While others are counting down the days until Christmas with excitement and full hearts Im marking time with heartache. Hes been gone exactly two months and one day. I cant bring myself to sleep in a big girl bed yet...and in fact, Ive only done so maybe 3 or 4 times in 61 days. It is there, in the still of the night, that i miss him most deeply. The empty space that surrounds me in a big bed drives me mad. We had soo many good talks in bed. We told each other things we would never never dream of telling anyone else. We revealed our demons. We shared our light. Some nights we didnt even have to talk aloud as our souls would do the talking for us as we slept. I miss that deep, deep sense of safety I felt lying next to him. I miss feeling that no matter what problems I had to face upon waking that there was someone who had had my back and was beside me 100%, no questions asked. Just as I was always there for him. Ive been staying with my sister since Geoffs service, only visiting the house that I rent for a few hours each day. Each time I am at my house I walk up to the master bedroom and look at Geoffs and my queen bed frame still dissembled in a pile. I look at our queen mattresses leaning against the wall. I dare myself to open the giant black trash bag that holds the comforter and sheets that we last slept on together. Im trying very hard to reach a point where I can stay in the house alone. But for now my sister and her boyfriend have taken me in and made me feel welcome in their home. I tend to float from room to room...trying to blend in with their 6 kids. Trying not to take up space or time. The most difficult part of the entire day is when the kids all head upstairs to their bedrooms and my sister and her boyfriend to theirs. The 15 to 30 minutes that follow are the hardest part of every day: transitioning from noise and activity and company to sheer lonliness and fear. But I talk myself through it. And then I make my little nest on their sectional couch with random comforters and throw pillows and pull my dog close. I turn on the game show channel for mindless background noise. And I try to sleep. Most nights my mind races with what ifs...thinking of a million different ways I could have saved him. If only I had asked him to sleep in with me. If only I had suggested we put the boat away another day. If only I had suggested that we go out and get breakfast together. Two nights ago was the first night that I reasoned that it wasnt my fault....two nights ago I blamed the moon. If the damn moon didnt affect the tides, then our yard wouldnt have been flooded and the boat wouldnt have ever reached the power lines. That was two nights ago. Last night my mind didnt race as much. Lauries youngest (and only) daughter Phoebe--my frequent sidekick and best buddy--invited me to sleep in her room on the trundle bed mattress on the floor. It is in her room that my mind rests. I am quickly lulled asleep by the sounds of her humming box fan and the Disney Channel. Stuffed animals and dolls keep watch. When I have my (clockwork) mid-morning panic attack that wakes me from a deep sleep, just looking up at Phoebe s sweet face hovering above me in her bed calms my racing heart. Ive been up since 5am. The kids are all awake and everyone is rushing around trying to get to school and work. I feel helpless and useless. I miss my husband. I miss OUR morning routine. I need him so desperately. I hate today. And every day. Everything either bores me to death or scares the shit out of me. Its all so pointless. I miss him so.
Posted on: Fri, 05 Dec 2014 12:22:22 +0000
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