I named my rockstar after a great one before him. And this is one of the songs I played for him when I held him and had to find the words to say good bye and told him it was okay to leave me. That it was okay to go on and have peace and comfort. Cause I just couldnt stand to see him being held on by machines. And God this is so hard to write. My life was changed incredibly by him. And as impossible as it feels right now I must make something of this experience. And with a lot of time I hope that having to endure this absolute heartbreak will make me rise above and honor this sweet boys memory. Before this I never understood losing an infant. And admittedly feel awful for thinking it could never compare to other heartbreaks. But now I see and realize and more than that FEEL the complete loss of myself in my child. My life will never, and could never be the same now. And with that I will never go back and could never go back to who I was. This sweet little boy was a reflection of everything Ive hoped for in life. All I ever wanted since I was a child was to be a mamma. And growing up when we said what we wanted to be when we grew up I always said more than anything I wanted to be a mamma. I wanted to be a good role model and I wanted to mold a perfect little baby into something that could changed the world. That could make something of themselves and prove that you can overcome anything and be anything you wanted. I wanted so much to have him live an amazing life and experience all the beautiful things I take for granted. I just wanted my baby to be more than what Ive experienced. And now that he doesnt have that chance I want to become the life he never saw. I dont know what to say. And I dont know what exactly I want to do with myself but I know without a doubt he was brought to me by a miracle when I didnt have anything. I didnt have anyone or anything to hold me accountable for my actions. I was on a slippery slope downhill. You could even say I had already fallen into that avalanche and had no where to go but down. And I was completely content riding that hill downwards. But now I may ride it for a bit while I grieve but I cant come out anywhere else but on top of the highest mountain. My son, my LOVE, could never be disgraced by that. And for now thats all I know. And thats all I can say. I know no one has the right thing to say to me. And I absolutely dont know the right things to say. But he is with me. And always will be. He took the biggest part of my heart. In fact all of it. And what I have left of myself will be nothing but a reflection of the amazing person he wants me to be. The person he will never get to be.
Posted on: Wed, 08 Oct 2014 04:05:44 +0000
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