted hours but was truly only less then a minute. I told them to take her ( over to the warmer to finished doing all initial exam, shits ect). I has many thoughts and emotions, why didnt I feel anything toward her, in fact she felt like a stranger and I disliked her and she was one minute old! I assumed these feeling might be normal, I was just in labor all night and was tired and was now in pain. Maybe after I get some sleep these crazy feelings/thoughts will go away. They didnt. Long story short, I had never once has depression issues until the under talked about Postpartum Depression took over! Its hard to explain to people that havent had it, its not something you can talk your self out of or just put your big girl panties on and deal with it. It takes you over and consumes you. You lose your self, you are not you. I wanted nothing to do with Layla and even wanted to hurt her and didnt trust myself alone with her. If I wasnt scared of not doing it right I probably would have killed my self and the only person safe would have been the dog. I knew this wasnt me and found and did every version of treatment/therapy possible and worked my ass off to get better and back to myself. So Layla being a year is bittersweet to me, yes its a big deal she is one! But to me personally its a day to tell Postpartum Depression- I KICKED YOUR ASS-I survived. I didnt think I was going to but I fought like hell. I just want people to know PPD does happen and screw the people that judge you for it. Do what you have to do in order to get help because I promise it will get better but its hard work and wont come easy and will have more downs then ups but with time more ups will come :)
Posted on: Tue, 26 Nov 2013 09:18:55 +0000
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