You know maybe its me having the entire weekend off and too much time on my hands or maybe it was seeing all the pics of my old friends and classmates at our 10 year reunion. All I know is it really had me thinking about the different choices that led each of us down our own path and regardless as to where that path led us it made us. I have my fair share if regrets but I also wouldnt change a thing because of the lessons Ive learned and the people who have been brought into my life because of it. Those people and those relationships whether they are forever, ended on good terms, bad terms, or maybe they never really ended at all- theyre just left open with questions unanswered and feelings unresolved they teach us to let go even when we dont understand. Ive had my heartbroken and my spirit crushed but one thing Im thankful for is that I will never live a lie, I know in every situation I gave it my all and its the others loss. I count my blessings daily because they are many . Im right where Im supposed to be and Im happy . And when I think about the losses Ive suffered I dont get sad anymore I see the deeper beauty of it, the sanctity of it, and I hit my knees and pray and Im praying not because the weight if the loss is so heavy but because of my gratitude for what preceded the loss . The ache is always there but one day not the emptiness because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life . So grief can either focus you or destroy you- I chose to focus and to realize that every moment of the past 28 years had had more meaning than I dared to recognize at the time- if I knew the meaning then it would have scared me to death but now looking back I see that it wasnt just a fight, a pill or a drink to numb the pain, a stranger to to temporarily ease the loneliness, it wasnt just riding in the car singing our favorite songs or cooking or washing dishes or even taking bubble baths together , it was everything. It was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love we all share sometimes so imperfectly but then again is it, love is always perfect we just have to realize that. Thank you God for giving me this heart of love that I havent always had and the desire to do your will and give up my desires and trade them in for yours.
Posted on: Sun, 28 Sep 2014 23:08:16 +0000
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