Wax is not your friend! > CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud...I laughed > till I almost cried as I could just see this happening! > All hair removal methods have tricked women with their > promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair > And now...the wax. > My night began as any other normal weeknight. > Come home , fix dinner, play with the kids. > I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: > Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet. > So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. > It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of > hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get > warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) > and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, > Im not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. > (YA THINK!?!) > So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other > stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get > out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (Cold wax, yeah...right!) > I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. > It works! OK, so it wasnt the best feeling, but it wasnt too bad. > I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! > I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of > smooth skin extraordinaire. > With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak > back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. > I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. > Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my > bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the > inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and > brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!! > Im blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! > Vision returning, I notice that Ive only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! > Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and > spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? > Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. > I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me > so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the > glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! > Theres no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? > Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. > I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. > I am touching wax. > CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is > now covered in cold wax and matted hair. > Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up > on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. > DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. > *Hoo-Hoo*?? sealed shut! > Butt?? Sealed shut! > I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what > to do and think to myself Please dont let me get the urge to poop. > My head may pop off! > What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!! > Ill run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered > bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!! > I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture > prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. > Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regionsglued together > is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in > scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesnt melt cold wax. > So, now Im stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied > myself to the porcelain!! > God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone > put in the bathroom!!!!! > I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some > secret of how to get me undone. Its a very good conversation starter - > So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of > the tub! > There is a slight pause. She doesnt know any secret tricks for removal > but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly > where the wax is located, Are we talking cheeks or who-ha? > Shes laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown > and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. > YEAH!!!!! Right!! > I should be the joke of someone elses night. > While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off > with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in > hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! > By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and Im > pretty sure Im going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. > My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace... > the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. > What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! > The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. > Its sooo painful, but I really dont care. IT WORKS!! It works!! > I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. > I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.... > THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!! > So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, Im numb by now. > Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. > Next week Im going to try hair color...... > Now thats funny ........ Notttttttttt > Send this on to other ladies who need a good laugh >
Posted on: Tue, 28 Jan 2014 15:22:33 +0000
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