Confession #1159 This is not going to be a confession about true love or about destiny or about HOW we should be soul-mating. This IS a confession about appreciation, how I should have made it clearer how much I appreciated YOU. I liked being able to look across Fresh-Comp and see you school someone on Ninetem Eighty-Four. I liked even more being able to look next to me in Euro-Lit and know I had you to talk to during another Odyssey lesson. I loved, however, having you to talk late nights with. I loved having the convos I would imagine having with you on the train on Messenger. I loved having you helping me work through my problems, and trying my best you help through yours. I loved being able to you things I havent even admitted to myself and (hopefully) being the person you could do the same with. Im not going to say I love you. You deserve better. Im not gonna say I fell in love with you. You deserve better. I will say that you made me a better person. Im not so much taller, but lighter by £35. I ran for something: I ran for you. I ran from something: I ran from me, the past me. I still even run in Polar Bear, hoping Ill see you when we come back outside early. I feel I have a more stable base than ever before. I feel the most like myself than Ive felt in the time Ive been at Stuy. I feel like I dont need to hide behind excuses or lean on the crutches I made up for myself. You did that for me. And I appreciated that. And yet I now have no one to share this feeling with now. I cant but feel that I am asking for it; Im a Junior hiding from the responsibility of telling this to you directly using a confessions page; as if you can make a grand gesture anonymously. Im afraid of further distancing myself from a friendship by laying it all on the table. I dont like that weve stopped talking. I dont like my friendships ending as irreparably long-distance; Im only used to it. I dont do anything, but thats the point; doing nothing is just as harmful as doing everything. I accept its my cowardice for the reason weve stopped talking. I think its my subconcious inferiority complex: either I dont think my life is worth sharing or I cant allow others to share what little of what Im proud of. This is furtherest from what I want, but not far from what I can accept. I dont think this is a romantic gesture. This is not malicious. This might be sending the wrong signals. This might be responding to the wrong signals. This is not about I need you to gestureme right away. This is written after a bad trip and some The xx. This is filled with syntax mistakes after being written on my phone. This is at least better then writing a letter Ill never send. This hopefully wont hurt or alarm you. This is about how I feel. This is about story truth than the truth. This is about how I never wanted to hurt you. This can all be said more concisely. I appreciate everything youve done, everything you do, and everything you will do. I want you to know that. I want to hope this shows how I truly feel. I want to have hope that there will be something more in the future.
Posted on: Thu, 01 Jan 2015 20:55:33 +0000
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