WHY ARE WE STILL RAISING ZOMBIE CHILDREN??? I dont post very much about my caregiving work in an effort to keep my clients lives private. I havent been fired in a while, but I reckon one of my clients just fired me. It wasnt even clear, had to be read into as a mother was blaming her daughter for discontinuing our work together instead of coming out and being direct with the truth. I was considering letting them go already as they are very high maintenance family whos mothers cater to the manipulative tantrums of their daughters. (two moms, each with a daughter). I was working with them last night and the moms saw me trying to teach the girls more self responsibility (ages 3 and 5 - perfectly capable of doing things for themselves but are being taught to boss others around like servants and slaves). I feel like there are two new spoiled Divas being raised, selfishly learning to be catered to without concern or thank you for others, especially the 5 year old. When we are alone, the girls prove that they are capable of taking care of certain things on their own, being okay with what is, and are quite beautiful to be with in all of their real states that include laughter and crying, frustration and resolution, sadness and peace. Through play, as Im teaching them the common decency of saying please and thank you, and why this earns respect; the feelings that come with people actually wanting to be around you because you feel good, not because youre demanding their attention (aka freewill), they would run to their moms in the other room for cuddles and cry. The moms would question me as to why the girls were crying and were hurt to see their daughters in tears... even though they were not real emotional tears, they were tears of abhorrent manipulation. Then the mothers would give them a new toy or book to distract them from being real, not just once in a while, but every time. Super common here in America. I asked the parents to remove themselves from the house as it would make my job of helping them through their separation anxiety a more direct path, but the mothers refused. I received in a text last night around 11 pm that they want to cancel all sessions, the 3 year old is still too little and its too much for her. SORRY! NOT BUYING IT!!! Dear Mothers, The behavior of your children is a direct reflection of your own emotional state of being. You say your children have separation anxiety, but it is really your own fear of separation they are reflecting. What is it that you are afraid of letting go of? I know this, because when I am with your children without you around, then they behave completely different. They dont even ask for you...(*gasp*!!!)... unless youre around. This is not a bad thing, it only feels hard because you want to feel needed. You are using your child/children to fill a void in your own soul. You want them to be attached to you because you dont know who you are on your own, or you are always around to control them (I want to be there to protect them and be a good mother, as you say, from what? From life? From your own fears you are projecting onto them?), or you can fulfill your guilty consciousness by giving into their manipulations; constantly giving them stuff to keep them happy and not crying. Or a variety of other reasons. Any of these sound familiar? Ouch. I know, it does hurt to be honest sometimes, but its okay. Guess what darling parents, it is NOT wrong for your children to cry! If you continually suppress it in them now, it will build up in them and explode later. Guess who is going to be the first one on the receiving end wondering why? Why would my son or daughter rebel against me? I gave him/her everything so he/she could have more opportunities than I did growing up. Im a good, loving parent. You justify because you are not being present and really listening to them or what they are really asking for. Do YOU ever feel hurt or cry? YES or NO. Circle YES or Ill know youre lying... Then why on Earth would you try to pretend that you dont, and teach your children that it is not okay? Im sorry if you werent taught how to be with your own feelings so you can be a more authentic role model for your children. My suggestion to you now is to learn it for yourself, and teach it to your children. Take a class in personal growth that resonates with you and bring it into your family life. You dont have to do this alone, there are many people willing and able to offer support. But pretending there is not a problem is perpetuating this society of entitled zombie behavior. Your unreasonable expectations of your children to be perfect are a direct reflection of the unattainable perfection within you. Do you allow yourself and others in your life to make mistakes? Do you judge yourself or others for their supposed imperfections? Even when you know that everyones journey is different and perfect for them? Do you try to control others because you cannot control yourself? Why? There are different kinds of tantrums, and not all of them are bad! How many times have I heard parents say (Ive even said it, bet you have too!) I am NOT going to deal with your tantrum right now! And - then it gets worse because now your child feels like they did something wrong and you feel guilt? Two of the most common types of tantrums I see are: 1) The Manipulation Tantrum - this is where children learn how to reciprocate the control they feel from you. Where are you still doing this in your own life? When you say No do they cry? Do you give in so they stop throwing a fit, thereby perpetuating the controlling cycle? Why? Are you not strong enough within to be present in waiting through their tantrums until a reasonable solution can be made? Last night the 5 yr old girl demanded some sort of sugary snack she didnt finish from earlier in the day. When her mom said Oh, I already ate it the child stood in the middle of the room, straightened her arms to her side in resolve, puffed her chest and let loose some quite large alligator tears, scrunched eyes and a voice to boot! Her mother immediately panicked and offered her something different. An alternative solution may have been just to stop and witness the tantrum, and not take any action. Watch her, and when she sees that her manipulations are not working, you could ask her what she wants to do next, and take it one moment at a time. 2) The Actual Tantrum - where the child is begging to be seen and heard by you, their trusted human guardian. Where in your life do you want to throw a fit because you are not being seen or heard? Why do you stop yourself from feeling these emotions? Will you be laughed at, judged, called a child, or other? If we let children act on their REAL tantrums, the emotional release they receive will be complete in no time. They wont have years of tantrums built inside of them to detonate onto others when the pressure is just too much. Again, one of my most popular solutions that works for me (because all children throw tantrums, no matter what age - I still do too!) is to immediately stop, make sure that the child is physically safe to explore his/her feelings, and let them. Sometimes I just stop and witness, holding space for them to keep releasing, sometimes it works for me to turn around and let them have their own space. Often the tantrum is less than 3 minutes, but sometimes it is more. But my love for the souls of people and children ask that I continue to stay present through the tantrum. Whatever errand might be pressuring me can be taken care of in any moment. Show your children (even your inner child) that you love them enough to love them in pain, as well as in joy. These tantrums can be embraced in love but also require inner courage, strength and resolve to learn how to move through different kinds of tantrums. Most likely this will constantly be changing! Tantrums, feelings, emotions, expressing authentic behaviors DO NOT REQUIRE MEDICATION!!! - and yes, Sugar is a drug that you willingly numb your kids with, probably making your life its own sustainable Hell. (Same with poisoning your children and yourself with Flouride - but thats a different conversation) You can pretend that this does not apply to you at all, but if this behavior is in the children around you then guess what? Children are your mirrors and letting you know it is there, and you can humbly choose to accept this part of you and change it if you want, or not. It is your own inner child that has been ignored playing out who wants to be seen and held. What say you? Show your children (yes, even your inner child) that you love them enough to love them in pain, as well as in joy. That your love truly is unconditional. You may have to start with yourself first though... ~ Gail Trojanowski
Posted on: Thu, 31 Jul 2014 16:37:45 +0000