Two open houses for school tonight was a much needed distraction to this day. Life felt normal for just an hour. But then we came home and I bribed the big brothers - that if they went up to their room a half hour earlier than bedtime…they could stay up a half hour later playing DS quietly in their beds. I had a feeling like I was going to lose it and didn’t want them to see me crying. It’s just been one of those days. I know there are going to be hard days. Days where I curl up in the fetal position and cry so hard I don’t feel like I can breathe. Days where I am so mad and so afraid and scream to God that this isn’t fair. That I honestly don’t know how I’m supposed to get through this. I don’t want this to be our life. Medicine. Doctors. Feeding tubes. Oxygen tanks. Stupid insurance. Undiagnosed problems. And test after test after test. And transplant. I was doing good with all of it until that last one. I can’t wrap my brain around it. I just feel like God got it all wrong. He only gives you what you can handle, right? Well, I don’t think I can handle this. I’ve always chosen my words carefully when I post on this page because I wanted it to be all about Triston and his journey and his fight. And quite frankly…putting exactly how I’m feeling out there is a little scary. People will have their opinions...that I should or shouldn’t feel a certain way. Also…on nights like tonight…I know by posting this, it’s going to make a lot of people sad to feel even a little how I feel. And no one should have to feel this way nor do I enjoy making anyone sad. Even in this very moment…I’m not sure I will actually hit POST before I erase all this and just give details of the day…or nothing at all. But you know what…it is what it is. I don’t WANT to sound like a Debbie Downer and feel the way I feel right now. I just do. It sucks. I hate it. And I just want to wake up and realize none of this is happening. Don’t misinterpret these moments though as me having “no hope”…because I do. I know God can perform miracles. I know what is meant to happen will happen. I know He has a plan for us all. But it doesn’t mean I have to like it. I just have to figure out how to accept it. Ok........…too much truth for one night. I’m going to curl up on the couch and get lost in the Big Brother House for an hour with my bag of Doritos, Chocolate chip cookies, and 3 ice cream bars. Just kidding. It’s only 2 ice cream bars.
Posted on: Thu, 15 Aug 2013 04:48:06 +0000