Unhappiness When it becomes unbearable-once toward evening in November-and I ran along the narrow strip of carpet in my room as on a racetrack, shrank from the sight of the lit-up street, then turning to the interior of the room found a new goal in the depths of the looking glass and screamed aloud, to hear only my own scream which met no answer nor anything that could draw its force away, so that it rose up without cheek and could not stop even when it ceased being audible, the door in the wall opened toward me, how swiftly. Because swiftness was needed and even the cart horses down below on the paving stones were rising in the air like horses driven wild in a battle, their throats bare to the enemy. Like a small ghost a child blew in from the pitch dark corridor, where the lamp was not yet lit, and stood a -tiptoe on the floor board that quivered imperceptibly. At once dazzled by the twilight in the room she made to cover her face quickly with her hands, but contented herself unexpectedly with a glance at the window, where the mounting vapor of the street lighting had at last settled under its cover of darkness behind the crossbars. With her right elbow she supported herself against the wall in the open doorway and let the draught from outside play along her ankles, her throat, and her temples. I gave her a brief glance, then said, “ Good day,” and took my jacket from the hood of the stove, since I didnt want to stand there half-dressed. For a little while I let my mouth hang open, so that my agitation could find a way out. I had a bad taste in my mouth, my eyelashes were fluttering on my cheeks, in short this visit, though, I had expected it, was the one thing needful. The child was still standing by the wall on the same spot, she had pressed her right hand against the plaster and was quite taken up with her finding, her cheeks all pink, that the whitewashed walls had a rough surface and chafed her finger tips. I said: “ Are you really looking for me? Isnt there some mistake. Nothing easier than to make a mistake in this big building. Im called so-and so and I live on the third floor. Am I the person you want to find?” “ Hush, hush,” said the child over her shoulder, “ its all right.” “ Then come farther in the room, Id like to shut the door.” “ Ive shut it this very minute. Dont bother. Just be easy in your mind.” “ Its no bother. But theres a lot of people living on this corridor, and I know them all, of course; most of them are coming back from work now; if they hear someone talking in a room. They simply thing they have a right to open the door and see whats happening. Theyre just like that. Theyve turned their backs on their daily work and in their provisionally free evenings theyre not going to be dictated to by anyone. Besides you know that as well as I do. Let me shut the door.” “ Why, whats the matter with you? I dont mind if the whole house comes in. Anyhow, as I told you, Ive already shut the doors? Ive even turned the key in the lock.” “ Thats alright then. I couldnt ask for more. You didnt need to turn the key, either. And now that you are here, make yourself comfortable. You are my guest. You can trust me entirely. Just make yourself at home and dont be afraid. I wont compel you either to stay or to go away. Do I have to tell you that? Do you know me so little? “ No. You really didnt need to tell me that. Whats more, you shouldnt have told me that. Im just a child; why stand on so much ceremony with me?” Its not so bad as that. A child, of course. But not so very small. Youre quite big. If you were a young lady, you wouldnt dare to lock yourself so simply in a room with me.” “ We neednt worry about that. I just want to stay: my knowing you so well isnt much protection to me, it only relives you of the effort of keeping pretenses before me. And yet youre paying me a compliment. Stop it, I beg you, do stop it. Anyhow, I dont know you everywhere and all the time, least of all in this darkness. It would be much better if you were to light it up. No, perhaps not. At any rate Ill keep it in mind that you have been threatening me.” “ What? Am I supposed to have threatened you? But, look here. Im so pleased that youve come at last. I say at last because its already rather late. I cant understand why youve come so late. But it is possible that in the joy of seeing you I have been speaking at random and you took up my words in the wrong sense. Ill admit ten times over that I said something of the kind, Ive made all kinds of threats, anything you like. Only no quarreling, for Heavens sake! But how could you think of such a thing? How could you hurt me so? Why do insist on spoiling this brief moment of your brief presence here? A stranger would be more obliging than you are.” “ That I can well believe; thats no great discovery. No stranger could come any nearer to you than I am already by nature. You know that, too, so why all this pathos? If youre only wanting to stage comedy. Ill go away immediately.” What? You have the impudence to tell me that? You make a little too bold. After all, its my room youre in. Its my wall youre rubbing your fingers on like mad. My room, my wall! And besides, what you are saying is ridiculous as well as impudent. You say your nature forces you to speak to me like that. Is that so? Your nature forces you? Thats kind of your nature. Your nature is mine, and if I feel friendly to your nature, then you mustnt be anything else.” “ Is that friendly?” “ Im speaking of early on.” “ do you know how Ill be later on?” “ I dont know anything.” And I went to the bed table and lit a candle on it. At that time I had neither gas nor electric light in my room. Then I sat for awhile at the table till I got tired of it, put on my greatcoat, took my hat from the sofa, and blew out the candle. As I went out I tripped over the leg of the chair On the stairs I met one of the tenants from my floor. “ Going out again already, you rascals?” he asked pausing with his legs firmly straddled over two steps. “ What can I do?” I said, “ Ive just had a ghost in my room.” “ You say that exactly as if you had just found a hair in your soup.” “ Youre making a joke of it. But let me tell you, a ghost is a ghost.” “ How true. But what if one doesnt believe in ghosts at all?” “ Well, do you think I believe in ghosts? But how can my mot believing help me? “ Quite simply. You need to feel afraid if a ghost actually turns up.” “ Oh, thats only a secondary fear. The real fear is a fear of what caused the apparition. And that fear doesnt go away. I have it fairly inside of me now.” Out of sheer nervousness I began to hunt through all my pockets. “ But since you werent afraid of the ghost itself, you could easily have asked it how it came to be there.” “ Obviously, youve never spoken to a ghost. One never gets straight information from them . Its just a hither and thither.. These ghosts seem to be more dubious about their existence than we are, and no wonder, considering how frail they are.” “ But Ive heard that one can fatten them up.” “ How well informed you are. Its quite true. But is anyone likely to do that?” “ Why not? If it were a feminine ghost, for instance,” said he, swinging onto the top step. “ Aha,” said I, “ but even then its not worth while.” I though of something else. My neighbor was already so far up that in order to see me he had to bend over the well of the stair case. “ All the same,” I called up, “ if you steal my ghost from me all is over between us forever, forever.” “ Oh I was only joking,” he said and drew his head back. “ Thats alright,” said I, and now I really could have gone quietly for a walk. But because I felt so forlorn I preferred to go upstairs again and so went to be. Written by Franz Kafka Translated by Willa and Edwin Muir
Posted on: Sat, 15 Mar 2014 04:35:30 +0000
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