Today is Carsons birthday. He would have been ten years old today in fourth grade. While we all love our children equally I think we also love them differently for their different personalities. At least I know I do. Carson loved Thomas the Train. Carson loved Karate. Carson loved the I-State Cyclones as he called them. Most of all Carson was my Star Wars buddy. It was joy watching him enjoy things that I did. He truly thought he was a Jedi Knight, and that if he just believed a little bit harder he might be able to make that toy light saber fly across the room into his hand. He thought he was born to be a hero. He would jump off the couch with his light saber and swing at imaginary bad guys. He was unique in a lot of ways. I have never known a kid to cry so hard at the end of the day when it was time to come in from playing. Every kid in the neighborhood would have to head home at the end of the day and he would want to stay there by himself if he had to just to keep playing. He never wanted the fun to end and he wasn’t afraid to cry about it. Lots of kids grow up wanting to play professional sports. They dream of being the star quarterback or running back and scoring the game winning touchdown. Not Carson. Carson wanted to be a left tackle in the NFL. Why? Because apparently one time I told him that left tackles were important because they protected the quarterback, they could not only make a lot of money but they could play professional football for 15 years or more if they were really good, where other players seldom lasted that long. I don’t honestly remember the conversation but he did apparently. When he told that he wanted to be a left tackle he told me he didnt care about the money he just thought it would be really cool to get to be the protector “like a Jedi” and get paid to play a game for a long after you grew up and were supposed to have a real job. Funny thing was, he was built like a left tackle too. I know someone will be tempted to say something like “he’s in a better place” or “it was their time” but I can tell you that nothing will ever convince me that there’s a better place for him than standing next to his parents. That’s the stupidest thing you can say to a grieving parent, spouse, brother, or sister. I know someone will be tempted to say something like “God has a plan” or “just trust God’s plan” but I can tell you that nothing will ever convince me that God’s plan was to kill Carson and Claire. God gave us free will, and Kevin Dalasta exercised his free will that day to drive because he was too lazy to walk, catch a cab, bum a ride, ride a bike, or take the bus. It was Kevin Dalasta’s choices, not God’s plan that killed Carson and Claire. I know someone will be tempted to say something like “well the driver will have to live for the rest of his life knowing what he did. That’s his punishment.” Nope sorry not buying it. Living, with whatever remorse or lack thereof (and there’s been no indication that there is any remorse), is not a punishment. It’s a consequence that he brought on himself when he chose to drive that day. The consequence for Carson and Claire was death. That’s a punishment. I know someone will be tempted to say something like “at least you have Chase” but I can tell you that the fact that I love Chase does nothing assuage the pain of losing Carson and Claire. We should be able to have all three. That’s a hollow solace. I know someone will be tempted to say something like “time heals all wounds” but no unfortunately in my experience it doesn’t. Oh sure you learn to cope. You learn to hide it a little better. You learn to push it aside and go about your daily business because you have to. You put both feet on the floor and go about your day because really what other option is there. Locking yourself in the closet isn’t going to accomplish anything. If there is any healing, and I’m not sure there really is true healing, it doesn’t come simply from the passage of time. Time does not heal all wounds. I know someone will be tempted to say something like “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” Yeah when someone is feeling completely overwhelmed what that does is tell them there’s something wrong with them since at that moment in time you are pretty convinced that you have way more than you can handle on your plate. If that statement is true then God must really not like you. And yes, every single one of those quotes has been said to me by really well intended people, and yes I find each of those very annoying. Carson was full of life. He loved people and always had a smile on his face. He was a helper and a giver but most of all he never wanted the fun to end. In the end he was a hero who saved five people’s lives and gave two others sight. He was a life saver. A superhero in his own right. A Jedi Knight. And a left tackle. Happy Birthday Buddy. We miss you more every day.
Posted on: Tue, 09 Sep 2014 06:54:19 +0000
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